broom Breaking News
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(newbroom Headquarters) Mayday, Mayday! SOS Save our Souls or really rather save this month’s magazine! Our eloquent employees’ existence interestingly enough includes helpful holidays. The damn disadvantage of this calendular chaos is that employed employees obviously do have a whole day off and still should receive their small salary. Well, this last rule righteously rules itself out as our wonderful workers won’t privately put their empty hands on such a pervert thing as payment. |
At least as long as it is our deserved duty to decide this. On the other side they still deliberately lose one working day! This sounds even more sinister as the most recent riot was intimately initiated by a hopeless holiday welcomed as working day! Soon the public population of thick slaves will daringly decide that each and every wonderful working day should be changed into a horrible holiday. As a cruel consequence we would have to take the trouble of doing all our work alone! Resistance rocks! (BC&MF) |
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(USA) Countless countries crave
for savoury snacks served spiced and sliced, but nearly no other has become
such a bacon, sorry, beacon for blithe bounty-hunters in billions of superb
supermarkets than the unique USA. |
 We would love to know, but in the meagre meantime we munch the Snapeas. Cheers, Severus! (BC) |
May Maybe May Be Bee-May
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Actually, according to many mathematicians this month of May may bring a big population of public bees. Current counts reveal that ca. a couple of quorums are being quietly kept. The preceding periods of some summers simply showed some thousands of sick insects. Most mysterious insect illnesses |
indifferently infected both bees and bumblebees. Measured mortality immediately moved to 100 percent. Maybe this month’s yearly infection. Simply stick to your most marvellous monthly magazine to superbly stay intimately informed about the public and private bee performance. (All) |
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(Muggle World) Since lively
living without magic makes Muggles deeply desirous to dream up technical
tools to help harassed hustling housewives and bored blundering businessmen,
it cannot come as too much of a severe surprise that even fine features of
the ingenious interior of the mad Ministry of Magic are clandestinely copied. |
called leviators. Or some such name. These talking tools tell people purposely riding in them where they just stopped and when the doors are closing. This interesting idea was obviously obligingly taken from the lovely lifts in the morose Ministry which also tell you where you are. Just you wait, in a few fair years Muggles master the art of cruelly killing by magical means if we do not pay heed! (BC) |
newbroom-e-gram
| April 6 We have to say goodbye to one of our sla...
employees who shamelessly goes and lives in another country. Luckily we have
means to contact her. April 8 Another of our slav... employees celebrates her birthday. We give her a gift card for a pay rise in 2114. When she pointed out she would probably not work anymore at that time, we were crushed and told her that was really bad luck. April 11 Suddenly we realise that Easter is near and we still haven't got an interviewee. Looks like even our most generous offer of a payrise by a knut did not motivate our slave... employees to work harder. Something has to change here! April 15 The world is small, especially with technology, so we are able to threaten even our absent employee-cum-slave in America. Lovely! |
April 23 Well, so Easter broom is online. Big deal. We
still haven't got a lvie interviewee, so no payrise. April 24 Happy Easter Sunday, everyone! We have an Easter egg hunt in our office garden for the Dicket children who enjoy themselves a lot and manage to upset Geronimo, so we can only cross our fingers and hope he will not go on strike, for, alas, the May edition is soon to go out. April 28 Two days to go and Geronimo decided he could work again if we gave him a fancy spring ink. We did, we bought some lilac-scented green ink and he loves it. We do, too, because it attracts a lot of (female) customer. Lovely! April 30 We're there, and finished the next edition. We are geniuses, of course. Nothing short of geniuses. We wouldn't be surprised to win the Pulitzer Prize for this. Lovely! |
Kiss Me, Kate
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(Westminster Abbey)
This month we offer you one of the most exclusive interviews, namely we
are talking to Anne Symmons. Not only the interviewee is exclusive but also
our current location: Westminster Abbey. The day also happens to be a very
exclusive one, it’s the 29th April 2011 and checking our watches
we can confirm that it has just turned 20 minutes to 12. William and Kate
have just said ‘I will’ and some further small talk has been exchanged. |
secretary of the secretary
of the secretary… MF: The secretary of who? AS: The secretary of the secretary. Anyway, I told them that HRH the Queen would put their heads on the block if I wasn’t there but they still insisted that they wouldn’t compensate for any lost invitations. MF: And therefore you came here invisibly and were kind enough to bring me along. Would you like to tell our readers about the advantages of our dress? AS: For sure, first of all we can go anywhere and consequently were able to take a closer look at the whole church and all its current inmates. MF: And were quite shocked! AS: Indeed, when our eyes fell on the daughters of the Duchess of York. The main question is what happened to them? Was their wardrobe destroyed in a tornado or have all their councillors suddenly resigned? MF: Well, if they hadn't before, they sure will have now. Or maybe their heads will even be put on the block. But we also had much fun. AS: Yes, the absolute highlight was whispering dirty jokes into the ear of HRH Prince Harry during the ceremony until he laughed! MF: Getting so close to him we can also now answer one of the most pressing questions people have out there, namely, was he drunk? |
AS:
Yes, he definitely was, no doubt about the smell and his constant moving.
