broom Breaking News
| (Our Office) As it is usual the case with magazines,
broom brings the news from our office into the world, however, the last
couple of weeks it turned out to be the other way round. Countless bags of greeting cards floated into our headquarters (thanks Patience), enormous bunches of flowers filled the air with a sweet scent (thanks Anne), whole arsenals of birthday crackers were stored on our tables (thanks Hengist), tons of birthday cakes were put up in piles in here (thanks Hagrid) and plenty of bottles of delicious poison filled our glasses (thanks |
Severus). If you happen to have missed our fourth birthday which is happening – well, actually right now – there is still loads of time to wrap a gift or present, put our address on it and hand it over into the faithful claws of the next best owl. If unsure what to best give to us, money always comes in handy. As a thanks we will send you a chunk of Hagrid’s cake which is reacting in an interesting way with Severus’ poison. If you have a cracker at hand you can always blast the cake into pieces. It also makes a nice firework… (BC&MF) |
| (Hogsmeade) After a long terrible time of weary waiting,
there they are: the amazing adventures of the Malignant Magpies at ominous
Oxford, part II! Join Hengist, Anne and Patience in their raucous roaming along the cool college of Christ Church and watch out for funny |
Roland Banks! Meet new friends and our future Minister for Magic, Arsenio Crumlum. By the way, please send a lot of letters to the menacing Ministry and make them see rare reason to actually appoint Arsenio! Pius Thicknesse sucks! Resistance Rocks! (BC&MF) |
|
(Muggle
World) It is a truth that men, Muggles or wizards, will be beasts in certain
areas of life. They act abysmally like perfect pigs in beleaguered
bathrooms. Among the horrible habits are not closing the toilet lid, forgetting to close the toothpaste tube and, verily worst of all, wearily wee not into, but next to, the toilet bowl. An ingenious inventor now |
had an ideal idea to keep men from saucily soiling the brilliant bathrooms: He simply put a plastic fly into the bowls of toilets and urinals. It turned out that men are so perfectly primitive they begin to "hunt" the fly and aimed at the toy target, thus minimizing the mess. Men really are disgusting dudes at times! (ALL) |
broom-e-gram
| June 2 Would you believe it? Everybody is thinking about
soccer and nobody pays attention to what is happening! June 8 Still everybody watches soccer – but we see the signs. The Ministry is being controlled more and more. That’s not only because we’ve been raided yet again – we really get used to it. No, there are more signs. If you’re afraid, please do check our magical pedigrees! June 14 We’ve been told that the ministry actually torture people who they think are just not pure-blood enough to survive. It’s only a matter of time, we fear, until there will be open terror. Someone help us stop the madness! June 22 Of course, it had to happen. We’ve been sent out of our headquarters by force. Owls still reach us, direct them either |
to Brian
Cullen or Mike Flatley in person. We cannot tell you where we are. We’re
safe, though. June 28 This is for all those who are harassed, threatened and persecuted by the Ministry and/ or Death Eaters: Come to us! Say the word and you can come here. Here’s the password to Apparate, but rest assured, all you spies out there, you’re tabbed: Firewhiskey. June 30 As we feel it is our duty to keep up the Resistance Rocks campaign with all means accessible to us, we joined forces with PotterWatch, your radio station broadcasting nothing but the truth. River and yours truly are working to help you out there. Keep your spirits up, folks! |
| (The World) Who would have ever thought that two more
or less talented wizards set out and conquer the world? And who would have
ever thought that the world literally means the world as not only witches
and wizards are doing almost anything to get a copy of our monthly edition
but also Muggles switch on any button in order to be able to read a copy of
broom? Who would have ever thought that this hysteria is brought about by only two men, wizards of course – and helped by an army of reporters, two slaves and last but not least Geronimo, their faithful printer? And who would have ever thought that these two wizards are Brian Cullen and Mike Flatley – little promising at school but loyal friends as they were? Who would have ever thought that Muggles care about the magical world and vice versa? And who would have ever thought that news of both worlds gets mixed and is spread equally over the readers? Who would have ever thought that the magazine which appears monthly turns four years old? And who would have ever thought that these last four years have seen us suffer, countless raids almost put us off our task, sweat and tears paved our way, but that there was even more joy, luck and happiness? |
