broom Breaking News
Nasty November Nandoos Knocked Out Naturally
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(Winter Wonderland) A sad season is surely starting. While woeful winter made way for singing spring which stepped aside for sunny summer a new and active autumn pushes all aside to take over the reign and rule. Actually, autumn seems to save some seeds which will warmly welcome sensational spring. However, happy harvest has already hurriedly hiked its winding way back to the broad bridges of our certainly sad surroundings. |
This seasonal change suddenly stroke and some nibbling nandoos were knocked out naturally by nasty November. Next new animals will apparently appear in place of the naturally selected sick nandoos and carefully create a cool kind of cold-proof specimen. Dead Darwin did daringly dash forward with his fine findings that the fatale future of all animals is decisively dependent on their innate ability to always adapt to their environment. This is known as evil evolution. (MF) |
Death Eaters Devoured by Dolphin
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(Devonshire) Dozens of dizzy Death Eaters delighted in dancing around debutant Devonshirers as they were dilettantely duelling in order to definitely define the most deadly Death Eater. Daft Death Eaters decisively deposited their derivable dactylogram on daft daffodils, deli dahlias and dainty daisies. Decrepit Death Eaters were de facto defeated by the dejected defence squad of the deluded Ministry. These delicious delinquents were directly delivered to a demon dolphin in dandy France to be |
disadvantagely devoured and disaffectedly digested. The dishevelled dinner of the sort of disgruntled dinosaur was disgracefully disgorged again. The Death Eater dish displeasingly deemed to be disputably disqualified for the distinguished diet of a died out demon dolphin of which only a dozen are doubtedly divided between dull Devonshire and doggish Dartmoor. Don’t dare dreaming of dutifully dope your drivelling pet demon dinosaur with dumb Death Eaters, it won’t like it! (BC) |
broom-e-gram
October 1 A golden October lies in front of us -
surely there are better things to do than to work. |
October 20 We found out about thne noble prize for literature
and that any old writer can get it. We read some of their works - hell, they
are sooo broing mostly. And stupid. But broom is neither... October 24 We can't do boring, but we can do animals. Animals are a sure thing to win the noble prize. October 29 Oops, it isn't called the noble prize but the Nobel prize. Well, doesn't matter, we also get a huge sum of money with the prize. This is our time. This is our plan. and now we've got to prepare for our party. Our Halloween party, of course, you don't celebrate prizes you haven't won yet. October 31 It's Hallowe'en, folks! Let's celebrate our magical lives and - happy deathday, Sir Nicholas. |
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(Moleton-up-Hill)
Brian Cullen was informed of the noble mission of Serena Spiderbug,
insect authority and author of various handbooks, to help insects gain the
fame they merit in the magical world. On broom's own mission to be awarded
the long due Nobel prize for literature, Brian took the chance to write yet
another masterpiece of witty investigative journalism. |
research in insects? SS: There are hardly any more fascinating creatures than insects! They have colonies, they have real state-like populations, they are tiny and yet powerful... BC: ... and they scare some people witless. SS: Ah, true, true! Some people really have the intelligence of an amoeba, and that's saying something. However, even I sometimes get the creeps when I think our world could be taken over by insects! BC: But surely that won't happen! I mean, insects can't do magic, can they? SS: That is a good question indeed. I have done some experiments in that field, as you know. BC: Indeed. Most magical people only know about the uses of insects in potions or alchemy. SS: Right. But actually there are cases |
of very gifted flobberworms who were able to stupefy themselves. |
Beat Me, Bite Me, Call Me Animal Names Like Chimpanzee
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(The World of the Rich, Mighty and Famous)
The last month saw the declaration of the newest winner of the nobel prize
for literature. It’s quite clear that we want that too. As qualified writers
as we here at broom are, there still was one ingredient missing: animal
names. From this year’s choice it is quite clear that the use of animal
names is decisive if you want to win this prize. Naturally, we here at broom
took the next step and decided that we would use animal names in all the
headlines of the November edition of your favourite magazine. |
 In fact, nobody we asked knew the writer herself. It is
obvious that we are a bit too qualified in this respect as our
magazine is sold by the dozens. And all we asked knew about the content of
broom!Of course, we could easily try to become less famous and less known to the public, however, this doesn’t seem to be as significant as the names of the animals. Please read on and enjoy our nobel prize winning edition of your broom. (MF) |
broom's Best Pet Boy Board
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In our last edition you were able to
witness the steady climb up the ladder which is also known as career of a
certain Argus Filch. Stick to broom and become the audience of his downfall,
too. |
That was exactly the
moment when headmaster Dippet stepped up and asked the Ministry of Magic for
a new head-torturer for his school. Yes, Hogwarts - school for Witchcraft
and Magic - used to have a head-torturer! And believe us he didn't only
torture your heads! The Minister gladly parted with Argus Filch and did
anything to convince him to change working places. When Argus realized that he had finally made it and was accepted or rather feared at Hogwarts he was overjoyed. Yes, hardly imaginable but that was what he was. He soon improved the old torturing methods and made the dungeons sound-proof. That's why you never hear Professor Snape arriving! There he turned torturing into a form of art. Don't hesitate to read on in the next edition of broom and learn how the circle was closed and Argus Filch became a caretaker again and from then on was only able to snap at students. |
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Deck the halls with boughs of holly, Severus!
