broom Breaking News

   Dashing Death Eaters Daringly Dive into Journalism

(broom’s rooms) Recently a rash riot raucously ran over the real rooms of rare broom. Eleven dozens of Death Eaters elegantly did attack the dreamy apartment of the dozing editors. Moaning Mike and boring Brian were maliciously brought down by mean boys and brilliant maids.
This monthly magazine meanwhile must merely make many millions of mild mentions to mentally make miserable mankind kind. This awful article artificially announces the awaited arrival of other authors. Brave broom belatedly begins to publicly present broom BREAKING NEWS purely covering carefully chosen pieces of clear comments and nice news.
Neither naughty Brian nor knightly Mike naturally need to now nervously know what new news will be named next. Evil

editors, especially Ebony and Avery, eloquently exert the excellent exercise of economically editing this manifold magazine.
Some small things will cheerfully change: Nice BBNs will notoriously bring bright news covering carefully the quick coming of You Know Who. Real reports righteously will write about rare realities in the rich ranks of the Death Eaters. Intense interviews will intimately interrogate the incomparable He Who Must Not Be Named. Chaotic Editor’s Corner will eventually cover chosen events that easily come out of our objective opinions.

Resistance rocks no more, the new war cry will be: Voldemort wins! (E&A)

 

                            Mean Muggle Menace Made Magnificently Murky

(Manchester) Many Muggles were menaced and made to mix up mean poisonous potions to devour and drink and dreadfully died in midnight-dark Manchester on Monday.
The divine deed was artfully accomplished by a dozen Death Eaters in awed allegiance to our lovely Lord Voldemort who 		ruthlessly reigns over all of us. Muggle-baiting, especially something as murky and mean as this piece of menace, means the most to vicious Voldemort, as we all naturally know. So all who read this, feel free to follow the elating example and start menacing Muggles by all means! (MF)

Anxious April Awaitedly Arrives At Last

Some thousands of sane citizens solely sat to see for themselves that the spring starter surely saw to the sudden start of the sunny season. Punctually, poor people publicly placed themselves to take part in the periodical performance of popular April taking place. This young year yawns because of the yellow Yuletide and yearns for yelling youngsters joyously jogging through youthful yards. Season scientists certainly see that seldom spring has started. Collaboratingly, concealed climate calculators carefully call the coming quarter calm

concentration of quite quiet coolness. Whatever wild view you willingly vote for, vividly wait for warm weather to warmly welcome you. Bold broom bilingually believes in boring broadcasts of bothered bringers of bad news. Naturally, no one necessarily needs a new news note noting next week’s wet weather, while willing writers welcomely write whole week’s wishlists of wished for weather. Brilliant broom brushes away this bare back room boys’ babbling.
(ALL)

broom-e-gram

March 5 Something will happen this month. The stars say it -- says Firenze the Centaur. Besides, the month is dedicated to Mars, and as we know: Mars is bright is akin to there's going to be trouble!
March 6 Yes, yes, centaurs have a funny sense of humour. Seems as if Firenze made us hide all our documents for fun.
March 9 Okay, so we've had another owl today announcing a Ministry raid. So what?
March 12 This raid was thorough, Merlin's beard, they even searched our drawers. Even the one with Brian's underwear in it!!!
March 13 We're done. This time, the Ministry decided to lock us into their special cells down in the cellar next to courtroom 10. You know the one.
March 17 We signed a document, but didn't read its contents.		  Anyway, Minister Thicknesse promised we'd get two (!) new slaves to write for us. Cool! And no prison.
March 20 We wonder what exactly we'd signed there at the Ministry. One of the new slaves, a certain Quincey Thomas, turned up and began telling us - no, boasting about - his doings as a Death Eater. Help!!!
March 23 Easter Sunday: Easteregghunt!
March 24 Easter Monday, actually. But the Easter bunny brought us no good. We received an official license to go on with broom in the officially acknowledged way.
March 25 We changed our logo and looks.
March 30 The new Death Eater broom is ready, and we are part of their empire. Finally we have realized the error of our ways!
VOLDEMORT WINS!!!!

“Revolution, Revenge and Reward!”