Who would have ever thought that our friendship is stronger than failure,
mistrust and pain? And who would have ever thought that it is growing
stronger in the worst of times and fonder in the best of days? Who would have ever thought that we learned so much? Who would have ever thought that we gathered facts about both worlds, found out about a third one, the world of media where ink can turn into poison? And who would have ever thought that we learned this much about ourselves? Who would have ever thought that we are able to publish, edit and write a monthly magazine? Who would have ever thought that none we ever met would have ever given us credit for such a project? And who would have ever thought that we weren’t so sure ourselves? Who would have ever thought that we can grow larger than life? And who would have ever thought that you can do the same? Take a look at us. Do you really think there is anything you cannot achieve? We don’t think so! And this is our present for you. We put faith and trust in you and your ideas. There is plenty of success to be gathered out there, go and get your piece of it! Happy birthday! (ALL) |
| (Near Ottery St. Catchpole) In a small, crooked house lives a wizard whose profession is the same as Mike Flatley’s, who went there to interview him. Xenophilius Lovegood is the editor of the Quibbler, the first newspaper to speak the truth until broom came up. Read what Xeno is telling us about being the first to recognise certain truths. MF: Xeno, dear colleague, how are you? XL: Thank you, Mike, I am quite well. I hope you had no troubles from the series of spy rays which went down on Hogsmeade last night. MF: Spy rays? I didn’t see a thing. XP: You wouldn’t. The Ministry have adopted Muggle means to spy on all our activities, and since you have been known to make history – you overthrew the Fudge-government single-handedly – they watch you especially. MF: Perhaps you are right, Xeno. There is nothing like resistance to draw attention to yourself. You know what I mean, don’t you? XL: Yes, indeed. It was a hard time, writing about what I definitely believe and know to be the truth and to be scorned by all wizardkind. MF: Your published theories included that Sirius Black was in fact singer Stubby Boardman, that runes hold a |
secret code to solve the world
riddle and that certain plants are infested with parasites which can kill
the unaware victim. XL: And all of that is certainly true. I still cannot see why people didn’t realize at once that Sirius Black could not be who the ministry supposed him to be. A criminal on the run, indeed1 And it was proved that he was innocent after all. MF: Yes, but not in the way you wrote. XP: That doesn’t matter. Truth will out in the end. You will see, soon school books will include chapters on nargles and warn students from decorating the halls with mistletoe. And of course the world riddle will be solved very soon. The secret codes included in ancient rune inscriptions are fascinating. Loads of wizards and witches are deciphering the codes while we are talking here. MF: I cannot wait to read about that. Xeno, how do you explain the sudden turn the Quibbler’s journalism took when you were threatened with the death of your only child Luna? XL: I was blackmailed into subduing all my beliefs and to withhold the truth for Luna’s sake. Little did I know that she was held captive by Lucius Malfoy, but then – you at broom also suffered pressure, didn’t you? MF: Massive pressure indeed, for the |
Death Eaters had our offices
raided a lot of times. They finally destroyed the headquarters. We went into
hiding and kept calling for resistance. |
broom's Best Bad Boy Board
| Roland Banks, not very talented wizard and on a
kind of probation to learn how to deal with Muggles in a decent way, found
that he rather liked Oxford after a while. Although his academic merits remained sub-standard, he found that living on his own in a small one bedroom flat just off High Street was not a bad thing at all. For the very first time in his life, Roland was completely on his own, with nobody to compete with in his native magical world. Plus, he wasn’t underage, sot he Ministry could not tab him doing magic in Oxford – or so he thought. It is still a bit of a mystery how Roland managed without magic. The Malignant Magpies certainly had to endure many a visit by Professor Dicket and even face the Ministry. Not so, apparently, Roland. There are two versions of why he got away so unscathed from his experience of doing hidden magic. 1. He really didn’t do any magic at all. Not being a very good wizard anyway he was quite glad to pack away his wand and rest for some years. Besides, one of the first students ever to attend the Muggle relations Project was Daniel Rutherford who indeed turned Muggle. No, we’re not joking: Daniel gave his wand to the ministry, married a Muggle fellow student and had some kids. Unfortunately, his willingness to embrace Muggle life brought him into the focus of some cruel Death Eaters and he and his family were murdered lately. 2. Roland was able to conceal his doing magic. That means not |
