broom Breaking News

Magic Movie Makes Muggles Manic

Many Muggles moved into a magic movie monitoring to willingly witness the wonderful world of wise wizards and witty witches. They sensibly saw short Harry who is horribly Hobbit-like in his outer appearance and awkwardly appears as a garden gnome among great giants. This seriously seems to similarly show his scholastic skills and wizarding ways.
Righteous Ron rarely reacted really ridiculous, however, habit-formingly happened to howlingly have hilarious heaps of happy humour. He charmingly cheered up the audacious audience. Red Ron in lusty love is a sympathetic sight. Eagerly every Tom, Dick or Harry Potter would have hoped to backingly be the cuddled cushion in his amourous arms.

Awful Aragog, shocking spider and late la-di-da, six feet under with his furry feet upside down pushing the daisies after having kicked the bucket luckily left no dry eye in the whole hall. All audience cheerfully joined in the crying of hopeless Hagrid, hackneyed Horace and high Harry. Our faint feelings fiercely find his ferocious family.
Finally, haunted Hogwarts has been heartily re-decorated. Former fair-minded studious students seldomly sight a familiar fiasco. The brand-new bedrooms, the sacrificed staircases and the Gaelic grounds carefully cause confusion. Some students surely said where were we? Fortunately, fine Muggles find meek fault in this magic film. (MF)

Crabbe Caught with Cannabis

(London) Vile Vincent Crabbe was caught with cannabis! Obviously, old Crabbe could not cope with his dad’s criminal conviction and subsequent stay in awful Azkaban. He tried to drown his dire dreads in drugs. Muggle pleasemen purposefully searched his satchels and suitcases and finally found a lot of crappy cannabis. If you want to watch white whales walking

with wicked wolves, just smoke a cigarette containing cannabis. Do not let pleasemen pounce on you, since what you do is illegal. Crabbe found himself in a mean Muggle courtroom and was sentenced to do cool community work – 120 hours of it! What do people say? Like father, like son.
(MF)

broom-e-gram

July 2 Odo the hero... lalalalala....
July 5 We challenged Geronimo who could drink more black ink, he or us. He won.
July 7 Celebrating is cool. We throw a party every night. All of our friends come, although it wasn't easy to agree on a time to start between the three of us.
July 10 Loads of presents arrived. Thanks for the telephone, Arthur! It makes a great paperweight.
July 14 Professor Slughorn, thanks for the mead - we didn't drink it, because it smashed, but it's the idea that counts.
July 20 Professor Dumbledore, thank you ever so much for the huge sack of sherbet lemons which we decided to hand out for free to everyone who buys broom. That means, it takes a year to use them all. Cool idea!
July 31 It's magic. It's the end of the month and broom is done. Either we're brilliant or we have brownies living in our home. (We mean the gnome-like beings, not mouldy, furry old cake.)

"Thanks, Dolores!"

(Diagon Alley) As successful businessmen, we know what is important in bad times like these: Make ‘em laugh – or love! In Weasleys’ Wizard Wheezes you find both. Daring the threat of being attacked by Death Eaters or reporters of the Daily Profit or the Ministry Morons, Brian Cullen decided that he had to do a spot of shopping and went to London to visit broom’s former sports reporters Fred and George Weasley.
BC: Well, Fred and George, your shop really has got style. I just wonder which.
FW: We asked a celebrity interior designer who works with feng shui a lot.
BC: Who is Feng Shui?
GW: It’s the science of placing your furniture correctly in the room so that no bad waves are attacking you. And it’s also about choosing the right colours for you.
BC: Yes, and for broom headquarters

we consulted Capability brown. Tell that to Flitwick!
GW: We already did. He just loves our portable swamp, by the way.
FW: He loves all of our items.
BC: What about the other teachers? Did anyone of them buy anything?
GW: Professor McGonagall bought Shamble Sherbet Lemons.
FW: They make you change the first letters of the words you’re going to say.
GW: They’re for Dumbledore, she said.
FW: And Professor Snape, of course, tried our famous love potion.
BC: So that’s how he got Patience.
GW: Um, no, we don’t think so… Professor Sprout wanted some Catherine wheels to keep the birds from her sugarpuff seeds.
BC: Where did you get the money from? Surely you didn’t buy all this out of your wages for writing for broom.
FW: We’ve got a dormant partner

whose name must not be mentioned.
GW: Dormant partner nunquam titillandus.
BC: Alright, alright, don’t show off. You’ve gone quite a long way from mere schoolboys to tycoons.
FW: Actually, we didn’t go, we just Apparated.
GW: But yes, we were quite surprised by our own success – although we had hoped things would turn out well.
BC: It is a well-known fact that Dolores Umbridge drove you out of school. Is there anything you would like to say to her now?
FW & GW: Thanks, Dolores!
BC: What is your secret of success?
FW: The three H’s: honesty, hard work and hilarious products.
GW: And of course we watched you at broom.
BC: Ah! As agreed upon, your next advertisement in broom will be for free. Thanks for your time.
FW & GW: Our pleasure.