(Somewhere Hidden) Believe it or not but your new broom managed to get an exclusive interview with He Who Must Not Be Named. Read and adore!

broom: Lord Voldemort, after a long absence, you return to the political stage of Great Britain and indeed the world. Do you have some prepared steps you want to take?
LV: Revolution, revenge and reward!
broom: The revolution has obviously already started.
LV: Old Death Eaters have been called for.
broom: New Death Eaters have been recruited.
LV: Innocent passers by have been put under the Imperius Curse.
broom: An army of Death Eaters has been formed.
LV: The Ministry of Magic has been infiltrated.
broom: What are the Death Eaters to expect next?
LV: All non-Death Eaters, half- and quarter-bloods, Muggle-borns and

Squibs will mysteriously disappear.
broom: Is that the revenge you have been talking of?
LV: No, those who will have to face a special treatment are not to be killed immediately.
broom: They are to be spared?
LV: No, not really. Their special treatment will include physical and psychological torture. In the end they will beg to be killed and that’s the point when they will be tortured a bit more. Only when we grow tired of this spare time activity, we will kill them.
broom: So, revenge is definitely something to look forward to. What follows? The reward?
LV: No, not just yet. First I will seize total control of the whole country.
broom: Which office will you take over? Prime Minister, King,…
LV: Dictator. I think that the time for a weak authoritative government is over. Great Britain doesn’t need anyone to rule, but someone to dictate. And I’ve never really believed in democracy anyway.
broom: But after you’ve become		  dictator, you will reward the Death Eaters, won’t you?
LV: Yes, those who are left and proved especially valuable and reliable.
broom: How will they be rewarded? Will you offer treasures and fortunes to them or make them part of your government?
LV: No, neither of these. I will just not kill them for the moment.
broom: Well, that actually doesn’t sound much…
LV: I’d say life is much.
broom: Yes, of course. But won’t you need a successor?
LV: What for?
broom: Well, to succeed you…
LV: My horcruxes will prevent my untimely complete death. And anyway, once I’ve become dictator, I’ll get some professional wizard to create the philosopher’s stone for me.

This left our reporter speechless. As usual we’d like to thank our interviewee for taking the time to talk so patiently about his concerns and we’d like to add our wish for many happy returns! (ALL)

broom's Best Bad Boy Board

We left our anti-hero in dire straits in the last edition of broom. Being constantly harassed by his fellow students and being considered nearly a Squib by his teachers, Roland Banks did not really have the time of his life at Hogwarts School.
However, even the absolute losers will find some light in their darkness. Roland’s light was his friendship with Sebastian Cook and Ramon Vargas. Even if a lot of evil was directed to this trio, they were quite able to retaliate. Ramon managed to keep getting his own back. Whenever the Magpies (or us, the best editors in the world) hit target, we could be sure to be paid back.
One of these battles almost ended in tragedy. (Warning: Parents should not let their children read on without guidance! Danger!) Ramon Vargas thought himself very clever – and we grudgingly have to admit, he is – and decided that it was time to show his cleverness in a more spectacular way than ever. He challenged Patience Wood for a wizard’s duel. Now, as everyone knows, duels have been forbidden by headmasters 		of Hogwarts ever since a tragic event in 1239 when a student got killed by an early version of the Killing Curse, as can be read in Hogwarts: A History. Duels are also not quite legal outside school, but the last months showed quite clearly how important it is to practise one’s duelling skills in earnest.
Be that as it may, Ramon challenged, and Patience accepted. They did duel, and Roland nearly got caught by a backfiring Mirror Spell. (To remind those who weren’t present at the Battle of Hogwarts: The Mirror Spell was the spell that effectively killed Amycus Carrow.) For any thinking witch or wizard, such a near-death experience would be a revelation to one’s life and aims. Not so for Roland. He fumed, swore to take revenge, and put a dish of dead flobberworms into Patience’s cauldron in the next potions lesson. Needless to say, this poor revenge did not effect the fear and awe Roland wanted to inspire.
How he managed to scrape his N.E.W.T.s and why Professor Emerson Dicket wanted Roland to study will be revealed in the next edition.

