newbroom Breaking News

Stick to the Road

(Adorable Austrian Autobahn) Tricky treacle was terrifically transported on a liably leaking lorry on the last Thursday of old October. The low leakage was definitely desperately discrete but finally favoured a fine full flush of the sweet substance on the miraculously mauve motorway. Such the self-same street was marvellously marinated by the so sticky stuff. Any anyone who has ever willingly or unwillingly worked with sugary syrup notably knows that it is quite comparable to the good glue consequently coming out of a hot hot-melt gun or to a medium

marshmellow dreamingly dripping onto your carefully chosen cool carpet. The molassean mess grinningly glued to the guiding ground like the dull devil. Road sweepers cleaned with high pressure and high-pressure cleaners sweeped the road. However, very hot water in three long lorries should surely solve the treacle trouble, or so they thought. Only an offical squad of specialised specialist cleaners could wonderfully wash away the mean molasses mass and finally free the waited for way home – hopefully. (MF)

He Who Laughs Last , Laughs Loudest

(broompire) Busy broom inadequately initiated a reliable research on the tiny topic of silly smiles. The cool question was what do sentimental smiles do to popular people. Proven people around the wild world affectedly asked and eventually allowed to answer. Beside being definitely different happy humans the giant group simply seemed to absolutely agree on a fine fact: Interestingly enough the initial impression is of

immanent importance and so it apparently appears that it is actually advisable to showingly send a sincere smile to your offered opponent. The good group also agreed that the found feeling when sweetly smiled at is miraculously magnificent. So quietly keep on smiling systematically and willingly in the helpful hearts of your future friends. Finally, fail to freely forget: He who laughs last, laughs loudest. (MF)

newbroom-e-gram

October 1 Isn't it great to have a whole month until you have to publish a new magazine? Or, in other words, until you have to work again.
October 6 Of course we could work. But we don't want to. There's still plenty of time.
October 8 Still time. We decided to build kites like those the Muggle kids play with. They were too harmless, so we bewitched them to breathe fire and gnarl. Now they are fun!
October 24 Oh, dear. Somehow it completely slipped our mind that in just 7 days there have to be two new newbrooms at the ready. It's the month of Halloween, and we only noticed because large pumpkins illuminate the Hogsmeade gardens. Isn't seven supposed to be the most magical number? We definitely need magic now to get finished.
October 29 Then again, making a jack-o'-lantern is much more fun. So is selecting sweets at Honeyduke's for the kids who might come trick-or-treating.

October 30 Okay, perhaps we should have just risked getting tricks played on us. We should have sat down and at least thought of some headlines. Or contacted some people who usually help us. Or bully our slaves into not taking a holiday over the long weekend. We are in dire straits right now. No newbroom for either Halloween or November to speak of. Oof.
October 31 Aren't we the greatest editors on earth? We did manage the unmanageable, we dreamt the impossible dream and made it come true, we conquered the unconquerable time itself and we came through the maze unhurt. Here we sit, with nothing to do four some glorious weeks now, until the hassle starts again and we need to get a new newbroom done. We think it might be time to work on a more regular basis instead of getting our knickers in a twist each and every month. We will draw up a schedule. But not today. We'll enjoy today and eat all the sweets if no kids come around.

On Having a Marvellously Good Mood

Note: When we here at broom – newbroom – were writing this we ourselves were terribly suffering from an extreme fit of unearthly bad mood. This fact might not justify but maybe at least explain our approach to this topic.(The World at Large We Assume So) Many reasons are responsible for the presence or the absence of good mood. Now that the days are getting shorter, light is hard to find and our emotions are at most scoring a minus 5 on a scale between 0 and 10, we here at newbroom decided to take a scientific look at the factors which form or don’t form a good mood.
The direct impetus for this article came in the shape of our neighbour who showed one of his rare instances of good mood this morning. Usually, you must know in order to understand our surprise, he is not smiling nor showing any other sign of a mood whatsoever.
However, today was different. Today he was most jovial to at least some of his fellow beings – we were quite obviously excluded from his bestowing of joviality. He much reminded us of Archdeacon Grantly who in his best of moods would have even – jovially – patted Archbishop Proudie on his back.
We cannot possibly remember what fact rocketed the Archdeacon into his state but we do feel inclined to speculate about our neighbour’s or anybody else’s for that matter reasons to be so extrovertedly happy.

