newbroom Breaking News

Awful April Anxiously Awaits Magnificent May

Autonomous April will artistically end in a majestic move to marvelous May. Yawning year after yawning year you can clearly catch a good glimpse of this plain procedure. Some scientists now notably noted the chaotic cause for this cheerful change. The real research terribly took a terrible lot of time as every earthly era taking 364 ¼ days obviously offers only one akward occasion of this traditional turn. Generation after generation gratefully gave its fine findings to their few fantastic followers.
Today the terrific time has truly turned up to righteously reveal the roaring results of the realistic research. The miraculous moment must be meaningfully made a modern monument for those serious scientists who seekingly searched and searchingly seeked the total truth. The real reason for regularly replacing awful April by modern May is that the fine former fails fantastically to last longer in lack of more minutes. Therefore malicious May must move on to peacefully prevent a vicious vacancy. What a wisdom! (BC)

Old Oliphant Obstructed Oxburgh

(Oxburgh) An old oliphant obstructed Oxburgh’s small streets on Sunday. It savagely squashed several cute cars and bright bikes on its roaring rampage through the tiny town.
Where the odd oliphant originally came from remains a monu-

mental mystery. Hasty hunters hurriedly hit the animal with avid arrows, but they blithely bounced off its hairy hide. As ferociously fast as it had appeared, the old oliphant daftly disappeared, leaving behind a horrendous heap of wreckage. Let’s hope this was the last vile visit of the old oliphant! (MF)

newbroom-e-gram

March 2 Another month begins, and this time we really want to finish broom early on.
March 4 The Ministry made earnest this time and evicted us from headquarters. Lucky we’ve got one over them, so we have new premises.
March 7 Whatever happens now, the ministry can’t faze us. Sod you, morons!
March 15 Somehow we get the creepy feeling that something is going wrong here. That’s not to say we had a visit from any moron, either by the Ministry or the Death Eaters (are they still two separate organisations?). March 20 It is weird. It is weird, weird, weird. Geronimo went off. And the ink stalls are mysteriously closed as well. There seems to be some kind of boycott.
March 25 Okay, now we know it. The Ministry managed to stop all our supplies. The Daily Profit still gets all the paper, ink and printers it wants, only we don’t. We will see where this all ends.
March 31 We managed to finish the rough draft of broom, but no idea when to publish it. Since we won’t get printed, some swearing is allowed, we think: Fuck.

Challenges

Spring is undoubtedly the best time for a complete makeover. The longer days and more frequent sunshine make everyone jump up and start cleaning sorting through their wardrobes or thinking about a new hairstyle. When it comes to this last, very personal kind of makeover, some people like to consult an expert. Brian Cullen met up with Lorenzo Donicetti, magical style expert and fashion executive for ‘Seven UP’, to talk about trends and challenges.
BC: Welcome to our new headquarters, Mr Donicetti!
LD: Oh, do call me Lorenzo. Your office is really extraordinary.
BC: Thanks. We designed it by ourselves.
LD: Then it’s even more extraordinary. Few laymen know where to stop when remodelling something, but your nice garden is so

like nature. I’m impressed.
BC: Well, it’s certainly an honour to impress a designer as successful as you are. You started ‘Seven UP’ five years ago, didn’t you?
LD: Right. At the time I was still working for Madam Malkin, but ordinary robes are not enough of a challenge for a lifetime. So I began to design outrageous robes and blended the designs with Muggle fashion. My ideas hit a nerve, as it seems.
BC: They did. Now that you work for your own label, is that enough of a challenge for you?
LD: Not exactly. What I’d love is offering free makeovers to hopeless cases. You know, things like an old gran vamped up or the grizzly uncle turned into charming gentleman.
BC: Gosh, really? Who would you transform first?
LD: If I had the choice, it would be

that Hogwarts gamekeeper, Hagrid.
BC:There you’d have your work cut out.
LD: Sure, but after I sent him to a hairdresser’s, there’d be little to do.
BC: I wonder if that worked…
LD: No, most probably not, but it’s good fun imagining it. After all, imagination is what makes me so successful and pays my bills.
BC: Very true. Perhaps we can tempt you to do a column in broom once in a while?
LD: Might be – if the pay is alright.
BC: Thanks a million, Lorenzo, for this interview. Any suggestions as to which colour is the height of fashion this spring?
LD: That’s easy! It’s pale eggshell yellow and very light green. Can’t go wrong with that.
Well, actually you can when you’re Brian Cullen and look ridiculous in tight green trousers and pale yellow shirt… Still, enjoy spring! (BC)