only that
Roland was able to do real, working spells, but also break the tab set by
Emerson Dicket on his flat and somehow dodge the Ministry alerts turned to
red alert over Oxford ever since the project was started. It is a very
unlikely thing, unless Roland had help form his external brains Ramon Vargas
or from those who later on became his cronies: the Death Eaters who were
still running free at that time because nobody could convict them of any
crime. Personally, we favour a third version, based on our thorough knowledge of Banks' magical abilities: The Ministry just could not see that what Roland did was actually supposed to be magic. So they did not think it worthwhile to pursue any magic done in Roland’s flat for the magic done there was so inexpertly done it could even have been a Muggle who had accidentally stumbled over a real book of magic which are hidden in the Bodleian Library as everyone knows. Usually a special magical librarian keeps a sharp eye out for these, but occasionally Muggles have been known to manage to get their hands onto one. In the Middle Ages, people were burnt. Today, the Ministry officials are alerted, watch amused how the Muggles fail, and leave it at that. This, we conclude, is what happened to Roland. What our dear Banks boy did after the Magpies left Oxford for Hogwarts and Romania respectively you will read in the next edition of broom! |
The Moon Over Wogharts
| It was a hard evening for poor Carolyn. After the maid
had woken up from her temporary unconsciousness, she found a man staring
down at her. “What happened?” he asked. “Who are you?” Carolyn asked shakily.
“My name’s Asher Devereux. I think I am your mistress’ fiancé,” Asher
replied. “Where… My mistress!” Carolyn shouted and tried to sit up, but the
pounding in her head was so strong she sank back with a groan. “Your
mistress? Ah yes. Mr MacFee, the pirate, and the Harbour Master have gone
after her and Mr Boyens,” Devereux explained. “I stayed behind to see that
you were alright.” “I am, but I want to see my mistress. Quick!” Carolyn
urged. Asher smiled. “Noble thought, dear lady, but you cannot go. You will
break down. Come, I shall assist you onto a chair.” So poor Carolyn had to
stay behind and only afterwards got to know what happened. She missed quite a lot. In his mad flight, Richard Boyens had dragged Patricia towards the harbour, where he thought he’d find a captain willing to marry them. The waiting priest had fled, afraid of the threats Richard had shouted at him. So a captain on a ship was the last option. Little did Richard know that his flight had been detected only moments afterwards, because Lieutenant Roach had been |
going to see Patricia and Carolyn anyway. He had ducked
into the shadows when the mad merchant ran past. Then he had hurried to the
house, raised the alarm and was soon joined by Sean MacFee, Asher Devereux
and Quinn Dashiell. From there, they had pursued the abductor. Sean had taken a horse out of the Shaughnessy stables and ridden down to the harbour again where he had talked Captain Morton of the Lavish Lady into helping him. Only when a panting Quinn Dashiell had appeared, shouting it was alright, had the captain complied with the pirate’s wishes. “Quinn, you owe me one,” Morton had told his friend who hadn’t been able to answer for lack of breath. They had been just in time. Having been turned down by all the other captains in the harbour, Richard tried his luck with the Lavish Lady. It was grim joke that he needed to turn to the ship he had so dearly wished to see sunk to the sea’s bottom. But Morton played his role very well. He greeted the master of Shaughnessy House politely and asked him to come aboard, smiling graciously at Patricia who was fighting teeth and nails to get free. “Marry us, Morton, and quick!” Richard bellowed. “The lady doesn’t seem very willing,” Morton remarked. “The lady |
doesn’t want to!” Patricia shouted. “Hold your tongue,
woman! She’s just afraid, her being a virgin and all,” Richard dismissed her
words. “I cannot marry you two when the lady is so obviously distressed,”
Morton insisted. “Yes, you can. Is that convincingly enough?” Suddenly
Richard brandished a pistol at Morton who raised his eyebrow. “Quite enough.