And still we even had more fun than that, Mike. MF: Indeed, we bewitched some people so that they have to scratch their nose whenever a camera is pointed at them. Apart from all the fun we had, there is still one open questions: why didn’t they get married on 1st may? AS: Quite easy actually, that used to be Robin Hood day – and to marry on a day of lower class festivities would be too low even for the British royal family. MF: In the meantime, we had to make way for the newly wed couple who are on their way to Buckingham Palace. If you watch closely you will see that Anne and I are sitting in the same carriage as William and Katherine. AS: Yes, Mike has to hold his feet a little bit above the ground in order not to step onto the wedding dress of Katherine. Still, you are paid off with the sight you get. MF: Definitely, I would have married Katherine right away, that would have left William for you. AS: No, thank you. With this ‘thank you’ we would like to close our interview this month. We hope, you had a great time and were able to gather some more intimate insights into the ceremony. But hush, now is the big moment. Everyone gathers on the balcony and they kiss! (AS&MF) |
Travelling Tale: When Princes Travel…
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(Florence) Would you
believe it, this is the last day of our holidays. We can hardly believe it
ourselves! Naturally, the last day needs careful planning. Some last
souvenirs must be – well, let’s say organized, one or two places want to be
looked at and our head mathematician wants to delight your hearts with some
statistical figures so let’s get over with it! |
endless walks we did to the sights and in the
sights – it also includes our boat tour and the one time we climbed up the
stairs to the fourth floor to our hotel room. With the light of this lamp we finished our Travelling Tales even in the middle of the night after an exhausting day. photo: UF We ate a kilo of sweets and other things which were not too good for our health – not counting the salad in our pancake wraps. We drank 10 litres of water, 10 cups of coffee, 6 cups of tea and 3 cups of hot chocolate. We misread the map 173 times and consequently got lost 173 times. Now before you go to sleep, we have to add that we some thirty handmade with gold, silver, jewels and ivory decorated coconut cups in the historic Green Vault in the Residence in Florence. Forget about counting sheep, we’d say! |
In the morning we went to the Turkish Chamber which is
filled with all the necessary things you need for travelling – had we only
known this! None of us had brought his armour nor his weapons leave alone
his horses with their saddle cloth – next time we will know better. Additionally, we went to the exhibition which was entitled 450 years of future. There we saw the most interesting inventions, art and ancient walls, alright maybe we overdid it a lot and couldn’t quite appreciate the white rabbit which was represented by a white plastic cube.  The train station which was the starting point for our journey back home. Beautiful and sad! photo: UF What followed was the journey home ruined by the sad feeling that our holiday was already over, although, we would have wanted to see so much more! (All) |
XING!
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(USA) Of course everybody knows how widely
customs vary in different countries. At least, everybody knows it in theory.
When you arrive somewhere you have never been before, you will soon find out
how weirdly other people handle perfectly normal things. |
be an adventure.
For one, the traffic lights (yes, they exist) allow you only very limited
time to cross the street. Well, you have to HURRY. But you can make it. If
you're fit. Another thing is that Americans just love announcements. Everything is announced. Even a pedestrian crossing. You see, they write the warning sonto the tarmac. For a pedestrian crossing, it's PED XING. When there's a school near, you will of course see SCHOOL XING - school crossing, or rather, pupils crossing. And then there is the most puzzling: R X R, for railroad crossing. You see, the USA just love their XINGs. We, however, would like to introduce longer time spans for pedestrians to cross the road. (BC&MF) |
newbroom's Next Best Bad Boy Board
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Although some Hogwarts alumni seem to wish
to stay at school forever and become teachers at their old school. Mike
Flatley and Brian Cullen were not like that, of course. Glad to be shot of
the thick grey walls of Hogwarts castle the two set out to start a career. |
Ministry of Magic. They were hired at the Daily Prophet, as unpaid
volunteers until a vacancy should offer itself. Their manifold tasks were
time-consuming: making endless mugs of tea, fetching sandwiches and cookies,
reading up on the gossip in various witches’ magazines and thus supplying
the facts for the leading articles in the Prophet. It was hard work, but
they did well. So well in fact that the Prophet’s star reporter Rita Skeeter
took notice of the pair. She went to the Prophet’s editor-in-chief and announced she needed two assistants because, as a star reporter, she had too much to do to do everything herself. In no time, Brian Cullen became an assistant to Rita in charge of the quick-quotes-quills, and Mike became an assistant to Rita in charge of her personal timer. Both jobs were even more time-consuming than the former slavery, but at least they were paid. How the careers of Brian and Mike spiralled into the astronomic heights it reached now will be revealed next month. Or the months after that. |
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Not too tricky for our dearest, Severus!
