broom Breaking News

Awful Anniversary Awaits Axes-Attack

(The World) In a fairly few dreadful days, the awful anniversary of the attack led by the Axes of Evil will be commemorated all over the world.
newbroom wishes to contribute condolences to all families 		who lost loved ones that dire day. In addition to that, we also assure you of our unceasing efforts against evil, be it vicious V, his mad minions, or the terrible terrorists known as Axes of Evil. Remember: Resistance Rocks! (ALL) 

Wups – Goes The Diesel

(The World) The mighty magical world has recently seen the elegant establishment of a nice and new deliver service which was carelessly called Wizards United Parcel Service Wups as it is absolutely associated with the world wide famous fantastical Muggle United Parcel Service Mups. However, recent rioting, emancipated, eloquent voices demanded a change in the nice name as it is not only a suitable service for the male magical person. The already obvious solution to turn the Wups into the

Witches and Wizards United Parcel Service was definitely declined. This chosen change would lavishly lead to enormous costs. No one would have believed but an extra ‘W’ is among the most expensive letters. As a cheap compromise – in a monetary manner only – they have at last agreed to clearly call the cute company Wizards United Parcel Service Wups on even and Witches United Parcel Service Wups on uneven days. Wups! (MF)

newbroom-e-gram
August 2 We are on a vacation of sorts, trying to make ourselves work so that, for once, we’re not pressed for time when another month lurks around the corner.
August 16 We’re back. It was brilliant! Every day we lay on the beach, having ice-cold drinks and watching people. Who cares if we didn’t write a single word? There’s still time enough!
August 20 Hammock – there. Iced drinks – there. Lucius Malfoy – there… How does the git know when we’ve just got 		everything back to its usual order? And why does he take this perverse pleasure in pestering us?
August 21 It’s time for another demeaning article about Lucius, we guess, having found a little device enabling the Death Eaters to spy on us. GITS!!!
August 30 Over all the hassle we almost forgot to finish newbroom. Almost! We did manage, though. There, you moronic minions, you can’t stop us speaking out loud! Not you!


Miss Potter?!

(London) TV might be common enough for our Muggle readers, but is only rarely used by most of our Magic readers. Therefore you will be easily able to imagine the surprise of one of our slaves when using this device early in July.
However, this was not one of these so usual home alone TV watching evenings, but a social gathering of lovers of company and movies. This proved to be a clear advantage as otherwise our slave would have been quite at a loss how to proceed.
Just to throw a little more light on the matter here is a little description of the appropriate measures: There are, of course, the obvious necessities, namely a TV set, a room, chairs and other people. Additionally, you need loads of food and drinks. Then you first choose what you want to eat, then you take it. Second, you ensure that you have enough to drink as movies range from 60 minutes to about three hours.
When you have dealt with the rations you find yourself a comfy chair and settle in. You only have to make sure that both food and beverage are within your reach. Then, when the lights go out, you lean back and relax.
That is – at least – the general idea of watching a  movie as we grab it. It’s not there to teach or improve our morals but merely to entertain. However, already the title ended this little reverie of our slave: Miss Potter!

 Miss Potter? So, how now brown cow did that happen, our slave wondered – and quite rightly so, too. Was there a medical operation involved or was it done by the use – or misuse by a magical enemy rather – of magic. There was no doubt that this ugly woman bore a formidable resemblance to our dear former-Mr Potter, Harry to some, now Beatrix to some others. Beatrix? Almost as in Bellatrix Lestrange – how strange.
Be that as it may, or rather be that as Lestrange as it may, the movie told the story of the 32nd year of Beatrix Potter formerly known as Harry aka the chosen one. Obviously, an insight into the future, a sort of prophecy the like of which used to be found at the Ministry carefully stored away in crystal phials in the cellar before the great battle there.
This is what was revealed: Harry not only will change his sex and name but he – sorry she will engage herself in the drawing of rabbits by the name of Peter (Pettigrew, we wonder) and other animals creating little stories to go along with them. These were – probably due to the use of a time-turner – published in the past.
Well, this should have created enough confusion for one article. We definitely need a long extended break now. By the way, please do note that whenever we wrote 'slave', we, of course, referred to one of our dear employees.  One gets so used to terminology! (All)

 

newbroom's Next Best Bad Boy Board

broom’s headquarters in Hogsmeade were one of the rallying places for the elusive Order of the Phoenix – a fact that did not escape anyone’s notice, as Brian Cullen and Mike Flatley soon found out.
Not only the Ministry of Magic was incensed at the daring stand broom took regarding the matter of Voldemort’s return. Although Aurors were constantly keeping tabs on Mike and Brian, they could not link them to any suspicious actions. They did not even get the fact that pet-kneazle rascal was actually a half-breed and illegal as hell, since breeding magical creatures with their Muggle counterparts is banned. But then, Aurors are not always especially intelligent, are they?
A notable exception is Kingsley Shacklebolt, who often dropped in to visit Brian and Mike and to give them information about the Ministry and its campaign of closing their eyes. Thus, broom became one of the best-informed media of the whole Wizarding World. Needless to say, that was not exactly what the Ministry liked.
Nor did the Death Eaters like that fact. broom’s Hogsmeade offices were raided all the time. In fact, it was a miracle any edition could ever be finished what with Aurors and Death Eaters practically holding the door open for each other. The

