broom Breaking News
| (Muggle World) Moronic Muggles misunderstood the
poisonous properties of the oil of bitter almonds and began seriously smoking
blossoms of hydrangea. While wizards knew that hydrangea has hallucinogenic properties in its poison, we would never try to taste the flowers. | It is dreadfully dangerous, you might drop dead divulging leaves, blossoms or smoke of hallucinogenic hydrangea. There is a real reason for not smoking several sinister plants – anyway smoking is stupid! So stop smoking, and especially evade hallucinogenic hydrangea! (ALL) |
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(Muggle Movies) Yes, it is the terrible truth – we did it again – we sent
someone to warily watch a Muggle movie. But how could we help it? Violet
Vainglory reveals the rumours: | Ron Weasley on his hairy head. Hum. Perhaps the potions professor prefers Ron’s old fine fashion of haircut to his hoodlum cut of nowadays. Anne always acidly says rightfully Ron should hurry to a hairdresser’s. broom brightly assists the assignment and advises Severus Snape to hit Ron hard – make him go and see a hype-hairdresser! (VV) |
broom-e-gram
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October 3 Germany celebrates its national holiday. Mhm. Must be strange,
a whole country going on holiday simultaneously... October 6 How thick can you get? Mundungus Fletcher was caught selling stolen goblin-wrought silver. I say! He's done so much more, it's ridiculous he got caught for petty thievery. October 7 Somebody told us that the great Muggle gangster, Mafia-boss and killer Al Capone got caught for not paying his taxes. Muggles! But what's the Mafia? October 10 Ah - now we are enlightened, the mafia is a kind of Death Eater-thingy in the Muggle world, people bullying, threatening, blackmailing others. |
October 20 We wrote a letter to our great malefactor Lucius Malfoy to
tell him about the possibility of a sinister career in the Muggle world.
October 22 Lucius Malfoy sent us some Death Eater friends who burned holes into our carefully kept lawn. These brutes!!! They even singed Rosemary's feathers. October 30 It's the day before Halloween, and somehow we are working at two brooms simultaneously. We hardly manage one at a time! How shall we cope??? October 31 We're finished! Funnily enough, Geronimo did not join the German train drivers' strike. |
On Pirates, Maids, And A Harbour-Master
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Every time we publish a new chapter of our serial novel we wonder if you,
dear readers, are aware that someone has to be the mastermind behind the
romance. Brian Cullen met Angelina Everheart in her home, a cosy cottage with
lace curtains and rose-coloured chintzy armchairs. BC: Angelina, this is the first time you appear in public to claim authorship of The Moon Over Wogharts. Why did you think such discretion necessary? AE: Well, Brian, it is after all a serial romance, which is not high literature. I was very much afraid that my acquaintances would laugh about me and despise my work. BC: You’ve got a lot of fans, though. AE: Yes, and I am very grateful – and quite surprised, too! BC: Your stories always take | unexpected turns. Do you
yourself know what will happen when you start to write? AE: Since I am writing romance, the red line is of course that hero and heroine get married in the end – but not before they haven’t gone through loads of adversities, the more spectacular the better. So whenever I find a new idea for a twist of fate I use it, and make a note to find a good way out again. BC: Does everything have to be good in the end? AE: Not necessarily, I like loose threads to take them up in sequels. But villains should pay and good people be rewarded. BC: It sounds like an ideal world. AE: It is entirely fictional. Not one of the historical pirates was such a gentleman as Sean MacFee, and |
certainly maids did not swoon because the pirates were so handsome. But it
is fun to create a scenery where everything is possible. BC: Now that you have finished The Moon Over Wogharts, do you have a new project? AE: I do, in fact. A minor character, harbour-master Quinn Dashiell, grew dear to me and will play a prominent part in future. New Moon Over Wogharts will be a sequel to The Moon Over Wogharts, but you will see things through different eyes. BC: Sounds great. I guess I mustn’t ask for details. AE: My lips are sealed, Brian. BC: Thank you anyway, Angelina, and I may say I speak for all of us when I say I’m looking forward to reading more of your stories. (BC) |
broom's Best Bad Boy Board
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Sebastian Cook had been bullied into becoming a Death Eater and finally was
reunited with his friends from school. “Why are we here?” Cook asked Greg Nott. “The Dark Lord likes graveyards – and this one is the dearest to him right after the ones at Little Hangleton and Godric’s Hollow,” Greg replied. “Here, Vargas, come and take care of our new member.” Ramon Vargas came forward from the circle and held out his hand just as he had done so many years before, in the Hogwarts Express. “It’s really good seeing you again,” he said and took off his mask. Sebastian shook hands with his old friend. “Is Banks here, too?” he enquired. “Yes, he is, over there. And your uncle is here, too. Avery – this is Cook!” A tall man stepped forward and removed his mask. “So you are cousin Philomena’s boy. Sebastian, isn’t it?” he asked, looking Cook from top to toe. “Yes, sir,” Cook replied. Avery snorted. “Yes, sir,” he mimicked. “You’re a Death Eater now. We show no deference to anyone but to the Dark Lord. Do you understand?” “Yes, of course, I’m not stupid,” Cook replied angrily. “That’s what we need. Find ways to get into the Ministry without being seen. Find people willing to receive payment for dirty work,” Avery said and laughed. “I tried. I failed. We need someone who has never drawn any suspicion on himself. In short, we need you,” he added. Sebastian Cook frowned. “And how shall I find out anything about the Ministry? I know |
nobody there,” he said bluntly. “Then find out. Flirt with some secretary or
