broom Breaking News

 A Song to Gravy?

(England) There is nothing so typically English as the Sunday lunch of joint, vegetables, Yorkshire pudding and, of course, gravy. However, as some very discerning authors realized, gravy is sadly underestimated.
Nobody has ever made a poem or a song about gravy. Not even a novel, nor a short story has been written about it. Isn’t that a horribly unjust treatment for a sauce which has shaped Britain as no other sauce has. You don’t believe that? Well, 		gravy has been Nelson’s favourite, and Queen Victoria recommended it. Shakespeare spoiled his best parchment with it – perhaps that’s why there’s no sonnet to gravy.
Now broom calls you to the task of creating the ultimate hymn to gravy. Do help this inimitable sauce to get properly respected! Send us your songs, poems, or texts. If you want to, you could add a stanza or paragraph about custard. We await your works eagerly! (MF&BC)

                            
      

Monk Manages to Steal Sex-films

(Germany) A Benedictine burglar burgled a sassy sex shop in a small village in Germany. The mean monk meant to spend some hours watching perverse porn instead of praying purposefully. Unfortunately, he was duly detected taking the tart-films out of the secluded shelves without paying for them. The monk managed to escape. He was wearing normal cool

clothes, not the tell-tale brown hooded habit of brave and boring Benedictines. This goes to show that even holy men sometimes have very unholy notions. Beware of monks in civilian clothes who love to watch wrong films and preach quite the opposite!
(DD)

 

broom-e-gram

August 5 The holidays are definitely over: Lucius Malfoy called!
August 8 Somehow there's been a mess after Lucius' call... Can't he keep his wand to himself?!
August 15 Rosemary and Rascal have been doing their best to complete the mess created by Lucius. We must start cleaning.
August 17 Alright, yes, well, we might clear up the rubbish strewn around the floor - but there is so much mail flooding in and we have so much to do that we can't be bothered with mundane tasks like cleaning.		 August 19 Something is rustling under the papers on the floor. Either we've got mice or we've got something dark here. Or tarantulas.
August 25 Seeing that we'd never get the team of broom together with the prospect of tarantulas running around, we took our wands and cleaned up. No tarantulas! Just mice, much to Rascal's pleasure...
August 31 Well, well, well - there is a new broom, with two hours to go on the deadline. Once again we made it, and we dare to say we made it well. Nay, great. Until next time!

“Students Are Treasures to Keep”

(Hogwarts) Since its foundation, Hogwarts has seen a lot of headmasters and headmistresses. Although the last few years were rather exciting, what with murder and war in the sacred halls, order and peace have been restored by the new headmaster. Brian Cullen is only too happy to interview Emerson Dicket.
BC: Emerson, how does it feel to be headmaster of Hogwarts?
ED: It’s just wonderful! I mean, I’ve always loved being a teacher. So being in charge of a school is bliss.
BC: What about the administrative tasks?
ED: Oh well, you’ve got drawbacks, admittedly. But our current Minister, Kingsley Shacklebolt, is fairly understanding. Unlike his predecessors, he lets us have some more freedom in governing the school.
BC: Freedom is of course something 		Hogwarts has been craving for for a long time now. How does it show?
ED: For one thing, we can choose our staff without the Ministry interfering. This is something which my great predecessor Albus Dumbledore fought for – not always successfully. So we were able to come up with some pretty ingenious solutions.
BC: Such as?
ED: Ogden Worthy-James. You know he’s been a fairly successful Quidditch player, a real pro, but because of his allegiance to the Order of the Phoenix he lost his job.
BC: And so you asked him to take up teaching. Good idea!
ED: Thank you. Ogden as Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher does a great job. So does Hengist (Alret, eds.) for Muggle Studies. We couldn’t find anyone better suited for that – he’s an expert!

BC: Small wonder! He’s Muggle-born. Emerson, what do you like most in teaching?
ED: Seeing the children grow up. Okay, you get those awful teenage years, but didn’t we all go through those years?
BC: I suppose so. I remember I was a pain in the proverbial.
ED: This might just be the wrong tense in use here…
BC: What was that? Anyway, what is your philosophy to lead you through your term of office?
ED: Oh, that is easy. My philosophy is that students are treasures to keep. You have to cherish them, but never forget that they are individuals.
BC: That is a wonderful thought. Emerson, we thank you for taking the time to talk to us.
ED: It’s a pleasure, Brian.
(BC)