Elvis Lives!

(Memphis/Tennessee) Elvis Presley a - no: the - supposedly dead rock star is famous for his occasional returns to this world. broom reports about another one of these instances.
„It was unbelievable,“ says a woman who is living in the neighbourhood of the estate where His Majesty Elvis the king of rock was seen at the very beginning of this past March. It was a bright cloudless evening when he all of a sudden appeared.
What would you do if Elvis showed up in your garden? „Well, he was so dirty that he had to to take a bath first,“ reports one woman who lives on the estate.
Bathing Elvis is probably somethingmany women would like to do. And still it seems to be an inappropriate first step – no matter how tempting.
The first step when stumbling over a celebrity in your garden – especially if it is a dead one or undead one – rather – is to take a photo of him or her. You will want to have something to sell to the newspapers later on.
Unfortunately, in his case no photo whatsoever was taken or do you see any picturesque proof here, we would have paid well at least if not more!

If you are Elvis and we do but that one of you out there is the same he, you will well know what naturally has to follow the bathing some treatment with the hair-dryer.
„He actually quite liked this,“ reveals our eye-witness. „And that was when we knew that he was Elvis.“ Well he does in fact have a very unique hair-do.
Of course, we here at broom tried to catch a glimpse of the star himself. „He's sleeping at the moment,“ we were informed. Only logical for a famous rock star who parties all night long.
„It's quite true. He tends to be very noisy at night. Especially, when he is eating,“ said the woman who had bathed Elvis. Then we found out that Elvis loved eating cat food – not really an improvement to a banana-jelly-peanut butter-sandwich.
Obviously, we would also find out where his majesty the king of rock resides. And you won't believe it. Well, we don't believe it ourselves: „We put him in the bathroom.“
In the bathroom. This had been definitely too much and we were on the verge of turning around, tearing up our notes and making up a more believable story for our April edition.
„I can show you,“ we were offered. As investigative journalists we simply had to find out for ourselves. The queerest thing about this story is that it is true: Elvis lives – in a bath tub! (All)

Sensation: broom of Noble Lineage

(London) Extensive historical research led to the astounding finding that broom is not a recent invention as the lone voice of truth and order. Even in the Middle Ages, broom was on the spot to help the poor peasants out of their revolting situation.
While reading a book about the history of England, we found out that broom has played a decisive role in the ruling of England for some centuries. Several kings declared their allegiance to broom, and one of them even used his royal power to end the English civil war between a certain Empress Maud and a King Stephen. Those two seem to have been rather at odds, but then, they were related. Family feuds can be

vicious at times. Anyway, it was Henry II, son of Maud, who told his mother to stop the war in the name of broom. All kings up to Henry VII paid their allegiance to broom. They put our logo into their coat of arms and their dynasty was named after the Latinised name of broom, which is “planta genista”.
broom is exceptionably proud to be of such ancient and noble family. The high and mighty editors are now considering changing their names into Sir Michael Plantagenet and Sir Brian Plantagenet. They have already applied to the Ministry of Magic and are now awaiting their reply, plus, in due time, an invitation for tea with their dear cousin the Queen. (MF&BC)