Quinn, did you see and hear all?” “Yes,” said Dashiell and came out of his hiding place. “You, Mr Boyens, are arrested. I advise you to give us a full statement of your doings.” Boyens laughed madly. “I cannot tell what you don’t want to hear!” he raised the pistol to his temples, but Sean was faster and wrenched it off the mad man. A shot rang through the night. Shouts answered, but Dashiell’s voice boomed through the harbour, reassuring them that the situation was under control. “You believe this pirate more than a respectable merchant?” Richard asked incredulously. Dashiell shrugged. “Deeds speak more than words,” he said. Richard was led away by two soldiers. “And you, Mr MacFee, will have to be a witness at the trial. First bring the lady home. I am sure the trial will be very… unusual,” Dashiell smiled. Sean nodded and turned to the quietly sobbing Patricia. “Come, my dear. We shall go home.” |
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I II III III IV V VI VII VIII IX X X XI XII XI II XIII X ____ ____ ____P____ ____ ____ ____ ____ ____ ____ ____ ____ ____ ____ ____ ____ ____ ____
X VIII VII XI XIV III II VI XV X I XV II V VI XVI VII XVII ____ ____ ____ ____ ____ ____!
XVIII XV X VI XI X
G’statten S‘, Rolf Rattenhuber
| In Austria With A Native It’s summer again, and as the faithful readers knows, we enjoy nothing better than travelling to exotic places and meet natives. This summer is full of fanciful trips, and the first brought us into the land of trolls and breeding Dementors: Alpine Austria! Once again we decided to give it a try and travel in Muggle incognito. A pity, because we’d just bought the coolest Persian flying rug – but it might be a bit of a giveaway to arrive on that. Apparition was out of the question as well. Trains, too – we’ve been travelling by train so often we’re heartily sick of it. So we chose to go by bus. This, however, was not funny. Spending a day on a bus, albeit the Muggle version so it doesn’t jump from Wales to London is not as good as it sounds. It’s boring, your legs get all stiff and when you go through narrow mountain streets you fear for your life! Anyway, we somehow arrived safely in our hotel, where we’d got a nice room. At least something, for it’s cold here, outside and inside. The ice from the mountains must have been infectious. Once there, we were met by a friendly native wearing a costume of lederhosen and a hat with a shaving brush stuck into it. “G’statten S’, Rattenhuber der Name, Rolf Rattenhuber!” said this creature in its unintelligible native tongue. “Pardon?” we asked, totally puzzled. “G’statten S’, Rolf Rattenhuber!” the native repeated in a slow, loud tone. Obviously he thought we were deaf, senile, or both. A stroke of |
genius made us see that this curious character only trie to introduce himself to us. So we nodded, smiled and said: “Pleased to meet you!” Unsurprisingly, this puzzled our Austrian acquaintance just as much as his words had puzzled us. |
was shut, blocked by snow and ice. Apparently there had been a cave-in. We turned around and hoped we could have a nice cup of tea and go home again. But not with Rolf! |
Quidditch Is Coming Home
| Fred and George Weasley thought it was a really important thing to teach our readers a fan song which is very popular in any Quidditch match involving the English national team. We here at broom quite agree and are proud to present you the song of songs: I think it's bad news for the English game/ We're not creative enough, and we're not positive enough Chorus: It's coming home/ It's coming home/ It's coming/ Quidditch's coming home... (We'll go on getting bad results, getting bad results..) Sing Chorus 3 times 1. Everyone seems to know the score/ They've seen it all before / They just know/ They're so sure/ That England's Gonna throw it away/ Gonna blow it away/ But I know they can play/ 'Cause I remember... Three wasps on a shirt / Ludo was still gleaming/ Thirty years of |
hurt/ Never stopped me dreaming 2. So many jokes, so many sneers/ But all those oh-so-nears/ Wear you down/ Through the years/ But I still see that tackle by Wood/ And when Gwenog Jones scored/ Jenkins belting the ball/ And wizards dancing Three wasps on a shirt/ Ludo was still gleaming/ Thirty years of hurt/ Never stopped me dreaming (England have done it, in the last minute of extra time)/ (What a save, good old England, England who couldn't play Quidditch, England have got it in the bag ) I know that was then/ But it could be again Sing Chorus 2 times (England have done it) Sing Chorus 3 times Quidditch 's coming home/ Three wasps on a shirt/ Ludo was still gleaming/ Thirty years of hurt/ Never stopped me dreaming |