broom Breaking News
|
(Hogsmeade) Children crying, parents puzzled: Bunny brushed past wizarding village!
The Easter Bunny forgot to place Easter eggs into the nice nests of harmonious Hogsmeade. Warily witnessed by various villagers, the bad bunny hurriedly hopped past the houses, its | bunny-size basket eerily empty. Chocolates children love, sugary sweets, nothing was left. Parents think of suitably suing the bunny for naughtily neglecting their children. broom wishes to make known that we swiftly support legal lawsuits against anyone with long ears and a bushy tail. |
|
(Wizarding World) Nobody nowhere found flimsy Easter eggs in their nice nests. Violet Vainglory went in search of the mad mystery.
As she was wearily waiting for the Easter bunny to arrive, suddenly her own horrible homemade eggs began to fly out of the wide-open windows. Violet, daringly dashing to the window, saw the eloped eggs join fully-coloured fellows in midair. | The joined fleet of Easter eggs made a turn over the houses, then finally flew to the greying ground. As mysteriously much mist mingled with the darkness, Violet was not able to successfully see the decided destination of the Easter eggs. However, it stands to reasonable reason that the eggs will respectfully return on Easter morning. Have a look in your nests then! |
|
(Muggle World) Shocking news reached the Muggle world last night: The brass bells sent to Rome instead of the usual pewter or iron bells returned before Easter Sunday!
Long-standing legend has it that all church bells fly to rich Rome in lengthy Lent to raucously return on Easter Sunday. However, nobody nowhere has ever seen the beautiful bells return before that day. | This year, Rome returns the bells with the awful accusation of their being rudely replaced by brass bells. Rome declares that they do not feel responsible for the proper protection of brass bells. That is why the bells were ringing even in Lent weeks. Really valuable bells will be respectfully returned on Easter Sunday. |
Interview with the Fluffy and Cute Easter Bunny
(Hogsmeade) We here at broom did spare the expense of a long easterward journey and did not take upon us the Easter march but waited till Easter March arrived when both Easter Sunday and Monday as well as the Easter egg together with its hunt and the Easter bunny leave Easter End in Eastria, the Easter Empire, to float with the Easter traffic over to our modest empire to bring us…uh…Easter.
A couple of days before Easter, the fluffy and cute Easter bunny is very busy. Nevertheless, we here at broom managed to hunt it and its Easter eggs down.
Our first impression is that they have arrived in the eighties wearing blue jeans and having gelled hair – the Easter eggs not the bunny.
The Easter bunny looks – we here at broom might have already mentioned that – fluffy and cute.
Easter-ordinary long ears, white chest and a brown bunny tail. In short, just the creature you would want to cuddle or put on the menu.
Mike: Mr. Easter bunny…
Brian: How do you know it is a Mr.?
Mike: If it was a Miss or Mrs. its legs would be shaved.
Brian. Oh, I see.
Mike: Mr. Easter bunny, so fluffy and cute as you are, what is your biggest burden?
Easter bunny: Actually that everybody calls me fluffy and cute. That’s why I don’t talk to people, but do my job during the night. So if you want to interview someone why not take this?Brian: I didn’t know that Easter egg can talk.
Mike: No, me neither. Let’s try anyway.
Brian: Hey, Mr. Easter egg…
Mike: How do you know it is a Mr.?
Brian: No shaved legs.
Mike: Oh, right, go on.
Brian: What is it like to be an Easter egg?
Easter egg: —
Brian: Maybe I wasn’t polite enough!
Mike: Mr. Easter egg, please, what is it like to be an Easter egg, sir?
Easter egg: —
Mike: Maybe there is no one in there?
Brian takes the egg and shakes it heavily.
Mike: Hey, you cannot do that. It will get sick.
Mike takes the egg from Brian and caresses it carefully.
Mike: Poor little egg, poor, poor little egg.
Brian: You never treat your breakfast egg like that.
Mike: Shush! It can hear you!
Brian: Your breakfast egg?
Mike: You’ve broken it, look!
Brian: That’s just a piece of dirt. I can flick it!
Mike: No, you won’t! Look, it’s all broken, there and there and there…
Brian: But you’re doing it…with the power of your mind. Mike, I never knew you had…
Mike: Power?
Brian: No, a mind.
Mike: Look, something is coming out of it…
Brian: Yes, a little yellow hoe.
Mike: That’s a beak, Brian…
Brian: …and a head attached to it, too!