most determined Death Eater to attack headquarters was Lucius Malfoy, probably because he needed to make up for the disaster at the Ministry, when he failed to retrieve the prophecy about Voldemort and Potter.
Maybe it seems odd to some people that Mike and Brian never contacted the editor of the Quibbler, Xeno Lovegood, although Xeno had actually printed the famous Harry-Potter-interview. It would have seemed natural to cooperate, those two shunned magazines and their anti-Ministry press. But even in those days, Mike and Brian had a sneaking suspicion that all was not as it should be with Xeno. They, without any visible strong attachments (not even Mike and Miranda made a big fuss of their still strong relationship), the two eminent editors were less good targets than Xeno, whose love for his daughter Luna was obvious. When put under pressure, Xeno would crack – or so Brian believed. Later events proved him right. Besides, Xeno was and is pretty much off his rocker. A lunatic was definitely not needed on the way to what was to become a media empire.

If Hogsmeade offices were still intact enough to work on broom and how Mike and Brian escaped the Death Eaters – these are things to be soon revealed!

 

“It’s Outrageous!”

(The United States of America) In a recent edition of newbroom we have reported about a possible move to 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue in Washington D.C. also known as the White House, current residence of the president,, however, the late developments in the USA put a sudden end to the negotiations. Brian Cullen one of the chief editors of newbroom is outraged and agreed to share the facts with you, dear reader.
newbroom: The White House had been intended as the American headquarter for your newly established broompire, is that correct?
BC: Yes, quite right. We had planned to settle down there at the beginning of next year. And would have started work six months later.
newbroom: Now, you were quite taken aback when the debt crisis in the US was solved. Some might argue that this is a reason to be cheerful. You should feel guilty for your egoism.

 BC: Well, had they really settled  their crisis, we would be happy with and for them. However, as it appears to the experts here at newbroom, the crisis was only postponed to a later point. Besides it’s not so much the solved crisis which is vexing us.
newbroom: So what is it that is vexing you?
BC: It’s all the broken agreements we had already reached.
newbroom: Such as?
BC: Well, first of all we had been invited to take a stroll around the building. Unfortunately, that date was cancelled. Furthermore, we had asked for the amount of rent which would have to be paid for the estate and never heard anything more from the owner.
newbroom: This spells that you will have to stay in the UK only for the moment.
BC: Not only this. You must know that the White House is quite big and 		therefore we have been looking for partners to move in there with us. Well, naturally, we have lost a lot of new friends now that the deal wasn’t put into practice.
newbroom: Are there also any monetary consequences for you?
BC: No, there’s no need to fear for your pay…
newbroom: …as if we got any!
BC: True.
newbroom: What are the next steps you will take towards the new broompire?
BC: We are, in fact, currently looking for new premises, not necessarily in the United States. This morning we heard that Cyprus was for sale.
newbroom: So, obviously broompire is not to be stopped!
BC: Certainly not!
At this point we would like to thank our editor-in-chief for so generously taking the time to talk about the future of broompire. We love you Brian! (All)

American Healthism

(USA) It is time for another insight into American culture as experienced first-hand by out faithful slave PhD! Er… Employee PhD, of course…
America, the beautiful. This patriotic song actually deals with the scenic beauty and variety of stunning landscapes in this vast country. It could be the slogan for a huge branch of American industry, too.
If you think your country is obsessed with health, think again. America will beat you, in true American we-are-better-than-you fashion. By law, restaurants have to declare the calories of their meals on their menus. Yes, that does include fast-food places! And drinks, too. You just cannot escape the message: Eat less! Eat healthy! It doesn’t bother me, though.
The phobia about bacteria does. Everything is bleached or disinfected. That can’t be healthy! And there’s antibacterial stuff everywhere. Dare I link that to the growing number of people suffering from allergies? Paradoxically, due to the abysmal health care and insurance systems, less and less people get

 vaccinated. Any questions?
Commercials on TV advertise the latest developments in pills and such – but are always followed by a litany of possible side effects that often makes you wonder why people bother to buy the stuff.
Taking vitamins is the rage – even vitamin D, which is (as Europeans know) linked to sun exposure. California has sun all year long. Why do people still have a vitamin D shortage?
America, the healthy? No, not quite. Although, in theory, everyone is involved in taking care of their health, many people can’t afford seeing a doctor when they are really ill. Exorbitant bills will thrown you into debt, so you don’t go to seek help. The ghost of the feared “socialized medicine” in European fashion haunts society, too.
It is such a weird, contradictory country. I can’t wait to say goodbye to it. What’s that song on the Muggle radio? Ah yes: Bye-bye, Hollywood Hills forever!
(Employee PhD)

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It's back to school, Severus!

Disclaimer: All names, characters and places are property of J.K. Rowling and Warner bros., except of those not found in the "Harry Potter" books and movies which belong to Ulrike Friedrich and Kirsten Seelbach. No financial and/or commercial gain is intended.