broom Breaking News
| (Wizarding World) The shocking series of sports
accidents apparently goes on. After the fatal foul that made a Ballycastle
Bludger burst a bridge, another Quidditch accident occurred. This time,
however, nobody was hurt, nor even incidentally injured. The traumatised team captain of the Chudley Cannons reported that one of their chasers crashed into a church spire. The Chaser, Charles Choke, careered off the predictable path and went spiralling down the way into the nearby Muggle village of Fair Faringdon. The church was in his way, and so he crashed in a cruel collision against the spire. Luckily, Choke was not | injured badly, and no Muggle witnessed the weird event. It seems that the Chudley Cannons Chaser was put under the Imperius Curse and ordered to crash deliberately into a Muggle church. However, the reason behind this awful attack seems not to be Dark Magic at all, but rather the daring desire of stopping the cool Cannons to win this year’s Quidditch Championship by discrediting them with the Ministry of Magic. Chudley Cannons are now looking for the weird wizard or witch responsible for the accident. He or she will be ferociously fined to pay for the work of Magical Maintenance who had to secure the spire. (BC) |
|
(Czech Republic) Worrying word has reached us from the
exciting eastern states of unique Europe: Dangerous dragons are being traded
like tortoises in anonymous auctions. |
acted at once and arrested the auctioneers and sent the
drugged dragons to the renowned reservation in Romania. But it seems as if
safety of secluded spots is not enough anymore to potently protect dragons
from vicious villains. Please do not try to buy banned goods, unless you are
wantonly willing to further the ferocious rising of rogues like Voldemort and
the dumb Death Eaters. (ALL) |
WOA! No Time to Find a Fitting Headline
| (The World,
the Whole World!) Believe it or not but the best news has just been delivered
to us by owl: All the nations of the world have agreed to declare
WORLD PEACE. G 8 and Jihad, US and UK, EU and UE, Austria and Australia, Africa and Acirfa, North Pole, South Pole and Poland, Russia and Prussia, Zealand and New Zealand, Philippines and Arthurpines, Cuba and Tuba and and and have sat down at one table – well, not literally – to discuss a possible process which inevitably will lead to world peace. Negotiations started straight after WWI and though a second World War made the earth shiver, negotiations went on. After a total of 89 years everybody has got to know and agreed to the details worked out in the treaty. |
The hardest part, obviously, was to communicate all the information between
the different heads of states. Happily we learn that witches and wizards
played a major role in distributing the details to everyone who was in charge. And above all, it seems as if Voldemort has agreed to keep the world peace if no one forbade him to kill Harry Potter. No surprises there, Minister Scrimgeour has accepted the offer, no surprises there either. As soon as all this is known throughout the world, the weapons will be moved to museums or destructed. Fulfil your part and tell everyone about it! Maybe by tomorrow, we will live in a world without wars! (The Ministry of Magic) |
Giving Away Calendars – A Muggle Man of God
| (A village
somewhere in this world) Just the other day as I walked along the street I was
stopped by a man. His soft voice told me that he was a man of God. It
displayed sensitivity as well as sensibility. And indeed he was. As much as I respect people who serve a higher power as little I understand people who give away calendars for free – in April. No, not for the coming year but for this one. Well, it doesn’t really make sense. A normal calendar gives you the date. The same dates creep up every year and with a regular rhythm the same dates fall on the same weekdays. Quite a funny thing such a calendar. However, this calendar is not any ordinary calendar but one that provides a sentence of the Good Book for each month. So, why don’t I make the best of it and have a closer look at the wisdoms declared. The cover says: ‘I am the light of the world’ Quite obviously the sun, don’t you think so? Is that proof that the Christian truth is based on hedonistic believe? January says: ‘Follow me! And he got up and followed him.’ The question is where are we going? February gives us: ‘The mercy of God has come for the benefit of all mankind.’ We here at broom hope that all womankind will not be excluded from God’s mercy. March provides us with: ‘Who believes in me will have eternal life.’ Quite obviously this must have been related to |