Travelling Tales

(Edinburgh) Once again - and, they threatened, not for the last time - Mike Flatley and Brian Cullen set out on a trip exploring the world, specifically the Muggle World. This time they had vowed to neither go by car (too difficult to erase all hints of accidents) nor by train (too boring and too dangerous at once), but fly. Let's see what their experiences are, for we won't escape them anyway.
Edinburgh - here we are! This, clearly, is not only a magical city but also the one city where broom has to go. That is, after our planned offices in London and Oxford really hit it off. Look, there's a borough called "broomhouse" already, they'll only have to revise spelling a little.
Anyway, arriving in this seaside city was rather unusual by wizard's standards. Yes, we flew there, but not on our brooms (nor on our magic carpets, dear Ministry!). We took a plane. (For details on planes check our Brush Up Your Idiots section.)
Muggles are really worked up about security, but they won't search you for your wand. They only try to find metallic accessories. Oh, and liquids, so don't pack any potions unless it's just 100 mills

  and is in a translucent bottle in a re-sealable plastic bag. Weird, isn't it? Trainers seemed to be quite dangerous, too, although we don't know why. Perhaps it's the offensive smell, but why take them off then?
Everyone had to walk through a foe detector which beeped when someone seemed suspicious. Needless to say we passed - crap detector, we had our wands, we could have cursed the whole place. (Note to Death Eaters: Don't try it, the Ministry knows!)
There's a maze leading to the exit onto the runway where the plane and the crew awaited us. We were taught by crude sign language how to behave in case of an emergency. So if we got it right we have to wave wildly in all directions if the plane crashes, then we have to drop a plastic cup from the ceiling, pull it and press it on our face. Lastly we have to wear ridiculous air-filled yellow rubber-ducky vests which blink when you touch water. Honestly, we'd have noticed without blinking if we hit water. Luckily, nothing happened, Brian would have looked ridiculous in yellow. Flying in a plane is boring, but at least you don't get wet in the clouds.		  After landing, we hopped into a Muggle shuttle bus and were brought to our Muggle apartment house. Instead of using magic we went to a Muggle shop to fetch food, as we didn't want to get in trouble with the Ministry on our first day of the holidays. After that we went for a walk and cursed some ducks. Good fun!
(In the course of cursing no animal was hurt, only a Muggle or two.)

This is the canal where the cursed ducks live. Photo: KS

What happened on our second day will appear in the next edition of broom! (BC&MF)

broom's Best Bad Boy Board

Left with a degree of a Muggle university and a failed magical exam in Advanced Muggle Studies, Roland Banks had to re-think his future.
Had he once thought of entering the Ministry, he was now left without a chance in that area. But what should he do now? There was, as he had been told countless times, nothing he could do. He was neither a good charmer, nor good at potions-brewing. He hated animals and he was too shy to talk to people. This, of course, ruled out most jobs even someone without any magical academic credits could do.
The one thing he could do was to return home. Elvira and Wunibald were glad to have their Roland back, if only because Wunibald had heard strange rumours and was eager to have them confirmed. After all, hadn’t young Roland recently been at the Ministry?
So the first questions Roland was submitted to were not about his years from home, but about the strange rumours of an escaped former Death Eater named Sirius Black. Roland of course had absolutely no idea about that.		 However, he did have an idea of how to get information. He first wrote a letter to Sebastian Cook, thinking that he was more likely to answer back than Ramon. Although Roland was not the best in realizing things, he did know that Ramon Vargas had been a fair weather friend at best. Sebastian, though, had no idea about Sirius Black and chances of rescuing more important Death Eaters from Azkaban either. Roland succumbed to the necessity of contacting Vargas.
He did get an answer, perhaps not the kindest one, but an answer after all. Ramon informed Roland that, whatever Ministry and Daily Profit said, Sirius Black had never been a Death Eater and yes, he had escaped the wizarding prison. Nobody had any idea how he could have managed that. So Wunibald had to put his idea of gaining eternal glory in opening Azkaban’s doors for the Dark Lord’s most fervent followers on ice until there came better times.
Since we all know that those better times did come, we will report on the Banks’ attempts to gain glory in our next edition.

The Lost Sandals

Having been students at the right noble Wogharts ourselves we never truly lost our contact to the school, students and staff. And so it happened that it couldn’t pass our knowledge that the witches’ world famous Parry Hotter one day set out to seek his fortunes in the old holes of the castle.
Not having known of his magic ancestors Parry was quite hit by surprise when the Quarter-Dwarf Raghid literally dropped in his foster-parents’ house.
That should teach you a lesson gummles all better open your mail. Wogharts’ peduty madhistress GagMonagall had announced the arrival of Raghid due to the failure to open any of the previously sent letters.
Not thinking much Raghid packed the young boy and took him to Angle Alley to buy all the things a wizard’s heart can 		have nightmares about. Later on he got to know platform 8 7/4 where he felt quite lost after the loss of Raghid. Luckily enough he collided with the Peasley family, was helped by them and shown the entrance to the secret platform hiding behind a lantern on Victoria station.
The very next thing he encountered were the realities of life. Due to stress and exhaustion Mrs. Peasley had indicated the wrong lantern to him and therefore he caused a major crash involving his pet-troll and suite-case wagon.
Having passed the right lantern and finally seen the light at the end of the tunnel, Parry had almost reached the train. That was when he noticed that his luggage including his pet-troll and his sandals were still in the gummle world. He returned to fetch it – all but his sandals – and nearly missed the train. But since 		 the driver is used to students and their being late almost all of the time Parry still had some two minutes to get himself and his stuff on the train. To cut a short speech long he managed to do so. The train was already rolling when Parry returned. One door – as usual – was left open. He threw his luggage inside and grabbed himself by the collar, took a nice swing and tossed himself right into the wagon wall.
He clutched to it and worked his way to the open door. The guard arrived and urged Parry to hurry up or else he would close the door without him on board. As we informed you before he made it.
In the next edition we will learn how Parry faired on the train. You will meet interesting people and again you will deal with the question: Why didn’t I bring my sandals.