other,” Vargas suggested. Cook looked at his friend. “You’re kidding.” Vargas was, after all, much better-looking than Sebastian Cook could ever have hoped for. “Most certainly not. Give us an entrance into the Ministry. Use any curse you need, don’t be a fool,” Vargas warned. He knew that Sebastian Cook’s worst flaw was to be hopelessly insecure of his own magical powers. Which, if the plan went right, was their greatest asset. It proved to be the perfect asset. Sebastian moved to London, dropped by at the Ministry regularly and got to know a very young, very naïve secretary called Laura who knew the spells to open doors at night. It never occurred to Cook to charm her the normal way. He had her under the Imperius Curse by the second date, and Laura was blissfully unaware that her wonderful boyfriend was plotting to break and enter the Ministry to get – well, what? Cook was not in on the plan. His uncle was, but never told him. So it came quite as a surprise when Avery went back to prison after the attack on the Ministry failed completely. Why Sebastian Cook was never blamed for this and what finally makes him a good Best Bad Boy even though he seems a pathetic loser right now you will read in the next edition of your favourite magazine. (BC&MF) |
The Moon Over Wogharts
| When the Black
Piranha anchored at Snapturtle Island, Sean went into the bar of Mary
Lambswool. News travelled far and wide, but somehow it all gathered at Mary’s
counter, being whispered to the well-paying customer or, for a few favours, to
the avid listener. Pickpockets were lurching in the corners of the dark,
smoke-filled cabin with its grimy floor and dirty tables. Beer had been
slopped onto the floor for years without being ever wiped away, and spittle as
well as mucus had joined it to create a slimy mess that had brought many a man
to fall down at Mary’s feet. Mary was a massive woman, sitting in a throne-like armchair in the darkest corner, and only the most revered guests were allowed to come near her. Barmaids and bullies looked out for disturbers, but Sean passed them all, walking confidently on until he had reached Mary. “Sean. A pleasure,” she simpered and moved her huge fan up and down in a mockery of elegant women. “As always you look lovely, Mary,” Sean lied. Mary laughed. “Sit down and tell me about Shaughnessy. You finally caught one of his ships, eh?” “Yes, I did, and it was quite well-stocked.” “With Shaughnessy’s daughter,” Mary |
remarked slyly. “Beyond other things,” Sean nodded. “I’ve got some news
for you, then, boy,” Mary said and leaned forward. “Three of the pearls and
some of the silk will do, Sean.” “Is it really worth that much?” Sean asked
doubtfully. “Oh, it’s up to you. If you don’t want to know, then don’t give
Mary new finery.” Sean looked over his shoulder and nodded. Red Sara came forward and placed blue silk and three pearls on the table next to Mary. “Right,” Mary said. Sara was evidently waiting for a command, but Mary just stared at the younger woman until Sara slunk away. “She’s got an eye on you, Sara has,” Mary said and sighed. “Sean, if I were younger even I might consider taking you to my chamber.” She laughed throatily, then coughed and spit on the floor. Sean kept his face deliberately blank. “The news, Sean MacFee, is that Patricia Shaughnessy has been betrothed to a certain Asher Devereux who is currently at sea on the way to seize his price… bride, I mean. You can still catch up with him and talk to him if you want to. Besides he is travelling on another of Shaughnessy’s ships, this one carrying spices.” Mary leaned back and eyed Sean shrewdly. “Was it worth the price?” |
Sean nodded slowly. “Yes it was. I think I will change my plans now.” Patricia walked through the storage rooms. Even though Richard had bitterly complained about the loss of the ship and her father’s life, the merchant’s shop was still well-stocked. There was no fear to starve, Patricia thought wryly. “Miss Shaughnessy, will you sign this?” a clerk asked shyly. Patricia looked at the request written out in Richard’s hand. It asked for the money to buy a shipload of pearls. Patricia took the slip of paper from the clerk and went to the caskets containing the pearls. There were three caskets full of the finest pearls, and there was right now nobody asking for any more. “Tell Mr Boyens I will not sign this,” Patricia decided and felt instantly better. Richard, when he heard of this, was fuming. So he had to find another way to ruin his uncle’s firm so much that Patricia had nothing left but to marry him, Richard Boyens. For in the end it would all come to this. Asher Devereux was desperate of money. A poor Patricia would mean nothing to him. Richard on the other hand had already put aside a good part of the money of his uncle. He would do well, Patricia at his side or no. |
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(Once upon a Time in the Muggle World) Every year offers the same set of feasts and festivities which are worth celebrating. Among Easter, Christmas and broom’s birthday we also found a peculiar Muggle anniversary: Guy Fawkes Day. |
This, of course, would only be half as funny if they hadn’t put a straw figure on top of the stake. Who could know that better than us? Muggles like burning others. Who could know that better than us? Witches and wizards like being burnt. Who could know that better than us? |
her right mind would have a barbecue outside at this time of the year. However, as we had stated before, we’re talking Muggles now. |
The Times are Changing
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(All of Europe, We Here at broom Believe) Living in an age where progress takes place faster than you can say the word itself, we were quite surprised to see time stop for an hour. |
Horace travels from house to house to set the clocks back an hour. Unfortunately, that Horace, who usually drops in at the end of October, always forgets the presents and so another person named Arthur has to repeat the procedure normally between the 24th and 25th of December and where have we been at the start of this much too long sentence before we lost the thread, oh right, |
nothing’s missing here apart from a dot, there it is. |