The King Lives!

(The Muggle World) Once more the courageous editors of broom packed their wands and took and extended stroll into the Muggle world. This time they set their feet into a cinema – a Muggle cinema showing a magical movie: Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince.
Read on and learn all about a further breathtaking adventure in the Muggle world. And find out how Brian and Mike fared: As connaisseurs of the Muggle world, we here at broom know quite a bit about the Muggle world and therefore were quite surprised to learn that Elvis is still alive at the beginning of the movie.
Elvis, the one or the other Muggle may know, Presley is or rather was known as the king of rock – though we don’t know why there should be a king for stones. He died applying a mixture of different meds to himself.
Or perhaps he didn’t die. You see, some people claim that he is still alive. Ever since his death in 1977 there have been sightings of the star reported. If you happen to meet a 74 year old man with more hair than is good for your head (obviously), it might just be Mr Presley.

We have seen him! And so did Horace Slughorn. He looks magnificently like Albus Dumbledore. Elvis was also known as the pelvis – well, we never spotted any particular swing in Dumbledore’s walk, however, we never paid particular attention to his behind.
Still, it is quite important to have a king as the movie was called Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince. So let’s move from king to prince.
By now it should be known throughout the magical and Muggle world that Severus Snape is the prince. Princes, usually, are the son of a king – well, we don’t know anything about this either as we never could detect any likeness in the way the two walk, then again, in some circles Severus is known as snake-hips.
This would be an explanation for the prince and as there was no other one given, we will have to rely on this. Another interesting fact, however, is that once the king is dead, the prince takes over and becomes king himself. Elvis – sorry, Albus is dead, funnily enough killed by the hand of the prince, but this is how things work in monarchies, Anne told us. Which leaves just one last line for us: The king is dead, long live the king. (MF)

broom's Best Bad Boy Board

Last month you learned all about the little happy family. The two hungry children Christina and Benjamin and what happens during a honeymoon. In this edition you will find out how not to get a job.
Clearly being a caretaker is not the highest rung on the ladder you can react when you are a McNair (if you are a McNair). Argus was aspiring more than just caretaker. He wanted to be head-caretaker. Obviously, it’s quite hard to become a head-caretaker when you are the only caretaker around.
Admittedly, his was only a smell building, but how do you apply for the job of caretaker in a bigger building when you can hardly decipher the job offers? It can hardly get worse than that, however, Argus managed.
Argus could hardly wait until his kids were old enough to read the job offers to him for in any case they would have starved before they had reached that age. Therefore he pretended that

he was in bad need of glasses which is just as ridiculous as anyone with a wig claiming that it was his or her natural heir. From then on his wife did all the reading and writing for him.
While he had been very unsuccessfully trying to get a better job in the surrounding buildings, his wife had better luck and got him a job. It was not the best caretaker job imaginable, however, there was a small chance of climbing up the caretaker ladder not only to exchange a broken light bulbs. He was to be caretaker – one of many we do have to mention – for a company. People working there at the time would call Argus whenever a chair was rickety or they thought he was a tramp and intended to throw him out. One day when they had been successful again, Argus quit the job and left for good.
Find out whether he returned to his wife and children or eloped with a fair haired mysterious beauty in next month’s edition of broom.

Crossword Puzzle

		¹
					²		³
				⁵		⁶	_IV		_VII
		⁴	⁷
⁹					¹⁰

						_III		¹¹
	¹²		_X			¹³				_II


¹⁴		_IX						_I

								¹⁵

Across
1 wooly animal
5 animal with a very long neck, to be found in one of the pictures at Hogwarts
9 connected to "rain"
10 patron animal of Gryffindor
13 monkey
14 a special type of horse
15 one of our pets
16 usually called Polly

Down
1 soft, slimy and disgusting, especially the giant ones - no offence meant
2 unusually large bird
3 rhymes with 'big'
4 big, and grey
6 animal with a horn on the head
7 small, green and musical
8 in former times the name of the French dauphin
11 cat, sort of
12 another monkey

The looked for phrase:

B____ ____  Y____ ____  ____ ____ ____  ____ ____ ____   
    I    II      III  I     IV   V    VI    III  I    V
____ ____V____ ____ ____ ____ ____ ____  ____ ____ ____,