Crossword Puzzle









2 
 
 XI
1 
 
 
 V










3 
 
 
 
 









4 
 
 
 
 
 
 X
 







5 
 
 
 VIII
 










6 I
 
 
 
 











7 
 
 
 
 
 








8 
 II
 
 
 
 VII
 III





9 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 







10 IX
 
 
 IV
 
 
 
 












11 
 VI
 
 

Across
2 longer trip
3 not even to worry
4 written duty
5 place you stay
6 sand
7 place to visit
8 some people go to a ... country
9 no work
10 thing to bring back home
11 things to tell
 

Down
1 place where you eat

 

The looked for phrase:

____ ____ ____    ____ ____ ____ ____ ____ ____,  ____ ____ ____ ____ ____ ____ ____!


I    II   III     IV   II   V    VI   VII  VIII    IX   VIII  IV   VIII X    XI   IX

What Size Is Your...?

(Wizarding World) Violet Vainglory was so glad about her last excursion into the nightly fashion of the famous and infamous that she decided to immediately tackle underwear next. Here’s what she found out (and we won’t ask how!):

It wasn’t easy to find out about what people wear under their robes – but luckily there’s a nice funny spell to succeed in getting an exclusive glimpse at the underwear of everyone you look at. Who wants to know the spell can contact me at broom, but unfortunately the spell must not be revealed to people under 25. Sorry folks. Since the nightwear was such a successful report, I decided to play my old cards and start with Cornelius Fudge. It was a surprise to me to find that he wears not only pinstriped strings, but also silk stockings. Who would have ever thought of that? Now, don’t suppose he is into cross-dressing. No, no, those silk stockings resemble those worn at the royal courts of the 18th century. One begins to wonder if the fabric might be an old family heirloom.
Rufus Scrimgeour likes his white cotton. He’s actually the most boring man concerning underwear I’ve ever met – and I’ve met some men in my time, believe me. Surprisingly enough even

Severus Snape easily is more exciting than Scrimgeour. Snape wears (may we safely assume this to be due to the influence of Patience Wood?) black, alright, but tight black shorts. Looks quite good, after all.
His beloved, though pretty behind her time in nightwear, has a considerable amount of fascinating underwear ranging from plain to absolutely gorgeous lace and silk – here you are, men of the Wizarding World, if you’re lucky you can use the little spell and find a Moon Child all in satin string and push-up bra.
Rita Skeeter of course uses her bras to increase the volume of her décolleté. In colour, they match her robes. Which means: they’re either shockingly pink or green or orange or… You get my meaning. As to knickers, well, I couldn’t make out if she habitually wears none or if this was just one of the days she didn’t want to wear some. Maybe she takes her cues from the world of Muggle pop music, who knows.
Albus Dumbledore’s underwear is sacred and a secret and therefore not to be talked of. However, let me just say this: It becomes his age and figure. Perhaps it shouldn’t be striped in the Gryffindor colours… Oops! Sorry.
Dolores Umbridge needs supporting bras to keep up her décolleté in a decent way, and her knickers are more like drawers.

You know the kind old women and women with a belly huge enough to need a tent to cover it wear? That’s Umbridge’s style. Let’s close our eyes and shudder in deep disgust.
As you might already have guessed, it’s no go with Minerva McGonagall. But maybe we can conclude that her underwear is red and green and nice warm flannel? After all, Scotland is a cold country, especially in the winter. Or maybe she’s just as brave as the Highlanders are thought to be – you know what I mean.
Mike Flatley, sorry to say, has no taste at all concerning underwear. Or maybe this is the crooked sense of humour his girlfriend sometimes shows, for which man would get the idea of buying himself boxer shorts with comic figures printed all over them? Really a no-no.
Brian Cullen, on the contrary, has a hand for style unrivalled in any man alive and walking this earth – except perhaps Robbie Williams. He wears what models wear – tight shorts, perfectly modelling his body. It’s a treat to get a glimpse at an undressed Brian, believe yours faithfully!
Now we have certainly satisfied our voyeuristic needs. Hopefully you have drawn your own conclusions on what is style and what is just a laugh!
(VV)

Disclaimer: All names, characters and places are property of J.K. Rowling and Warner bros., except of those not found in the "Harry Potter" books and movies which belong to Ulrike Friedrich and Kirsten Seelbach. No financial and/or commercial gain is intended.