broom Breaking News
Hilarious
Hype: Medieval Markets Spice up Season
| (The World) At any terrific time of year, Muggles and
magical people mill to millions of markets to mimic medieval life. This year,
ye olde markets make the most hilarious hype of cool Christmas season. Peasanty-looking people sell stuff straight from fantasy – or deal in devices better left in the helpful hands of witches and wizards. They dress up in what they think contemporary clothes created centuries ago. They try to speak olde language, with minor drawbacks such as new-fangled words for cool commodities like money. But however much they try, mistakes melt into the medieval mix. Want some exhilarating examples? There are booths broadcasting nice necklaces made by – drumroll please – Native Americans. Now, the measly Middle Ages actually |
came to an end with the “discovery” of the Americas… Most certainly medieval
markets did not sell such jewellery. The same goes for – another drumroll
please – chocolate. Yes, there are non-medieval morons selling chocolate which
we know for a fact was banned by authorities for the lower classes until about
1800 and was anyway brought to Europe only after the end of the Middle Ages.
Maybe some people were ahead of their times even in the Middle Ages, but they
were not able to sell stuff not known yet. So, enjoy the atmosphere and everything, but don’t fall for poor promises of authentic adventurers. The only authentic thing about medieval Christmas fairs is: Christmas. Have a merry one! (BC&MF) |
Scarce
Snow
| Following last year's luxurious lust of severe snow, we are currently greeting a green countryside that is more similar to early spring and more appearing like late autumn than the well-known middle of winter. Admittedly, dawning days are getting longer again but Whitsun is far and winter would be here if it wasn't for Mother Hulda or climate change - we haven't quite | questioned ourselves who of the two to put the blame on. Consequently, Christmas is coming without a single snowflake but marching in step with sad monsoon rain instead. Serious Santa can get rid of his sleigh and search for a more suitable means of transport. Ain't we glad that infant Jesus is delivering our dear presents - angels fly in any weather! (MF) |
Terrifying
Tomatoes Coerce Cashier
|
(Siegen, Germany) As Christmas definitely draws nearer, more and
more people purchase presents. Those who cannot pay for pressies will look for
different ways of finding funds. Using a totally terrifying tomato and a lethal lighter, a man managed to make a crazy cashier cash out money at a petrol station. The man apparently asked to be given much money – millions, maybe. He had no weapon, no firearm, no umbrella, no wand, nothing. But what he had was that tomato and that |
lighter. The not-so-intelligent woman at the service station laughed first, but paid up when the man threatened to set fire to the terrorist tomato. This terrified the woman, so she handed over a large sum of money. Our guess is that the man was a wizard using mental powers to coerce the cashier into paying. Or the cashier was dreadfully dim. Either way, this was probably the first time a tomato was a weapon for a successful robbery. (BC) |
Do
you recall the most famous reindeer of all?|
(The North Pole) At Christmas, the animal most often named is
certainly the reindeer. It might not actually have been present in Bethlehem
to witness the birth of Christ, but it definitely deserves its fame by being
the means of transporting Santa Claus and the most important things of them
all: PRESENTS!!! Our eminent editors flew all the way up to the North Pole to
find the famous flying reindeer and talk to the herd. Here is the sensational
interview: BC: It’s very cold up here, but we are about to meet them at last. This is where Santa’s flying reindeer are supposed to live. MF: Exactly, and maybe we will even |
get to know why they, unlike
common reindeer, can fly at a speed that out-speeds the best racing brooms. BC: Hush, here they come. At a first glance, they look like any old reindeer. MF: Yes, but there is some kind of aura around them. There is definitely something special! BC: Hello, reindeer. Merry Christmas! RD: … MF: Let’s try Finnish. Hyvää Joulua! RD: … BC: Well, then German. Frohe Weihnachten! RD: … MF: Danish? Glaedelig Jul? BC: Norwegian and Swedish? God Jul! RD: … MF: Brian, maybe we are wrong here. |
Maybe this is not the herd we were looking for. BC: You could have a point there, Mike. So, what shall we do? Look, there’s a shooting star! Maybe we should follow it and find the place where the flying reindeer are. MF: Not likely, and I am too cold to follow any stars. Let’s postpone it to Christmas 2014 to find the flying reindeer. BC: Alright. Let’s get a good hot tea and make up an investigative interview. And so newbroom’s eminent editors went back to their office and followed the long-established tradition of making up news. Merry Christmas! (BC&MF) |
Agony
Auntie Agatha
|
Dear