 A good reason for a man to be happy is usually connected to a woman. Sometimes it’s the wished for presence and more often it’s the long-awaited absence of one speciwoman of the female sex. His mum might have dropped in for a visit or has just left.
Technical tools also have the power to make men happy. Our neighbour is the owner of the most complicated machineries and might just have added another trophy to his exhibition: A new lawn-mower or an extra tool for his tractor.
However, these are not the only possible reasons for being happy. Money can be a great cause of sorrow when it is absent, then again the having of an impressive amount of money surely causes the exact contrary. Our neighbour might have won the lottery. Last week’s jackpot could be his and has maybe turned his bad mood into a good one.
Additionally, our neighbour is a very sporty man playing football himself and not only watching it on TV. His team might have won the national village championship and he either scored a goal or was able to prevent one.
Whatever it is it can have nothing to do with this horrible weather which is currently hovering above our home-village. Fog, clouds, rain, probably the first snow soon – all of these are factors which only worsen your mood. As is a neighbour with an outstandingly good mood for once you yourself are in an extremely bad mood you just can’t help it and simply have to HATE PEOPLE LIKE THIS! (MF)

Odd Odysseys II

(The World) Having been pissed off with trains we did decide to put another means of transport into our focus: the bicycle. So please do read on to find out why we here at broom are pissed off with bicycles, too.
The bicycle no one in their right mind has ever understood how it works – so how on earth d we be supposed to know how it doesn’t work?! Honestly, we’re quite proud that we do notice when it doesn’t work. And it doesn’t work right now!
Now, we’re just on our way to a date – not a rendezvous or anything like that but a meeting. We did stop to enter a shop and there, we do have to admit, gave way to the joy of buying. Still, we did leave the shop in time and pushed the bike down the hill as it was forbidden to ride down.
At the foot of the hill we climbed our bike and well and nothing. The bike refused to go any further. It refused to go any further

after we did push it down the hill. Why couldn’t it just have given up when we still did be up the hill?!
Now, what was the matter with the bike apart from the fact that it had decided to break down after we had descended the rather steep hill? The back wheel was loose and intended to cling fast to the frame. All kicking didn’t help.
The thing with kicking the back wheel of a bicycle is that it leads to a movement of the chain. Therefore, when you’ve kicked it three times an additional kicking will lead to another disaster. We only kicked our bike three times and then pushed it up the hill again.
Our overuse of the ‘emphatic do’ must have made one thing clear: We here at broom are quite pissed off with bikes that break down! Read on in the next edition to find out with which other vehicle we’re also pissed off. (BC&MF)

“I Had Forgotten About That As Well.”

(Hogwarts) It is a creepy and wet autumn afternoon as Brian Cullen and myself, Mike Flatley are stealing ourselves up to Hogwarts castle. It has only occurred to us now that the summer break would have been a much better opportunity to interview one of the ghosts up at school but it is just as well now. We’re desperate. Sir Nicolas de Mimsy-Porpington, aka Nearly Headless Nick, has kindly agreed to answer a couple of our questions.
broom: Sir Nicolas, you have been a ghost for many centuries now. What do you miss most about life?
NHN: Actually, I miss my body most. It’s so hard to be translucent and immaterial. It took me half an eternity to get used to it and in fact, sometimes I still forget about it.
broom: So what do you do when you forget that you have no body?
NHN: Well, the funniest occasion certainly was when I stood waiting in front of a locked door hoping that someone would come to unlock it for me.
broom: How long did you wait? Half an hour?
NHN: No, it was slightly longer. Must have been, let me see about five

