broom Breaking News

Vampires Visiting

Visually forty vicious vampires whistlingly went to welcoming Westminster. Actually, the effective editors of this enthusiastic e-magazine are emotionally affected by the awaited arrival of awful arrivers. However, half a hundred happy humans have hilariously hoped to not be harmfully harmed by the vicious vampires – in vain. In vein the cruel creatures terror-evokingly tossed their teeth. The worthy victims were wild visitors of a short seminar.

This sorrowful show had been motivatedly moved to an earlier hour and hereby enabled the ecstatic beasts to blissfully bite al participating bystanders. Usually, you usefully live forever, unfortunately, these young vampires hadn’t washed their fine fangs. Everybody bitten was immediately infected with vivid bacteria. The whole course was killed. The whole course? Luckily are latecomer lived. She hadn’t been informed about the initial exchange of the hours. God bless her. (BC)

Boring Best Bad Boy Board Brilliantly Brings Back Bare Boredom

broom’s Best Bad Boy Board barely books a bushy bunch of bull-necked bunnies. The Best Bad Boy Board is a bumptious bubble of bookish bunkum. Bonny bachelors are basically bonkers to boldly publish such a barely bearable biography. Biased people bewitchingly bicker about the poor bourgeois who bravely bows to betimes become a brainy brain-worker. Brawling brats should blushingly beware because some big bigwigs may brightly blow a boisterous Blitz.

This blotchy blah broadly based on the brisk boloney of a brute bloke from the boosting boondocks bumpily bores. A bundle of bully people believably believe that the buggy buffoon should busily pack and buy a brindled boat to blunderingly board it. The bovine bromide would be bound to bounteously become the best best boy. Be a boggling bogoose and blankly blend in with your black blanket. Thank you! Thank you, thank you so very much! (MF)

broom-e-gram
June 1 This is the month of our anniversary and we decided not to be sober any single day!
June 5 Yo-ho-ho and a bottle of rum!
June 6 What shall we do with the drunken sailor?What shall we do with the drunken editor?
June 10 We ran naked through the streets. Great fun!
June 15 An Irish man, a vicar and a doctor sat in a bar...		 June 20 ...we too! In the Hogshead, Brian proposed to a goat. The goat declined. Bleat!
June 27 Somehow we need to manage broom. Now that we are drunk we see everything double. Double the amount of work to be done for broom. Slaves!
June 31 Horace granted us one day extra so that we were able to finish broom in time and celebrate our anniversary.

Another Year Gone By

(Our Office) The fifth year of your favourite magazine our broom has drawn to an end. There have been countless articles published in our magazine. We put our head mathematician to work to be able to present some facts and figures to you.
The last year brought about 10 mio letters which were combined to 2 mio words. These were put into 33 BBNs, 17 reports, 15 interviews, 4 Horticultural Horrors, 3 Cooking and Slicings. In this tremendous amount of masterpieces 985 typos were found.
During the last year a total of 9 quickquote-quills ceased. The people working for broom wasted 777 pieces of parchment.Additionally, 1000 tons of vermin were taken from		 headquarters. The lawn was mowed 15 times, although it should have been 30 times.
Our duck ate 212 kg of salad, while Geronimo was satisfied with 7 ink cartridges filled with black ink and dissatisfied with 1 ink cartridge  with pink ink (we had to disinfect him after he had found out).
3000 litres of water were sweated out or peed by the editors and shares. They ate 50 kg of jelly babies. Their hair grew 679m. However, there were only 12 hours of work done. Now you know the most important and most interesting facts and figures. Something to use to show at any party, we’d say! Please remain ours faithfully and stick to your favourite broom! (ALL)

Scandal Casts Its Shadow Over Our Jubilee

(Yorkshire) One of our slaves made an earth-shattering discovery while doing some research about the twin brother of Cornelius Fudge. Many people might not know, but the former Minister of Magic has a brother. Unfortunately his parents were so poor that one of the twins had to be parted with. As drowning babies had been out of fashion they gave him away.
This twin brother grew up in a normal but relatively rich family, the Farnons. As the Farnons were quite fond of Germans they called her son Siegfried. Siegfried grew up to be a respectable young man. He studied veterinary medicine and moved into Skelldale House, Darrowby.
Well, you know what life is like and in many cases after a couple has adopted a child they get one of their own. Siegfried, however, was equally loved. Tristan was the new boy. There are some years that separate the two and still there is not much more to do so.
Though he wasn’t as a respectable young man as his brother, he still managed to be the pride of his parents. Following his brother’s path he became a vet. He too moved to Skelldale House, Yorkshire.
It seems that during his wild years young Tristan had the one or the other female acquaintance. Now it happens so that our slave noticed a certain likeness between Tristan Farnon and Neville Longbottom.