Agony Auntie Agatha, Unfortunstely, I ran out of money shortly before Christmas. I don't know what to do. Personally, I know well that Christmas is about the birth of Jesus and the deliverance of mankind and not presents, but how can children possibly understand that there will be no presents under the Christmas tree for them - and as a matter of fact - no Christmas tree to put presents under, while others find the latest Muggle phone, an unbelievanly expensive computer game and enough status symbols for schoolkids to make believe they are little millionaires. I acn only think of a robbery of a bank or a petrol station to save Christmas for my children. Rob Berry, Victoria |
Dear Rob, A robbery is never a good idea. You will need a gun or something comparable. You can't commit a robbery with a tomato and a lighter. You will get caught and imprisoned. I guess that would spoil Christmas more for your children than finding no Christmas tree and no presents. of course, any criminal - and that is what you would be then - believes that he is not caught, however, you will be. Our world - that is the Muggle world is full of cameras recording every single step we take. A picture of you will be published. Your neighbour will give the police a hint and off you go to prison. Merry Christmas, Auntie Agatha |
The
Very Secret Diary of Irma Pince
|
newbroom can exclusively reveal that the Hogwarts librarian Irma Pince
writes a highly interesting diary. As a Christmas treat, we thought we had
better publish some excerpts: December 20: Dear Diary, finally most of the troublesome brats leave for home today! Maybe I can even convince dear Argus to take down some of the ridiculous decoration, especially those infernal mistletoe bunches. I don’t mind the kissing, but the kids come into my precious library and carry in those mushy white berries. Yuk! And once they are gone, I will scour all the tables and check all the books for chocolate stains, and woe behold those who had the books in their hands last if I find any trace of sugary sweets in the pages! December 23: Dear Diary, the headmaster said that he would like me to |
join the staff and the handful of brats still at school for Christmas dinner.
I had been looking forward to a cosy night by the fireside, with mulled wine
and a good book or two, and dear Argus snoring on the settee, but, well, then
we’ll do that Christmas Eve. December 24: Dear Diary, it’s Christmas Eve. Argus put up a beautiful little fir for me, with a live glittering fairy on top and wonderful baubles. We sit quite cosily in front of the fireplace, sipping our mulled wine and nibbling cheese straws. It’s wonderful. And Argus promised a huge surprise for me for Christmas. December 25: Dear Diary, I’m all of a flutter. In the night I suddenly thought that maybe Argus was going to propose today. Wouldn’t that be a Christmas surprise to remember? (Later) Dinner was nice and sumptuous, but Argus’ gift | was a bit disappointing. Alright, normally I would have been over
the moon receiving a rare manuscript from him, but having worked myself up to
the conviction that I would soon be Mrs Argus Filch, a manuscript was a mean
second rate gift. Argus looked at me as if he knew what was wrong. (Later) Oh
my dear Merlin’s beard, he did propose after all! When we were by ourselves,
in front of the fireplace again, he gave me a small box with a nice little
ring and so I will be Mrs Argus Filch in the close future. This is the
merriest Christmas ever! Of course, dear readers, we are awaiting this wedding of the year. Rest assured we will send Violet Vainglory to report on the event. Until then, let us leave Irma and Argus in their bliss. Merry Christmas to them, and to all of you, too! (BC&MF) |
Christmas Quiz|
This year, we decided not to feature any Christmas carols because we
think you can fill hours upon hours singing all our classics. Instead, we want
to provide you with a means to look much smarter than your boring family: Play
the Christmas Quiz with them! You’ll get the answers, we are sure, but others
might be less lucky. Here we go: 1. What is the French name for Santa Claus? (Answer: Pere Noël) 2. How did St. Stephen die? (Answer: he was stoned to death) 3. What do Swedish people traditionally watch on TV on Christmas Eve? (Answer: A Donald Duck show) 4. For how many days do people on the Faroe Islands celebrate Christmas after the December 24? (Answer: For 21 |
days) 5. What marks the beginning of Christmas celebrations in Spain? (Answer: A nationwide lottery) 6. Which day other than Christmas Eve and Day is often the date to receive presents? (Answer: January 6) 7. Where in China is Christmas an official holiday? (Answer: Hong Kong and Macao) 8. Which animals does Santa Claus switch to in Australia, where there are no reindeer? (Answer: Kangaroos) 9. In the Republic of China, another cause for celebrating falls on the 25th of December. Which one? (Answer: Constitution Day) 10. Which meat is served all around the world for Christmas? (Answer: Turkey) |