Mike: That’s a chick. A fluffy and cute chick.
Mr. Flately clears his throat.
Mike: Being such a fluffy and cute chick, what is the biggest burden, Mr.…
Brian: Miss!
Mike: Why?
Brian: Her legs are shaved!
Mike: Oh, right, so sorry, Miss!
Chick: Peep!
Mike: She has answered! Did you hear that, she has answered.
Brian: Well, I’m not deaf, Mike, you know.
Chick: Peep!
Mike: Again!
Brian: What did she say?
Mike: Peep!
Chick: Peep!
Brian: Yes, I know that, but what does it mean?
Mike: We will need someone who speaks chick tongue, the language of the chicks.
Chick: Peep!
Brian: Alright, I’ll go and fetch Mr. Skinner!
Mike: And I will put down what she says, so we won’t miss a thing. Let’s see, what was it, ah yes: peep!
Chick: Peep!
Mike: Oh yes, of course, peep, not peep…
As always, we here at broom would like to thank the interviewed. Furthermore, we would like to assure our dear readership that no animals were hurt in the course of this interview.
(BC&MF&Chick)
|
As we had so many letters asking for typical British Easter Recipes, Harriet Kettle-Stove agreed to co-operate with broom and present the easy and delicious Hot Cross Buns as well as a dessert known as Eton Mess. Have a look, and keep your wands and pots at the ready!
Have a Hot Cross Bun! Dear Cooks-to-be, So you want to bake something to make your families happy at Easter - and you don't want to serve the usual scones. Either you go to a shop, buy a fruit cake and decorate it with some marzipan to get a simnel cake, or you try Easter nests made of chocolate and cornflakes (stir with your wand until hot, then form and cool them). But if you really want to do something nice, then Hot Cross Buns are your favourites. Put on your apron and let's go! First you put 500 g flour into your pot and make it mix itself with cinnamon, nutmeg and clove as well as a bit of salt (best use a nice Melatio-charm, that's not too vigorous). |
Then use some warm milk to get some yeast and sugar ready. Stir it, then add it to the spiced flour. Add 100 g melted butter and mix everything using a Coniugio-spell. Got a nice dough?
Wonderful. The dough only needs a handful of raisins and some rest for the yeast to work. When you have left it on its own for half an hour (preferably in the warm oven), form 15 buns which you have to place on two plates, giving them an additional quarter of an hour to rest. Now cut a cross into the buns (crucificio) and bake them for about 20 minutes. If you want to, you can decorate the buns with icing, but you don't have to. The buns are most delicious when fresh or toasted with butter. Some wizards swear that if you keep one dry bun in your house you'll be protected from fire. However, I would much prefer you to enjoy the buns. As to Eton Mess, this is a dessert loved by adults and children alike. Obviously it's of Muggle origin, served at a public school called Eton (much like our Hogwarts, only without wizards). Maybe, if your children come to visit you | or you go to visit them, you might want to serve this?
Cut a pound of strawberries into small pieces (partitio) and add four spoonful of cherry liqueur. Leave it at rest until you've found some meringue (either make it yourself or buy it). Put the meringue into a bag and crush it. Or just blast it with your wand into tiny pieces, but be careful: don't make a real mess of Eton Mess! Now whip some cream, add the strawberries with a little bit of juice and the crushed meringue. That's it, and it's lovely! By the way, if you want to do the meringue yourself, you should prepare them a day before you want to serve the Mess. Whip three egg-whites with 175 g powdered sugar and bake them for an hour in the oven, then let them dry over night. Careful with the baking, the meringues tend to become charcoal if you don't watch them. If they get brown before the hour is over, take them out. Now have a very happy Easter and enjoy your Buns and Mess! With love, Harriet Kettle-Stove |
Horticultural Horrors
Cullen Consulted
Editor's Corner
As many of our readers appreciated the seasonal advice of our horticultural expert she agreed to sit in for another of her famous articles.
Catkin, forsythia, eggs and a rabbit
My dearest plant-lovers and garden adorers, season has been playing a trick on us this year. As we are approaching Easter and in fact have arrived the – hopefully – last snow is melting. Spring has hired its blue band and is going on a world tour – northern hemisphere.
Inspired by the desolateness of this office my mind set out to explore the impossibilities and do nots of Easter decoration. When you take a walk around your neighbourhood you will encounter some of them. Easter is the celebration of love for your neighbour, so why don’t you knock and tell them?