Travelling Tales: A Lesson A Day Keeps Death Eaters Away

We not only have feet but we also have arms.
(Still on holiday – now you're jealous, aren't you!) As we stated in one of our previous editions: We have feet. And as we do have feet we decided to use them, too. And so we did. Along the coast there are numerous sights to which you can walk (theoretically). We decided in favour of a lighthouse. This, naturally, took some time. We took a short-cut over the dyke.
Or rather, after a short odyssey through the city – you see, there is no sign indicating where the dyke was and the houses were too high to see it – we took the short-cut over the dyke. Anyway, instinct showed us the way.
Once we had reached the dyke, the dyke showed us the way: right – or was it left, no right – mmh, maybe left is right or right? We went right. And after an hour or so we were proven right.
Animagus in the shape of a cat! It's very interesting who you meet during your travels... UF09.
As food is very important for the support of the vital systems of the body, we had decided to have a picnic there in order to strengthen our body after this rather exhausting trip and as a preparation for the equally tiring way back.
However, we couldn't enjoy our food alone. Hungry Muggles stared at us or rather our food – well, this might have been due to the fact that we had 'produced' a fence to keep away any hungry mouths. Any hungry mouths?

Actually, as successful as it proved to be against Muggles, children and dogs as useless it was considering wasps. And we just didn't want to share“ Where is an ice-licking child when you need one?

All of these Muggles were after our food! UF09.
Anyway, we were able to finish our lunch almost undisturbed – if you happen to meet a jinxed wasp, you know why!
Since this had been one of our lazier days we decided to go for a swim in order to burn some of the calories which we hadn't lost walking or chasing the wasp.
Swimming is a great thing to do: It's healthy, you see good-looking people, you see people who are uglier than you. It's perfect and it even taught us a lesson: We not only have feet but we also have arms. (ALL)

newbroom's Next Best Bad Boy Board

In the last edition of broom's Best Bad Boy Board it was reported that Greg Nott had been sorted to join Slytherin by the Sorting Hat. Greg then wanted to turn out to be a real Slytherin and therefore tried to find a friend, any friend – in vain.
Greg was extremely disappointed it was not only that he didn't find a friend – any friend but also that it had been so easy to become a Slytherin. He had had no chance of proving his powers leave alone his evilness. He had become a Slytherin by accident – he was convinced.
As he was best at being evil and couldn't find any friends any way he decided to live true to his nature. There weren't any problems connected to coming up with evil plans leave alone the execution of the plans.
He soon had won a reputation of being evil down to his bones. This ensured that there always were half a dozen admirers surrounding him – making sure they weren't about to be his next victim. Since Greg wasn't stupid he soon realized that he earned more respect by treating certain people badly. He even realized that some people liked to be associated with him and he used this to his advantage as good as he could.
However, this only worked out as long as the first term lasted. The holidays came and passed – almost unnoticed by most like

a couple of wrackspurts. And still Greg's world had completely changed during his stay at home.
Rumours were that his motherhad died. Though no clear evidence for that was to be detected. Some said she had simply disappeared. Others thought she had been killed by her husband. The truth probably lies somewhere in between.
Fact is that Greg was hanged. Still evil inside but not letting anything get out. He barely spoke to anyone and was hardly spoken to. Many talked about him but would drop dead every time he came anywhere near them – not literally, of course.
His father must have told him to be a good boy for he turned into an eager student with an unquenchable thirst for knowledge. He started reading and secretly practiced what he had read. Soon he had turned into a master of the dark arts enabling him to score the highest marks in Charms, Potions and Transfigurations.
And still, this was a secret knowledge which he was not ready to share with anyone. Like a small plant he kept it from the envious eyes of everyone else to let it grow until it was big enough to defend itself.
Read on in the next edition of newbroom and find out whether Greg was able to keep his knowledge from his world or if he eventually was found out.

Sudoku

3

7

1

5

2

2

5

7

7

1

4

7

7

2

7

5

7

7

5

7

4
2

Have fun, Severus!

Disclaimer: All names, characters and places are property of J.K. Rowling and Warner bros., except of those not found in the "Harry Potter" books and movies which belong to Ulrike Friedrich and Kirsten Seelbach. No financial and/or commercial gain is intended.