broom Breaking News
| (Wizarding World) Our wonderful world has been badly
betrayed, as it seems after rashly reading a bewildering book by a Muggle man
called J. R. R. Tolkien: The Lord of the Rings. Ever experiencing new and alien adventures, the eminent editors of brilliant broom Brian and Mike bought the book at a swift sale in nutty Knockturn Alley. When they read the rare, terrific tale, they found elusive evidence that Tolkien tried to mix illegal information among his epic epos. Among the neat names he gave to his cute characters are weird Wizarding family names, such as Puddifoot. In addition to that, tormented Tolkien not even refrained from ubiquitously using the highly secret cursed concept of horrible Horcruxes – a secure secret known only, or should be known only, to the damnably darkest of savage sorcerers. Yet this Muggle man managed to |
get intimate information on the secret subject by winding ways. He was
even doubtlessly daring enough to make the hideous Horcrux the supreme subject of
his terrifying tale. The round Ring itself, your ever-vigilant editors
discovered, was a Horcrux, storing the innermost foul soul of all-time baddy
Sauron in itself. As if that weren’t enough incriminating incidents to make Tolkien a callous criminal according to Wizarding law, he also insists on introducing his vicious villain as the Dark Lord. Does that ring a bell, anyone? Sauron never uses his real name – well, we’ve heard that before, haven’t we? Now, we do wonder how that potentially dangerous writer managed to get hold of all this information. Help us in our quest. Resistance Rocks! (BC&MF) |
|
(The World) Apparently, there are many curious kinds of worms in this
world, including things called worms but being something doubtlessly
different. |
a damnably dreadful dragon living quite near the credulous city is the real
reason for naming a totally tough town after a bunch of wriggling worms. However, the most menacing kind of worms for anything made of wood are woodworms. Those vile little worms are renowned for ruining fine furniture as well as haul down houses. To us, though, the really worst worm is Wormtail, the terrified traitor Peter Pettigrew. Worms like him are unfortunately not to be charmingly chased away by loser Lockhart’s safe spells. You just keep your eyes open and your wands at the ready, folks! Resistance Rocks! (MF) |
Your Mission, Mr Crumlum
|
After so many voices speaking up for Arsenio Crumlum to become Minister for
Magic, Brian Cullen thought it was time to go to the man himself. broom is
proud to give you the first interview with the soon-to-be Minister for Magic. BC: Hello, Arsenio. I do hope I don’t waste your time. AC: Not to worry, I’ve always got plenty of time for my friends. BC: Our campaign took you quite by surprise, did it not? AC: Yes, it did. I was mighty honoured, yes. And I still can’t believe it. BC: Really? Why? AC: You see, I’m a simple man. I |
always knew I had a knack with people, and with chocolate, but I really
never made the leap to assume this was any special. BC: Whereas Rufus Scrimgeour always insisted on his special abilities to be recognized. Arsenio, once you’ve become Minister for Magic, will you close Sweet Italy? AC: Oh no, I could not do that! I think I’d let my apprentice, Mr Bloomer, do most of the work, sadly. But whenever I’ve the time, I’ll come here and make chocolates. Nothing is more relaxing and satisfying, yes? BC: Indeed. And I may say, your chocolates are the best I’ve ever tasted. AC: Oh, thank you, Brian. |
BC: Is there anything you would like to tell your supporters? AC: First, I want to thank everyone for the enormous trust given to me. I know Minister for Magic is no easy job. But I will do my very best and I will, if necessary, fill the Thames with molten chocolate to get rid of You-Know-Who. Whoever needs help, or advise, do not hesitate to contact me. I’m the people’s man, and I want to show you that this is no shallow promise. BC: Thank you, Arsenio. I do think we can be proud to get such an honest, clearly outspoken and amiable Minister for Magic. (BC) |
broom-e-gram
| April 8 Our dear and revered Slave No. 1 celebrated her
birthday today - sadly, she didn't drop by and bring us some of her birthday
cake, although we heard she had got a delicious one. Well, next year, perhaps. April 12 Would you believe it? An entire three months have passed without us ever being asked to attend a hearing at the Ministry of Magic. It seems as if the Morons have finally realized that it's better to hunt Dark Suckers than us. | April 15 Since spring set our
office into full bloom, our head-printer Geronimo is sneezing constantly. He's
allergic against nearly everything, poor dear. April 23 Our former colleague Rita Skeeter asked us for a position. Times must be really rough for her! April 28 We decided to allow Rita to hand in some articles, then we will decide if we take her on. Perhaps for occasional interviews or some such thing. |
Fools, Pranks, and Festivals
| (The World) Since we
managed to find a last-minute-prank for April Fool’s Day last month, we have
been trying to find out why exactly we felt compelled to play a trick. We
found amazing things on our quest into the more dubious depths and quagmires
of history. First of all we found out that we were treading a kind of historical swampland: nothing is for certain, you might fall into a pool of misconceptions or a puddle of lies any moment, and you’ve got nothing but will o’ the wisps in form of strange hints to guide you through the marshes. However, our will o’ the wisps proved to blink steadily in their places. The first one lead us over arched stone bridges into ancient Rome. The Romans whom we always imagined as boring old men talking a funny language and wearing bed-sheets wrapped around them weren’t so boring at all. Quite the contrary. They had a special festival for pranksters called the Saturnalia. This took place at the end of December and involved a lot of fun, including the reign of a mock king, the Lord of Misrule. For one day, mind you. Perhaps we ought to suggest to the Dark Suckers that they get one day a year to vent their spleen and the remaining time is ours. Apparently those Saturnalia turned |
