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Pumpkin Parade

The popular pumpkin is publicly presented in a proud parade. All are orangely arranged and wear weird faces. Inside they are especially illuminated and grimfully glow in the nasty night. This nasty night is of course happy Halloween when not only ghastly ghosts and sentimental spirits populate this planet but also these beautiful berries righteously reach out to reign this wonderful

world. One tiny thing that these fine fruits don’t exactly enjoy is the main meal of the day: Mainly anything made of pure pumpkin. If you willingly want to do them a friendly favour simply make more than sure that the poor pumpkins safely stay outside of the clean kitchen. Have a heart and let the pie-ous pumpkins have a happy Halloween! (MF)

Baseball Bats

(USA) Many Americans are awfully fond of watching bucolic baseball, a ball game ingeniously involving many manly men clad in white running around a fine field trying to cunningly catch a brown ball and not being callously caught out. We now finally found out this game was really related in a horrific way to happy Halloween.
Baseball is a game which is a bit like a charming children’s game: One thrilled team throws a ball, the other typically tries to catch it, and one popular player tries to run all round the funny field before the ball was caught. At least, that is how we unanimously understand the rules. So far, nothing horrible is in

this – maybe apart from the severely stupid idea of dressing savage sportsmen in white when they like wallowing in mud. Anyway, the really nasty idea in baseball is to use beautiful bats to get the ball into the field. Imagine: The players have our little furry friends in their hands and, instead of using their hands to throw, the ball is thrown at them and then hit hard with the help of the bewildered bat! Poor pretty bats! We seriously demand to stop abuse of bats in sports!
(ALL)
Oh, maybe we misunderstood that and it’s not a bat as in animal, but a wooden club…

House of Wax

The last visitors were ushered out of the museum, and Mr Price was standing there, looking at his work. All the wax figures he was polishing lovingly every morning before the doors opened stood there, silent as ever. There were superstars, there were musicians, there were politicians – and there were the other kind of wax figures, the ones that most visitors looked at and shuddered. But they were what Mr Price’s museum was built upon, the curiosities of the nineteenth century. There were Siamese twins, a giantess, a man with three eyes, and the man with two faces. They had been alive in the 1800s, and when they had died or left the travelling show, his ancestors had made wax moulds to be able to exhibit these grotesque escapades of nature further on.
Sometimes Mr Price did have some qualms about the fate of the exhibits. After all, they had been human, they had had feelings. But usually he was able to fight these qualms by assuring himself that they had at least earned money and not been hidden away in some corner, mayhap chained and beaten on a daily basis. Sighing, Mr Price closed the doors and locked them securely.
His steps had barely faded away when Winston Churchill whispered: “Gentlemen, he is gone. We can start!” One by one, the wax figures began to move, stretching their limbs as if wanting to ease the stiffness of standing long in just one posture. “A pity we cannot leave the museum,” Marilyn Monroe said longingly. “Well, we just can’t, we’d give everyone a fright,” James Dean replied. “But it would be a laugh,” Marilyn smiled. “Sure it would. Let’s see what we can do. Mr Churchill, are you with us?” “Do go, Churchill, I will hold your post,” Horatio Nelson assured the elder statesmen. “I am not sure if that is the best idea we ever had,” Churchill hesitated. “Come on, old sport, let’s go,” James Dean urged.

They had made their way towards the entrance door when suddenly Joe, the three-eyed man, joined up with them. “I want to come, too,” he pleaded. “So be it. But don’t let Hitler come out, we cannot have him on the loose,” Churchill declared imperiously. “You can report back to us, and if it was a nice trip, others can go, too,” Florence Nightingale suggested. So they ventured out: Marilyn Monroe, James Dean, Winston Churchill and Joe.
The first thing they noticed was that the streets were full of people in strange costumes. “People did not wear such hats in my time,” Joe said surprised, pointing at three young men sporting pumpkin-shaped hats. “No, and they had their teeth seen to,” Marilyn said, looking revolted by the sight of a young woman with vampire teeth dripping in blood.
“Guys, your costumes are fab!” A young woman laughed at them. “How did you get that third eye to look so real?” Joe blinked – with all his eyes, sending the young woman running with shock. “She thinks we are in costume,” Dean said surprised. “Maybe it’s Halloween?” Churchill suggested, looking around. He lit a cigar, looking very smug. “This can be our night in future. Whenever we fancy a night out, we can do so on Halloween.”
A couple of hours later, the wax figures returned to their natural habitat and told the others about their brilliant idea. By now, dawn was already nigh. Everybody went back to their respective place, and when Mr Price came in, he found nothing out of the ordinary. But there was mud on Marilyn’s white shoe, and Joe’s tie was crooked. Mr Price sighed. “Tourists, they really stop at nothing to be close to our wax figures.” Lovingly, Mr Price put things to right and completely missed Joe winking at Marilyn.

The Last Picture Before The Apocalypse

(The world) It is a generally known fact that the world as we know it will end at the end of December. newbroom was lucky enough to take the last picture before this world changing event.
You will well know as well that the whole thing will start with an illness similar to the plague – well, we already had that a couple of hundred years ago so you can check that point.
The next step is to colour the sea in red this has already happened for the red sea. Certainly, it was supposed that all the oceans were turned into red but that might simply be a typo. So check.
All the rivers were supposed to turn red as well. Now, we guess that this angel was colour blind and therefore they are grey instead, especially after heavy rain. Check!
The next thing that happens is that the sun gets the power to burn all of us. Well,

why do you think sun cream and sun glasses were invented ages ago juat to shake loose your money? Check.
Then there is darkness. Now, darkness comes every night and every time during a thunderstorm. This one is also a check – obviously.
Drought is the next thing to come and we say just take a look at the deserts. Check!
As the grand finale we will have hailstorm, just looking outside the window – no, blue skies still.
Of course, the whole mess is meant to be accompanied by music – heavenly music, so to speak. There will be four trombones for a start and finish as a matter of fact. What follows is a sort of volcano eruption, two meteorites and nightfall. Check, check, check, check.
There are two more trombones. As a consequence 1/3 of the people will be killed and grasshoppers come to earth.

 
In the course of our existence, more than just a third of the world’s population were killed. And as you can see the grasshoppers have arrived as well.

Listen out for the next trombone and voices from heaven, so that you don’t miss it, then again, there is no way to miss it! (MF)

Agony Auntie Agatha

Dear Auntie Agatha,
My family and me currently have no roof above our heads – so to speak – and have to freeze in the dark. What made it worse is the early winter that caught us in the final breaths of summertime. There is only a small flame left inside us to keep us warm. What shall we do?
PP from Sleepy Hollow

Dear PP,
you are pumpkins! You have always been outside. Outside is your natural habitat. Why should it be harmful to you all of a sudden? Just because you spent some time inside when you were carved?

Yours;
Agony Auntie Agatha

Dear Auntie Agatha,
I live in Germany and I have overheard two people talking about orange skin and how awful it is. Now, my whole body is enveloped in orange skin. Is that something bad and if so is there anything I can do about it?
KK from Grünkraut

Dear KK,
What are all the pumpkins up to today? Are you wanting to drive me made? Pumpkins are orange. They have always been orange and they always will be orange. Is that bad? No, only if you are an agony aunt and get stupid letters. Since when are pumpkins able to write anyway?

Yours,
Agony Auntie Agatha

Disclaimer: All names, characters and places are property of J.K. Rowling and Warner bros., except of those not found in the "Harry Potter" books and movies which belong to Ulrike Friedrich and Kirsten Seelbach. No financial and/or commercial gain is intended.