newbroom Breaking News

Pathetic Pirates Mess Up Mission

(Somalia) Poor pirates truthfully tried to take over a tanker in front of the coarse coast of sunny Somalia.
The cringing criminals manfully managed to get on board, but no further, since the cool crew had hidden in a secure storeroom after having sinisterly switched off the evil engine. The pathetic pirates did not make out how to really re-ignite the elusive

engine and actually asked the savaged shipping company for help. Nobody helped the pitiful pirates, but instead awfully attacked them. They had to give up in the end. newbroom shrewdly suggests they should verily visit a terrible training camp for proud pirates.
(BC)

What Wild Women Want Modern Men to Make

Most men merrily measure the whole weight of a willing woman in meanderingly musing about their mild mothers. Men mostly marry wonderful wives who are like their old ladies. Worried women are clearly complicated in this cool case. Their clear choice is basically based on a big number of necessary needs. Interior interrogations are interested in the following facts: fitness as in fit for me and lifestyle as in money makes the world go round.
Usually, you will use your initial impression or really rely on right rites in the personal behaviour. In general, gorgeous gals want to be gloriously conquered while loving lads love to coolly

conquer. Many men want wild women to willingly wait at their happy home while they want to have some dangerous adventures. Women want manly men to professionally repair anything broken.
Loyal loyalty, charming charm, romantic romance are well wished for in wooing women. A plus point is also if the wooed woman is publicly prepared to bear football matches as football fan. Interestingly enough it is important for weary women that mighty men directly take on the dirty tasks in which false fingernails might surely suffer. Great, gals get yourself a caretaker! Magnificent, men marry your mums! (All)

newbroom-e-gram

September 2 Yeah, it's September! Glorious autumn, at least we hope it'll be like that.
September 6 A glance at our calendar showed us that some dear friends celebrate their birthdays this months. Help! We need presents.
September 10 Kind readers sent us advice for presents. Lucinda from Land's End writes that "the best present for a lady friend is a red rose". Yeah, well. What if it isn't a lady friend?
September 12 There are ideas for young children, too: toys like toy trains, kites, broomsticks and inflatable snails. We're NOT looking for presents for the Dickets.
September 18 This is the last day before the big B-DAY. We

haven't got a single present. This is officially doomsday.
September 20 What a relief! Our presents actually were great. A water lily from our office pond for the one, a long quill of duck feathers from Rosemary's backside for the other. Somehow these homemade presents got us more applause than lots of the store-bought stuff.
September 30 Look at the calendar: it's the last day of September and we haven't complained once about our work, about our printer, about anything relating to work. That's because we were very organized and great this month: newbroom was done so early we had no chance to complain. We are geniuses! Aren't we?

People Are Friable

(The World) Since all the staff of newbroom are constantly trying to broaden their minds and enhance their knowledge, we also read a great variety of texts: fiction, yellow press, poetry, and even scientific. Sometimes even the last category can provide hours of mischievous fun.
Take, for example, the rather dry and unnecessarily logical study of linguistics. At a first glance nobody would see any cause for laughter. There are different fields in linguistics, of course, but taken at face value none of them is even remotely likely to make you howl - at least not with laughter.
And yet we found a source of fun in a book on semantics that has entertained us for hours. The author was droning on about so-called truth values in sentences, which did not interest us much. There was one sentence, however, explaining why the word in question ("Mr Smith") was okay to be used after the verb "to fry". The author stated the sentence might be true, for 

all the verb "to fry" requires is an entity in object position which can be fried. And the author dryly stated: "People are friable." It made us stop. We read it again. As depressing as it is, it is also true. You could fry people the same way you fry a steak. Okay, you would need a larger pan or a huge barbecue, but technically it would work.
What kind of weirdo even thinks of frying people is left up to you to determine. We're only working on the basis of this concept! Consider, for example, what tedious work it might be to stuff a person like a chicken. all for the purpose of frying. Perhaps deep-frying is also possible when the person is coated in breadcrumbs.
You see, you can have a comfortable time thinking up various recipes - but don't you go and try them! a murder sentence isn't worth it. Right, we'll go and fry us some steals - from a four-legged cow, of course! (BC&MF)

Odd Odysseys I

(The World) As men of the world we here at broom travel all around the world. While doing so it happens that the strangest things happen to us. Of courser, we regularly report about these. And therefore here is a brand new adventure.
You know getting from A to B can’t be that complicated – theoretically. If you are situated in A you get on some sort of transport which will quickly get you to B – theoretically. As soon as you are in B you hop off from your some sort of transport and are happy – theoretically.
Practically, getting from one place to another tends to be rather complicated. Practically, there is no easy hopping onto some sort of transport. And practically, there is no quick way to anywhere. Furthermore, practically there is no A to depart from nor any B to travel to.
And still we do travel, mind you not to get away from any As or to go to any Bs, however, to find out something new and interesting which we can pass on to our dear readers – that would be you.
In this article, we’d like to talk about trains. Though ‘like’ is not the right word in this case as we would much prefer it not to