everything upside down – hey, Dark Suckers, don’t you enjoy turning
people upside down? But of course, if we offer you one finger, you’ll want the
whole hand… Back to April Fool’s Day, and forth from Roman times to the Middle Ages. Of course fools were rather popular during those centuries. The most important festival, however, was the so-called Feast of Fools. It was especially popular in France, where people elected a mock pope and parodied church rituals. Unfortunately, this was the end of the will o’ the wisps leading into history. Others appeared, though, and showed us various mythological roots which stopped us from drowning in the mires of ignorance. One idea was that the Bible had inspired April Fool’s foolery. For one thing, Noah had sent out a dove before the flood waters had gone away, thus sending it on a fool’s errand. Another theory was that sending Jesus from Pilate to Herod was a fool’s errand. However, this does not explain why pranks are played. The genuinely English explanation helped us there. You will all be familiar with the town of Gotham in Nottinghamshire and its inhabitants. One of the tales tells of the fight of the people of Gotham to keep their High street theirs. Medieval law said |
that, once a king set foot upon it, a street became public property. Well, of
course the good people of Gotham didn’t like that one bit, and, since they
were ordinary Muggles, had no possibility of making their town unplottable
when King John announced a visit. So they just refused him entry, which
promptly brought a royal army to Gotham’s gates. To prevent the city’s
destruction, all the inhabitants of Gotham played lunatics. It worked. But the last will o’ the wisp turned out to more like a lighthouse. We might have found a secure explanation why April 1st was and is a special day. You see, when there was still the Julian calendar, the New Year began on April 1st. Only in the 16th century times changed. Quite literally. One pope Gregory devised a new calendar and put the beginning of the year to January 1st. But he was a Catholic, of course, so the Protestants refused to change. To which the Catholics reacted by playing tricks to the Protestants in the last week of March… Now we’ve crossed that somewhat dubious swampland, we feel really enlightened. We hope you do, too. And if not, why don’t you set out on your own quest? Just follow you will o’ the wisps and never ever get stuck in the quagmires of ignorance. Resistance Rocks! (BC) |
broom's Best Bad Boy Board
|
After successfully buying all the things a young wizard requires for school,
Philomena and Sebastian Cook returned home to find a very attentive owl and a
very strange letter from Hogwarts School next to the sleeping head of the
family, the Muggle plumber Colin. Colin woke up when his wife shrieked and stared first at the owl which hooted affectionately and rubbed its head against Colin’s cheek. “Ah, Philly, you’re back. And Seb, too. Owl’s brought a letter. Mighty nice bird, that,” Colin said and patted the owl fondly. “We can’t keep her, the neighbours!” Philomena said automatically. “Oh, I don’t care, I like the bird,” Colin said. “Well, the bird brought a very bad letter indeed.” “Yes, Philly, but you can’t blame the messenger for the message,” Colin stated wisely and continued caressing his new friend. Philomena sighed dramatically and then said: “It could be Seb’s not accepted at Hogwarts.” Sebastian exhaled slowly. He could see some light at the end of the tunnel. Perhaps he would not have to go to a freak school but stay at the normal school. “What does that mean? I called Mrs Miller today and cancelled Seb’s place at the local comprehensive,” Colin said dumb-struck. “Well, they say they have few places left and they give them to the most talented wizard. It is very odd,” Philomena said. “Mum, were you at the freak school?” Sebastian asked. “Sure I |
was, and your uncle, too, and…” Suddenly Philomena knew what she had to do.
She sat down and began scribbling a letter, then went to Colin’s owl. “What
are you doing with Athena?” Colin asked suspiciously. “I’ll send her and save Seb’s education,”
Philomena said determinedly and sent off Athena. “And if Athena doesn’t come
back? I liked the bird,” Colin complained. “You go with it, Colin Cook, the
bird will be Seb’s means of communicating with us once he’s at school.
Athena’s Seb’s pet, not yours, if we are to keep her.” Thus it came that the Cooks effectively nicked a Hogwarts school barn owl. The pet christened Athena never accompanied Sebastian to school, but Philomena used her to send messages to her son, and Sebastian was able to write back without using school owls. Athena’s whole affection, however, belonged to Colin Cook. So she came back at full speed, after only two days. She looked a little ruffled but otherwise well and resumed her seat on Colin’s shoulder. She brought back a short note by Philomena’s cousin saying everything would be right. Please keep in mind that this was a year after Voldemort’s first downfall, and Avery was in prison. So if you want to unravel the secret of how Cook managed to get into Hogwarts after all, even though a more talented wizard (perhaps the Knight Bus Conductor Stan Shunpike) lost his place at Hogwarts, do join us next month! (BC&MF) |
crossword
| 1 III | ||||||||||||||||||
| 2 | 3 | IX | 4 | 5 | 6 | I | 7 | |||||||||||
| VIII | 8 | |||||||||||||||||
| 9 | 10 | |||||||||||||||||
| 11 | II | |||||||||||||||||
| VI | ||||||||||||||||||
| IV | 12 | V | VII |
Across |
Down |
The looked for phrase:
____ ____ ____ ____ ____ ____ ____ W____ ____ ____ ____ ____, I II I III II IV V V VI II VII V
____ ____ ____ ____ ____ ____ ____!
IV V VII V VIII IX IV
Have a Happy Hallow!
|
(Beyond the Veil) Mike and Brian are still behind the
veil in the Department of Mysteries, they are still on the hunt for the
Happy Hallow who will be the bane of Harry Potter – or something the like. |
know,” Dante said and snickered unpleasantly. |
piglet, that’s because of my nose, I guess. I’m a veritable saint, yes.”
“And are you deathly?” we wanted to know. “Oh no, I take care of little
piglets’ health and safety,” Banbhán answered. “Then,” we concluded, “you’re
not the one we’re looking for.” |