 It happens so that Neville’s mom – her name (Alice Longbottom) is known to the editors and slaves but won’t be revealed to the public due to the privacy act of 1974 – happened to be settling around Yorkshire. It seems that the two met there.
Of course, what exactly happened between the two is unknown, then again, the likeness should tell the whole story. Only a couple of days later she met her future husband – whose name (Frank Longbottom) is also known to the editors and slaves and will neither be revealed to the public again due to the privacy act of 1974.
The two fell in love, got engaged and married within a month. Eight months later baby Neville was born. It seems quite obvious that neither his mom nor his father – his real father know anything about the relation.
As both Neville’s parents are in St. Mungo’s, however, and he only has his grandma to take care of him, we would suggest that a respectable man should take over the role of male role model. And if none of the respectable ones are available, you have to make do with the other one.
Therefore, Mr. Farnon, Mr. Tristan Farnon, we would like to address you here directly to ask you to take the little hand of your little son and lead him into the world. We are sure he will be the pride in your eyes once you have got to know him better. (MF)

broom's Best Bad Boy Board

Last month you learned everything about the wedding of Matilda and Argus. Today you’ll find out how it happened that they parented two kids.
Argus and Matilda spent their honeymoon at the coast in Southampton to be precise. Yes, we do know that this is the place where they lived. They couldn’t afford more. Don’t be so nosy! They stayed in Argus’s cosy flat with a view – over to the garbage cans.
The typical reader of broom will know what people do during their honeymoon. Matilda and Argus are not different from people. The only difference between them and people might be that they only had a very short honeymoon. Therefore, the next day they were off to work again.
However, this short honeymoon did have its consequences. After some months the consequences left its mothers womb and shortly afterwards were christened Christina, well, consequences wouldn’t have been such a nice name for a girl. Christina was the light in her parents’ eyes. Anyone who has

children knows how much joy those little sausages bring to life. As their lives were so joyless they decided to have another child. A second honeymoon wasn’t without consequences either. A baby boy was the result. Since result is just as bad a name for a boy as consequences for a girl, they decided to give him the name of Walter. Yes, the boy was named Benjamin.
Now, anyone with two children knows that there isn’t an endless amount of joy to be enjoyed and that the maximum of joy is reached with one child. Having two kids wasn’t exactly funny either.
There was only one way to solve this problem, however, Matilda refused to part with Benjamin. Argus had to find a better job. Now, this of course sounds logical, but any caretaker who ever tried to find a better job will know how hard this is.
Next month’s broom will reveal all about his trials and errors. And how he got the management of a really big skyscraper.

Sudoku

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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This is for you, Severus!

Happy Cadaver Day

(Rome) Actually, we here at broom had thought to already be accustomed to the strangest of Muggle customs – religious and worldly. However, the last month surprised us with a holiday which from now on will count as the strangest day of the year: Happy Cadaver Day.
Happy Cadaver Day is celebrated at the start of June, yearly. As we were unable to get much more information about this special day, we cannot reveal what it is all about. Then again, we think it should be something like the celebration of your Deathday.
Now to anyone who is not familiar with this magical or rather ghostly custom, let us enlighten you: After you were born your birthday becomes next to Halloween or Christmas one of the most important yearly extravaganzas. Probably all of you will have celebrated their birthday in one way or another.
Once you were born it is almost certain that you will die – unless, of course, you kill some people in order to create 		Horcruxes or you manage to lay your hands on the philosopher’s stone. And once you kicked the bucket it doesn’t make much sense to celebrate your birthday. Therefore, what would be more natural than to celebrate your deathday from then on?!
There are, in fact, many ways to celebrate your deathday. Some ghosts invite all their friends – dead and alive. Should you ever be invited to a deathday party please do go. It’s an experience you’ll never forget – but mind you don’t go there with an empty stomach. No food will be served. Other ghosts like to spend this special anniversary in the place where they once lived. A night of hunting your old home is supposed to be better than a night with your loved one – we were told.
Naturally, they are also those ghosts who like to spend this day alone. It’s best to let everyone stick to their customs and therefore we think we’ll leave Happy Cadaver Day to the Muggles. Nothing’s as queer as folks. (MF)
Disclaimer: All names, characters and places are property of J.K. Rowling and Warner bros., except of those not found in the "Harry Potter" books and movies which belong to Ulrike Friedrich and Kirsten Seelbach. No financial and/or commercial gain is intended.