The most disgusting impossibility and do not is the bigger than life Easter wrath. What is it good for, except that it will chase away any decent living being that can be chased away? I could never understand this custom. Has it anything to do with the scaring away of the bad winter ghosts? Or is it really part of a fertility ritual – no, I don’t even want to think about it!
The most ridiculous thing to do is to plaster your surroundings with plastic bunnies. If you like fake animals then get yourself a fluffy toy and hide it under your cover.
How can it be that any witch or wizard in his/her right mind tosses out garden gnomes to replace them with ugly plastic bunnies?
The most popular custom consists of arranging little Easter nests which are placed all over the house – how thick can you get? Are you the Easter rabbit? Is a bushy tail growing out of your other end? Have your ears turned furry? No, then what the hell are you thinking you’re doing?
Sorry, Brian and Mike, but your Easter decoration is really horrible!
Now that we have discussed how things are not meant to be we will glance at the right way of providing decoration for Easter. First of all take anything pink you have, yes every snip, very good, and throw it away. Thank you, that will save us a lot of trouble. Please note that pink can only be used if it is meant to be given away as a present.
As the heading suggests we will deal with catkin, forsythia and eggs – as the rabbits have already been discussed. I hope it is known to you that catkin is protected by nature conservation.That means that you should not go and cut it for yourself. Hide close to it and wait until a thoughtless criminal does the work for you.
A normal, respectable citizen has the right to indicate criminal actions of others and to confiscate the corpus delicti to pass it on to the police. Do make use of this right, but pass the catkin on to the police only after Easter – along with a detailed description of the perpetrator.
Forsythia is much easier to be dealt with. Go to a flower shop or market garden and borrow some. They will be quite busy there – so shortly before Easter – therefore you better not bother them but go there at night. Make sure to return the twigs after Easter, the same procedure as with the borrowing should be followed.
The most important ingredient for your perfect Easter will be the painted eggs and alas, you need not provide for them. That will be the job of the Easter rabbit responsible for your parish. Don’t forget that it will hide them in and around your home and just because you don’t see them doesn’t mean they are not there.
Nothing can go wrong now!
Happy Easter and a successful Easter egg hunt!
Yours sincerely,
(LPG)
Kurtwood Y. from Leicester asked:
Dear Mr. Cullen,
Help, last year I hid all the Easter eggs in our garden, unfortunately, I forgot where. And my family couldn't find any of them. This year I had to hide the eggs again, forgot where, but my family returned with two baskets of Easter eggs. How do we know what we can eat and what is past eatability?
Mr. Cullen advised the following:
Dear Kurtwood, I am very happy to help you with a piece of advice. Next year write down where you hid the eggs or even better don't hide them at all and let your family search while you will eat eggs that will be not past decay.From Cecilia S. in Milton Keynes reached us this letter:
Dear Sir,
you must advise me. When I woke up easter Sunday morning I had completely forgotten what this holiday was all about. Can you help me to remember?
Mr. Cullen replied:
Dear Cecilia, of course, Easter is all about Easter. Check your dictionary and you will find all the things Eastertide is meant for. Let me enlighten you: There's first of all the Easter day, then follow the Easter egg and the Easter egg hunt and don't forget about paschal lamb which besides its funny spelling of Easter is part of the feast as well.
(MF)
Happy Easter, dear readers!
Resurrection is the word that fits best to this high celebration of Christianity - but have you ever spent a while on thinking about other resurrections than the affirmed miracle of Jesus Christ? No?
Quite apart from Shakespeare's Juliet, who was administered the Draught of Living Death by an accomplished wizard, we do have three examples at least of resurrection. That is, if you take resurrection as a term meaning the escape of eternal death. You should have been dead before you can be resurrected. Right-o. Thing is only, you can't depend on surviving the Killing Curse like Harry Potter (our first example). Nor can you hope for escaping your own blow-up (our second example, Peter Pettigrew).And even less likely is the chance to become a half-being with no real corporeal life and coming back to a body (like Voldemort, our third example).
Usually dead is dead, and that's it. And yet those three people managed to dodge death one way or the other. We cannot depend on such luck, as I said before, but we can try and make the best of this our first life.
And therefore I would like to take the chance to thank our readers for the patience and interest in our magazine. You're wonderful - only a bit mute, we'd love to get responses, really. However, thank you, all of you!
Resistance Rocks!
Yours in fellowship,
Brian Cullen.