Gilderoy Lockhart to Be New Advisor for Defence Against the Dark Arts

(The Government) William MacBoon, spokesman of Pius Thicknesse, current Minister of Magic, announced yesterday that Gilderoy Lockhart is to become the new advisor for Defence Against the Dark Arts. Though the present government claimed that there is no need to fear the dark forces, Lockhart was employed “to meet the fears of the people”. William MacBoon declared that there would be no uprising of dark wizards. The ordinary witch or wizard wouldn’t have to fear anything. The Ministry promised to do anything in its power to protect half- and quarter-bloods, Muggle-borns and Squibs. “Naturally,” said MacBoon, “we’ll have to register those who are in special need of our help first.”
Gilderoy Lockhart, former Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher at Hogwarts and proved fraud, will take over the job of Advisor to the Ministry in Anything Dark on April, 1st. His job will be to advise the Ministry on anything  connected to the Dark Arts whenever he is asked to do so.
Mr. Lockhart whose current residence lies within the walls of St. Mungo’s Hospital will not move into one of the Ministry flats located in London. He’ll neither get his own office at the Ministry since “there won’t be the need of a permanent presence” as MacBoon put it.
Lockhart, author of books like Voyages with Vampires and ex- member of the 		former boyband MilliVanilli, “hopes to be able to keep up his quiet life,” says Glenda Lockhart, wife of the new Advisor. “Of course, it is an honour to be offered such a position,” she adds.
Lockhart, best performer of the Memory Charm 1990, 1991 and 1993, will not change his life much. “The centre of my life will remain here in St. Mungo’s and naturally, I will keep up my regular visits to my wife and son,” says Ronald Umfraville, head-healer at St. Mungo’s Closed Ward.
Though broom isn’t quite sure that Gilderoy Lockhart can meet the needs of the people, we still would like to take the chance to wish him luck – he will need it! (ALL)

Ode to Lord Voldemort
(sung to the German Christmas carol “Oh Ye Happy Christmas Time”)

 
Oh Lord Voldemort, oh Lord Voldemort,
Thou art just what we wizards need!
Scouring all the mud-bloods well
Making life for Muggles hell
Voldemort you are the top
May your dominance never stop!

Sudoku




  

  
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7

    



This is to you, Mr. Snape!


Lost and Found


    

  
  

    
    
Lost: 
    Bald man, approximately in his mid-thirties – but definitely looking older 
    than that. Special features: has no nose and is constantly either 
    tipping his dark mark with his wand or sucking unicorn blood. Last seen: 
    in Little Whinging a couple of  years ago. To be returned to: Peter 
    Pettigrew.

    Lost: Whole bunch of brave, not so brave and scared Death Eaters. 
    Special features: dark mark on left arm. Last seen: in a graveyard in 
    Little Whinging. To be returned to: Tom M. Riddle.

    Lost: Horcrux in the shape of a ring. A golden ring with a green 
    stone. Special features: contains part of the soul of You Know Who 
    and will kill you when you put it on. Last seen: in Little Hangleton.
    To be returned to: Lucius Malfoy.

    Lost: Horcrux in the shape of a locket. Special features:


    

    contains another part of the soul of He Who Must Not Be Named. Last seen: 
    in a basin in a cave at the coast. Might be in the possession of a certain 
    Regulus Black or around the neck of a Ministry worker. To be returned to:
    Severus Snape.

    

    Found: Former Minister called Cornelius Oswald Fudge. Special 
    features: shivering all the time and repeating the words “no not me, 
    please do not kill me”. To be collected at: Lucius Malfoy’s Manor.

    Found: Sock. Special features: smells of Harry Potter. To be 
    collected at: Bellatrix Lestrange’s place.

    Found: rat. Special features: shabby-looking, one claw is missing.
    To be collected at: Ron, you can collect it at Spinner’s End.



Introducing 
“Confessions of an English Death Eater”




  
  

    
    
broom is extremely proud to be finally 
    included in the big empire of media the finest Minister for Magic ever, Pius Thicknesse, has created. This has not only put a stop to the constant 
    harassment we were put under before  we finally took our chance to join the 
    ruling powers, it also opened wholly new channels of information about who 
    is in charge now. Needless to say, we have been eager to grasp at every 
    straw we could  

    
      
reach.

      So we are absolutely elated to announce the fact that one of Lord 
      Voldemort’s Death Eaters, Quincey Thomas, who is right in the inner circle 
      of the closest advisers of the Dark Lord, has agreed to write a new 
      monthly series. He calls it “Confessions of an English Death Eater”, but 
      in fact it will be, as he recently revealed, a guidebook for those seeking 
      access to the ranks of the Death Eaters and willing to become of great 
      service to 

    
      
the Dark Lord. Quincey says that his new series “is 
      going to convince everyone of the purity of our aims and the necessity of 
      ruthlessly clearing out all the mud-bloods and  Squibs from the ranks of wizarding families.” Since broom heartily agrees with this kind of policy 
      (ever since we were asked to join the official media, that is), we were 
      quite happy to give a prominent position to the new series. Look forward 
      to the Confessions, and stay loyal to our Lord Voldemort! (BC)








Disclaimer: All names, characters and places are property of J.K. 
Rowling and Warner bros., except of those not found in the "Harry Potter" books 
and movies which belong to Ulrike Friedrich and Kirsten Seelbach. No financial 
and/or commercial gain is intended.