Easter. April says: ‘The one who is thirsty shall come to me and drink.’ This reveals us the profession of God. He’s a barkeeper. May tells us: ‘The gift of mercy of God is eternal life in Jesus Christ.’ Pentecost is near. June advises us: ‘Be happy in the Lord all of the time.’ Yeah, he has a pub, no problem with being happy! July gives us: ‘God is love.’ Well, to anyone who knows “A Passage to India” this will tell a long story. To all who don’t: Love your neighbour. August provides us with: ‘Blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord.’ Again I ask myself what about women? September gives us the answer: ‘The Lord saves all who love him.’ I’m glad to hear that! October tells us: ‘I stand in front of the door and knock.’ Well, someone should go and open the door! November says: ‘Stay with us because it’s going to be evening.’ Probably he can’t for the pubs close at 10. December, quite appropriately, provides us with: ‘The saviour, who is Jesus Christ, was born to you today.’ Yes, so don’t forget to send him a birthday card! To all who believe anything we here at broom would like to renew our wish of a happy year. Try to laugh as often as possible and never surrender to sadness. You will never be alone as long as you have a broom by your side! (ALL) |
broom-e-gram
| March 6 The first tulip we planted last year is
open! It’s red and gold, of course, since we’re old Gryffindor students.
Besides, there are no silver and green, blue and yellow, or black and white
tulips… March 10 No doubt, Brian is the ladies’ man. Today his 100th love letter arrived. The addressee sent it back without even opening it. | March 18
Our duck Rosemary met a male duck, apparently. Hagrid
says she might lay eggs soon. How could that happen? March 25 We lost an hour, and we couldn’t find it again. Surely we’ll get into trouble with Horace now… March 31 We double-checked if that day existed, it did, and we were very happy that for once a month behaved as expected. |
broomsticks Are Very Sensitive
| (Wizarding World) There
are, of course, many kinds of people in both the Wizarding and the Muggle
Worlds. Some are quite normal, and others have their strange little spleens.
One of the more recent men to vent his spleen in public is Abercrombie
MacFarlane, who has even gone as far as writing a book on his subject. broom
is pleased to be able to talk to Abercrombie and ask him a few questions about
his studies. MF: Abercrombie, we are so glad you found the time to talk to us about your book. Do tell our readers its title and what it is about. AM: Oh, I am surely flattered, there can be no doubt. My book, Wooden Feelings, has been an immediate success, which, I must say, slightly surprised me. However, it might be because my theory is quite unusual. MF: Indeed? Why? AM: I have been researching broomsticks for a long, long time. You see, I was once quite an able Quidditch player myself. And one of the most important things a Quidditch player needs is a good broomstick, you see. MF: Absolutely. A good broom is vital. AM: Yes. So I began to think about broomsticks, about what makes them special. MF: Did you start out intending to write a book along the lines of Which broomstick? |
AM: No. No, absolutely not. My idea was more complex. You see,
broomsticks are all made of wood, and the only thing that makes them different
from each other is the way they are made. Some of them are more narrow, some
are highly polished, some have silver ornaments, some bronze – but that’s all
outside, flashy stuff, isn’t it? MF: But I always thought aerodynamics and the outward look of a broom was really important. AM: Yes, that’s what most people think. But you don’t see to the core of matters, you really don’t. You must never judge a book by its cover, and definitely not a broom by its appearance. You don’t need a flashy-looking broom to be a winner, you know. MF: Do tell that to the Quidditch teams and the shops advertising the latest models. AM: I did, but understandably they would not listen. They make money by selling the flashy stuff. But at the heart of each broomstick is the spirit of the wood it was made from, and, as you know from the choosing of your wand, wood is vital to the effect of the magic. MF: Spirit of the wood? AM: Of course. broomsticks choose their riders. You can buy the most expensive model you can afford and still be a poor player. But you can be |