Travelling Tails 2009: A Lesson A Day Keeps Death Eaters Away
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Don't puke against the wind
Since staying at the coast is a bit boring wave-wise, we decided to go to a
nearby island to enjoy the breakers. Going to an island means, at least for
Muggles, to use some form of conveyance. The vehicle of choice is mostly a
ship. Some Muggles may prefer a plane, but we decided on a ship. It was a
special type of ship called a ferry, which is a ship travelling to and from
a place, transporting goods and people and cars. It's rather big. The
weather was brilliant, so loads of people had had the same ideas we had.
Luckily we found a seat above deck. |
Of course the idea in itself is disgusting. But we were looking for
life's lessons, so we kept thinking of which lesson this child's joke could
teach us. We thought of it while we strolled through some shops on the hunt
for souvenirs. We thought of it when we were picknicking on the beach. We
thought of it watching the waves and enjoying the sand under our feet. And
then the solution came to us in form of a huge common gull with a taste for
apples.  photo: KS 2009 |
Throwing bits of fruit to the gull, we realized the direction of the
wind was crucial. That is, if we wanted the gull real close close, the apple
could be thrown in any direction. Gulls do bite, though, so we did not
exactly want the bird too close. The apple had to go with the wind, not be
blown back at us. |
Thanks Dolores, Pussycat!
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(Diagon Alley) In this time of economic
crisis it is quite good to see at least one shining instance of neon signs
in this sky od total darkness – especially, if it is one that is not a
replica of the infamous Dark Mark. One of these shining lights – or we may
even be so bold to say, the only shining light is emitted by Fred and George
Weasley, broom's own Fred and George Weasley were sent out to interview Fred
and George Weasley. |
George: Definitely. You know well that I've been working for broom
for a very long time and even before I had admired the achievementsof the
two talented young men. My inspiration, mainly, came from the idea to make
money out of something that makes people laugh. What about you, Fred, our readers will know well that you are the better-looking part of Weasley's Wizard Wheezes, what in broom lit the fire of invention in you? Fred: You're quite right. I am the better looking half of Weasley's Wizard Wheezes. In fact, I, too, have been inspired by broom. I was especially caught by the idea to make tons of money by doing the things I loved doing most. George, our readers are very keen to know what started it all off. George: Well, the readers of broom will be well aware that when Weasley's Wizard Wheezes started we were still attending school. At first, it was just |
the idea to make money for the big start and, of course, to make the life
of Dolores Umbridge as hard as possible. Actually, we should say: Thanks
Dolores, Pussycat! |
Letters to the Editors – Sorry Pet-itors
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Dear sirs or slaves, I was really extremely angry when I read through the interview which had been conducted previously by your very own Fred Weasley for your monthly magazine broom. In fact, it was very disappointing to read that your own magazine and its reputation seem to be more important than the company of the Weasley brothers namely Weasley's Wizard Wheezes. While Weasley's Wizard Wheezes was hardly ever mentioned, the name broom is to be read in almost every sentence. However, as if this hadn't been enough to make any interviewee very angry, you also misquoted me. broom wrote, I quote: Thanks Dolores, Pussycat! Unquote. I want to state that I have never and will never call Dolores Umbridge Dolores Pussycat! Furthermore, I would never ever in my whole life sink so low as to thank somebody who has notably joined the dark side and misusing her own office and power was responsible for endless troubles of anyone who was not considered to be a pure blood. George Weasley |
Dear sirs or slaves, It made me very angry to read the interview in your monthly magazine broom. George Weasley had led through the questions and seemingly not noted my answers. I was enraged when I had to read the name of your monthly magazine, broom, more often than the name of my own company, which is – by the way – known as Weasley's Wizard Wheezes – just in case you didn't know or didn't realize from the interview you published. As bad as this may be and believe me it is bad for any company apart from your own, you even claimed that I said the following statement: broom wrote, I quote: Thanks Dolores, Pussycat! Unquote. I have to make it clear that I have never and will never call Dolores Umbridge Dolores Pussycat! Additionally, I would never in my life betray all resistancehood by thanking somebody who has obviously joined the bad side and was a leading figure in the hunting of anyone but pure bloods an caused many families to live through hard times. Fred Weasley |
Dear Fred and George Weasley, We were really very sorry and it made us really extremely sad to read that the both of you were so disappointed by the interview which had been conducted by broom's very own Fred and George Weasley who used to work for your favourite monthly magazine, also known as broom – yes, you read it correctly: who used to work for your favourite monthly magazine, broom. As a matter of fact, the owl is already on its way to tell the two brothers that they are fired and will never ever be allowed to work for broom again. We are very sorry that the name of your well-known company wasn't mentioned as often as the name of your favourite monthly magazine, broom. We promise to be better and will try – from now on – to include the name of your company as often as possible when it is apropriate and even if it is not. As to the topic of Dolores Umbridge, we would rather not mention her again or talk to her again. Therefore we will just drop her – sorry it, the topic. broom |