have to talk about trains at all. Or about getting from A to B. As a matter of fact, we did travel by train – to get from A to B. And yes, it was complicated. And yes again, it wasn’t quick. And thanks to public transport a 3 ˝ hour journey turned into a 4 hour journey. At other times a 4 hour journey is turned into a 5 hour journey and so on. We assume you did get the picture – we did anyway.
Trains are delayed because of railroad works or rather railroad doesn’t work. Trains are late because trees crash on the railway tracks in a faint attempt to commit safe suicide because they cannot bear all these train delays any longer. Trains don’t arrive on time because a signal is broken as it was used so often to announce late coming trains. Trains don’t leave the other stations on time because they are waiting for passengers from other, delayed trains which didn’t leave the other station on time because… Trains never do wait for us.

Our overuse of the ‘emphatic do’ must have made one thing clear: We here at broom are quite pissed off with trains that are late! Read on in the next edition to find out with which other vehicle we’re also pissed off. (BC&MF)

My Life As A Rat

(Somewhere) There are times when newbroom is sadly in need of interviwees, and then there are times when potential interviewees contact us to talk. Mike Flatley decided to follow one of the hopefuls' suggestions and met up with one of the most cowardly wizards ever: Peter Pettigrew.
MF: Peter, you asked to talk to a journalist. Here I am.
PP: Great, yes, indeed. Wouldn't you like to know what it's like to live as a rat?
MF: Go on, then, what is it like to be a

rat?
PP: It isn't easy to survive! So many people want to kill rats, and there are always cats on the prowl. But once you become a pet, life's great. you're spoilt rotten, even if I say so myself.
MF: Rats transmit diseases, Peter, did you know?
PP: Oh, ordinary rats do. I always tried to keep flee-free and to evade rubbish heaps.
MF: Okay. Peter, you are a spineless traitor. I guess a rat is very fitting for you.
PP: I beg your pardon!

MF: I think it was a rotten thing to do, to betray your friends and act out your own death while killing loads of Muggles.
PP: I had a very good reason to do so! Everyone was on to me, and I needed to find a way out.
MF: By committing murder?
PP: I wanted to live, don't you see?
MF: That's it, Peter, I'm leaving. You're a pathetic excuse for a wizard.
Sometimes it might be better not to speak with people trying to excuse their inexcusable deeds. We apologize for providing this forum. (MF)

newbroom's Next Best Bad Boy Board

(Hogwarts) In the last edition of newbroom’s Next Best Bad Boy Board you were taught that Anne did indeed consider to meet Greg since professor Snape was so much opposed to it. Good for Greg bad for Anne as you will soon find out.
Greg - in fact - did not know why Anne’s mood had worsened so much. He had thought himself to be quite the man, Mr Right so to say, for her and had had the imagination that she had awarded him the occasional smile. What he did not know was that Anne only smiled whenever a tall darkly clothed teacher was in sight and that she was pretty bored during the lengths of Greg’s monologues about being rich and how to treat others badly.
Soon Anne categorised her own peace higher than the triumph she got from annoying Snape. Greg was alone once again and as he did not know why he decided to be quite angry not only with Anne but also with the rest of those stupid girls. However, this was not quite so bad for him as it sounds. He concentrated fully on his studies being constantly closely watched by

professor Snape who did not want to experience another surprise.
He got outstanding results in his N.E.W.T.S. and ventured forth to study the Dark Arts more closely and without any interferences of teachers. He travelled a lot and is even said to have stayed in the Black Forest for some time. Whether he met vampires or the Dark Lord there is not known. By then he knew how to keep a low profile and might have even disappeared into oblivion if he had not tried to join the dark side.
You might argue now that this must have been quite easy for him and his abilities, but don’t forget that Greg had never learned to be a team player. He was born to be a chief and not a red Indian. He still had to learn a lot.
Make sure not to miss the next edition of newbroom’s Next Best Bad Boy Board and find out how hard it was for Greg to move up in the hierarchy of the Dark Lord. And learn whether we ever heard anything about him again or simply have to speculate.  (All)

Crossword Puzzle

1        2 
 VII  
   
 
3  4            5 
  6           
7         IV  
  8     
9       V        
    10   
11       II      III          
       
       
   
 VI 12       I    
Across
1 things you might want to gather
3 month in Down 10
6 place to which certain animals fly to
7 Muggle means of flying
9 activity in Down 10
11 native American season (two words)
12 are getting longer		 Down
1 hardly seen these days
2 ready to sleep soon
4 found for example on nettles
5 feast in Across 3
8 next season after Down 10 (spelled backwards)
10 one of the four seasons
 

The looked for phrase:
____ ____  ____ ____ ____ ____ ____ ____ ____!
I        II         III     IV    V       IV     VI     VII    III     

Disclaimer: All names, characters and places are property of J.K. Rowling and Warner bros., except of those not found in the "Harry Potter" books and movies which belong to Ulrike Friedrich and Kirsten Seelbach. No financial and/or commercial gain is intended.