successful on the oldest and most decrepit-looking broom if it’s the right
one for you. The wood and its spirit give the broomstick a deep feeling for the wizard. Therefore, any damage to your broomstick should be treated like an injury to the player himself. brooms feel the hurt just as well, and if you don’t treat them with respect, they will fail you. MF: So, your theory is that broomsticks have feelings? AM: Definitely, yes. broomsticks are very sensitive creatures, and you must be very gentle with them. Never forget that a broomstick is not only an instrument, but a creature made from feeling, living wood. brooms need respect. MF: I see. Well, I couldn’t agree more, broom needs respect. Abercrombie, thank you so much for coming to us. AM: It was a pleasure. MF: How do you get home? AM: On my broomstick, naturally. With that, Abercrombie MacFarlane mounted his ancient Comet 2-60 and flew away from Hogsmeade. Whoever wants to know more about his theory should purchase his book, Wooden Feelings – but be careful, you might be persuaded that Quidditch is an unnecessary cruel sport for the poor brooms. (MF) |
broom's Best Bad Boy Board
|
After Sebastian Cook had received his letter announcing he had got a place
at Hogwarts School for Witchcraft and Wizardry, his mother Philomena resumed
her lessons in magic with heightened vigour. Colin, the Muggle plumber, on the
contrary, let his business lie down and succumbed to drink. He was simply not
able to cope with the pressure of having to hide both his wife and his only
child. Of course, Sebastian had to buy his things for school. It did take Philomena a week to figure out how she should get her son and herself to London, but then she simply nicked the money for the train fare from her husband and the two set off. In London there was a moment of embarrassment when Philomena addressed a Bobby and asked him for the way to the Leaky Cauldron pub. Needless to say, the Bobby was not amused since there assuredly was no pub with that odd name in the whole of London – and its suburbs. They got away with a reproachful speech by the Bobby, however, and Philomena tried to remember where exactly the Leaky Cauldron was situated. It took her longer than she had thought, and she and her son had to settle down for the night at a cheap hotel. The next morning, enlightenment and day dawned at the same time and the Cooks set off afresh and |
found the pub and its owner Tom in due order. Sebastian hardly ever closed his mouth that day. Consequently he was laughed at and pointed at – people can be so cruel when they recognize a baboon in clothes, can’t they? They got all the things required for a first year at Hogwarts and they had a sundae at Florean Fortescue’s, and they had a quick glance into Knockturn Alley where, as Philomena remembered fondly, “Grandpa Avery had had a wand shop”. When they were home, they found Colin asleep at the kitchen table, an owl sitting next to him and fondly nibbling his ear. With a piercing shriek, Philomena freed the owl from its letter-burden, but the bird stayed next to Colin and began to ruffle the man’s hair. Colin did not wake up, though, and Sebastian continued his new-found habit of staring open-mouthed. Philomena ripped open the letter regardless of the fact that it was addressed to her son, and what she found made her sit down immediately. It was another letter by Hogwarts School, and it was rather disturbing. If you want to know why the letter was so disturbing and if the owl stayed at the Cooks’, read on next month! (BC&MF) |
Crossword
| 1 | 2 | ||||||||
| 3 | 4 | 5 | |||||||
| 6 | VII | ||||||||
| VIII | |||||||||
| 7 | VI | ||||||||
| 8 | |||||||||
| 9 | I | ||||||||
| 10 | III | ||||||||
| 11 | |||||||||
| 12 | |||||||||
| 13 | II | ||||||||
| 14 IV | |||||||||
| 15 | |||||||||
| 16 | V |
Across |
Down |
The looked for phrase:
____ ____ ____ ____ ____ ____ ____ ____ ____ ____ ____, ____ ____V____ ____U____ ! I II III III IV V II VI VII V VIII VI V V VIII VI
Editors' Corner
|
On the subject of introducing a new Minister for Magic,
many people wrote letters to us stating their fears and concerns. |
impossible for Rufus Scrimgeour to stay in office, and
even happier when broom presented such a great alternative Minister for Magic
in Mr Crumlum. Thank you so much, yours, |
vampire Rufus Scrimgeour! |