 months.
broom: Five months, Merlin’s beard. And no one came around to help?
NHN: No, this was at a time when this castle stood empty. There simply was no one around to help, but I had forgotten about that as well.
broom: Apart from the downsides there simply must be something good about having no body.
NHN: Maybe that you don’t have to waste your time washing yourself, then again that was out of fashion during my life-time as well – so the difference really is not so big. Sometimes I even think it’s a shame as at least some time would pass washing myself. Death can be so boring at times.
broom: What do ghosts do when they are bored?
NHN: Oh, I’ve always thought that this would be quite obvious: we haunt houses and scare people.
broom: Then again you’re not the most scaring ghost at Hogwarts…
NHN: Simply because the Bloody Baron is more bored than I am. I am an intellectual, a poet, a philosopher. The Bloody Baron is only a fighter.
broom: We think there are also sporting activities for ghosts, competitions like the Nearly Headless

Hunt, even.
NHN: Yes, about once a year or what we ghosts feel to be once a year we meet to exhaust ourselves in this chase. However, this is quite a new sport and we nearly headless ghosts are not quite sure where it will be leading to. Maybe if you care to wait a century or two I might be able to give you some more information about our sport.
broom: Yes, we will certainly come back to you on this point. In the meantime thank you so much for answering our questions so patiently.
NHN: It was my pleasure it was so refreshingly different from everyday death.
broom: Oh, by the way what did you get for your deathday?
NHN: Oh, many guests.

Brian and I secretly left the castle and luckily were only detected by Peeves who got a blast of our stunning curse and kept quiet for some minutes. When asked by the headmaster we of course denied that we ever had set foot in the castle. As a punishment for our lie we were told to have to do Peeves-sitting for a week. Just imagine what our office now looks like! (MF)

newbroom's Next Best Bad Boy Board

(Hogwarts) In the last edition of newbroom’s Next Best Bad Boy Board we revealed why Anne turned a cold shoulder on Greg and why he turned out to be such a success at school. You also heard about his travels to the Black Forest and his wish to join the forces of the Dark Lord. Read on and find out what he had to do to be successful again.
Had he been alone he clearly would have been able to manage the task. It’s not so hard to scare the wits out of a group of Muggle students who are trying to have a horrible Halloween Party. However, the Dark Lord had sent someone with him, a certain Sebastian Cook who had just finished school and he simply was hopeless.
Greg was already thinking of simply killing this boy in order to fulfil the task which had been set for him. He could easily claim that the boy had been fatally hurt during the attack. Then again he was a bit scared of this pair of cool eyes which were able to pinch him like the tips of daggers. This fact actually saved Sebastian’s life and that of the students as well. The two failed miserably.
“I’m very disappointed but not at all surprised.” The Dark Lord probably said when the two returned from their mission. It took quite a long time and we here at newbroom are not so sure.

 what Greg had to do to finally win the trust of his new master. The only thing we are sure of is that it certainly was most horrible.
Greg’s father had also joined the ranks of Voldemort again and was planning and plotting alongside Bellatrix Lestrange and Lucius Malfoy. It must have been quite a shock for Greg when he realized that even there he was not safe from the ever controlling eyes of a certain teacher he had hoped to have left behind forever.
However, there was not much time for fighting old battles as nearly every day offered another opportunity to ensure that the Dark Lord of his loyalty. Dear Greg took every chance he got and soon he was as much respected as his father had been during the first war of Voldemort. Greg was very satisfied with himself.
Don’t forget to read the last edition of newbroom’s Next Best Bad Boy Board in December and find out whether Greg is still with us or sitting in some more or less safe magical jail waiting for the next rise of the dark forces. You definitely shouldn’t miss the election of our next new newbroom’s Next Best Bad Boy who will be featured in new year’s next newbroom’s Next Best Bad Boy Board. (MF)

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Not that easy, Severus?

Disclaimer: All names, characters and places are property of J.K. Rowling and Warner bros., except of those not found in the "Harry Potter" books and movies which belong to Ulrike Friedrich and Kirsten Seelbach. No financial and/or commercial gain is intended.