VII  IV     III I     V    VIII II   VI   IX    VI   II

____ ____V____ ____ ____ ____!

X    VI     VI   V   I     X

Albus Dumbledore Only Pseudonym

(Germany) Everyone in the magical world knows the famous Albus Percival and you know the rest Dumbledore, headmaster of Hogwarts school for witchcraft, wizardry and magic. New proof which was recently discovered tells a heartbreaking, different story: It seems that a famous, female author, whose name is known to the editors but won’t be revealed to the public due to the privacy act of 1974, is head of the anonymous coffee drinkers of the UK.
Several facts seem to form a basic ground for this assumption. In order to propagate her drinking ideology and to even turn the smallest of our inhabitants into coffee drinkers.
She used the initials of her idol to name on of the main characters in her novels. This takes us back to Albus Dumbledore. Now, do the initials AD ring any bell – not, not Katie?
No, there’s no connection to Jesus Christ as in fact he wasn’t particularly known for his consumption. In fact. AD stands for Alois Dallmayr, the famous German coffee supplier. He, you might not know, possesses headquarters in Munich which is the capital of Bavaria in Germany. If it only was a British coffee supplier. Think of all the votes she would get!

As a matter of fact the famous author, whose name is known to the editors but won’t be revealed to the public due to the privacy act of 1974 and who named one of her main characters relying on the initials of Alois Dallmayr, prefers his brand to any other British or even American brand and hoped that by choosing this way to popularize his product to get some free samples for herself and only for herself, don't think she would have shared.
Naturally, you may argue that this is quite far fetched, however, there is some evidence to undermine our assumptions: the author, whose name is known to the editors but won’t be revealed to the public due to the privacy act of 1974 who named one of her main characters relying on the initials of Alois Dallmayr and who hoped that by doing so she would end up with a lorry full of free samples, hardly ever mentions the drink ‘tea’. Most of her characters are condemned to fuel on pumpkin juice, Madam Pomfrey’s hot chocolate or the Leaky Cauldron’s dripping hot butterbeer. Beliefs are that she was talked into avoiding the word coffee so that her intentions would be a bit better hidden to the broad public but only be subtly felt.

Instinctly, you will argue that this is not enough evidence to find her guilty of propagating coffee. And we quite agree as you haven’t laid your eyes upon our final proof. The proof to prove it all: The author, whose name is known to the editors but won’t be revealed to the public due to the privacy act of 1974 who named one of her main characters relying on the initials of Alois Dallmayr who hoped that by doing so she would end up with a lorry full of free samples and who made most of her characters drink non-tea drinks, wrote her stories in a café and not in a tea!
Just when we were about to put Geronimo into bed and give our quills a rest for the night an owl brought additional evidence that the author, whose name is known to the editors but won’t be revealed to the public due to the privacy act of 1974 who named one of her main characters relying on the initials of Alois Dallmayr who hoped that by doing so she would end up with a lorry full of free samples who made most of her characters drink non-tea drinks and who wrote her stories in a café, might also have had Albert Darboven in mind. broom will watch this closely and inform you of any new developments or findings that we come across. (MF)

Letter to the Editors

Dear Brian and Mike,
I don’t know if you have been to the Muggle movies lately, but there is a new film about the “Chosen One”. I went to see it and I was very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very disappointed. I went with Hermione, she hates it, too. I told my cousin Patience about it, she promised to kill Bellatrix Lestrange, however, Molly said so as well. It seems as if Bellatrix has no great chance for survival.
So has, incidentally, the director of this film. He is an ass, a birdbrain, a chowderhead, a ding-dong, a fool, a gink, a halfwit, an imbecile, a jerk, a klutz, a lamebrain, a moron, a noodle, a puddinghead, a squarehead, a twit, a village idiot, a wiener and a zombie. If he ever crosses my path…
Anyway, what enraged me so was the way he portrayed me. I mean, I look like Dolores Umbridge!!! How can he have me wear such old biddy’s clothes? And besides, it wasn’t so easy

to catch Remus Lupin. It took me a whole year to persuade him of the fact that I am perfect for him. In the movie we look like an old couple (and that doesn’t refer to our clothes). I’m just lost for words!
Love,
N. Tonks

Dear Nymphadora,
thank you for your letter. We watched the film, too, and yes, we also were quite disappointed about not being portrayed at all. So what do you complain about? At least, you had one line. And Remus. We don’t know about the director of the movie, but the people at the ministry certainly are morons. I hope I was of help to you, yours sincerely, Brian.
PS: Give my regards to your cousin – you know which one.

Disclaimer: All names, characters and places are property of J.K. Rowling and Warner bros., except of those not found in the "Harry Potter" books and movies which belong to Ulrike Friedrich and Kirsten Seelbach. No financial and/or commercial gain is intended.