broom Breaking News

Salubrious Severus-Fountain’s Fresh Water

(Muggle World) After our extensive expedition into the weird world of saints called Severus, new pressing proof has turned up that Saint Severus is one of the most revered relic-givers in the Muggle World!
A fountain with fresh water has been found to be named after the severe saint. It is located in lovely Germany. Legend has it that the frivolous fountain was found by ornate oxen in the mean Middle Ages. There was a dreadful draught, and the thirsty 		animals arranged to find the fresh water by simply using their hollow hooves. They dutifully dug up the white water – a Muggle miracle! Or perhaps amused animagi, who knows. Anyway, the maybe-miraculous flowing fluid was successfully sold to poor pilgrims under the name of Severus-Water. Ever since that time, the fountain bears the name of the saint. So, Severus Snape, why don’t you insist on using only the wonder-water of Saint Severus for your perfect potions? (BC)

Ferocious Fly Agaric Attacks Muggle

(Sherwood Forest) Muggles love legends, and one of the best-loved legends is the medieval miraculous story about rash Robin Hood attacking the rich and aiding the poor. In those days, travellers found the way through superb Sherwood Forest waylaid by brutal bandits. Today, Muggles making a long wearying walk may encounter evil fierce fungi.
As a menaced Muggle tearfully told us, a gigantically grown ferocious fly agaric attacked her when she was doing a stupid-looking sport called ‘Nordic walking’ in the wild woods. When

broom’s inventive investigative interviewers went for more Muggle witnesses, we detected dreadful stories about unsuspecting under-aged Muggles meeting the ferocious fly agaric on its rampage, old worthies fighting the fierce fungus with their wooden walking sticks and harassed housewives running from the forest fearing to be cruelly killed by the fighting fly agaric.
We want to warn all the wood-lovers out there to beware of the ferocious fly agaric. Watch out in the woods!
(BC&MF)

We’ve Got THE Alternative

(Hogsmeade) Alright, so we did get over some time with Rufus Scrimgeour as Minister for Magic, and there are no rumours of bloodless Ministry morons running around. Spineless, perhaps, but no vampire-victims. Still, not attacking does not make a villain a good guy. We want a new Minister for Magic, a new man responsible for the fate of the Wizarding World, someone with sense for action and the needed diplomatic skills.

So we have been looking for some nice, sensible substitute and yes, we’ve found someone fitting the job description to a nicety. Follow our thoughts with the following little questionnaire!

1. What qualities does a Minister for Magic need?
Well, we think he needs to be a person of great integrity, someone unimpeachable and trustworthy. Someone people warm up to and tell their worries to. At the same time, the person should be able to discern between real friends and the typical suckers that always cling to people in power. So, basically the new Minister for Magic should not generally hold everyone guilty until proven innocent, but should have the skill to read other people’s characters.
2. Does a Minister of Magic have to be popular?
Yes, but of course! Actually, this was a bit of a stupid question

3. What is necessary to get people all mellow?
Chocolate. And if you ask why, then think back to the days when your mum, grandma, or Madam Pomfrey gave you a cup of hot chocolate. Didn’t you feel all snug and comfortable and infinitely soothed? And when you’re down and eat a bar of chocolate, don’t you feel better? Even Dementors can be charged off by eating chocolate. Chocolate is the universal remedy, and we wouldn’t be in the least surprised should Voldemort melt when he is touched by chocolate. Chuck chocolates at Death Eaters, try!
The conclusion of this is that only one man in the magical world can be Minister for Magic, and this, obviously, is not Rufus Scrimgeour. In fact, re-reading our article, we think there is no one less capable of being Minister for Magic than Scrimgeour. No, the only man who can save our necks is the owner of the most formidable sweet shop in all of the world. It’s called Sweet Italy, and it’s in Oxford High Street, and the man is the unique, wonderful, ingenious and generous Arsenio Crumlum. Arsenio for Minister! (BC)

broom-e-gram

January 9 Happy birthday dearest Severus Snape!!! Why didn't you invite us to your party? We would even have brought you a present - if we remembered...
January 12 Brian and Mike went to look for yet another Deathly Hallow, but due to bad weather gave up before they had even left broom Headquarters.
January 20 Only the lonely hearts go out alone on a Saturday night? Wrong! Even Mike went to see a show in Hogsmeade - 		but don't tell Miranda!
January 25 Did you realize that it's only 11 months until Christmas Day? It's time to think about some nice presents for friends and foes. Why not send Voldemort a nice Horcrux after he's lost so many?
January 31 By some miracle we managed to finish yet another broom, and even with almost two hours margin. Not bad, if you consider who the editors are...
broom's Best Bad Boy Board
Although we warned you about the possibility that we might give you fake information, we have to tell you that we were quite serious. Sebastian Cook’s dad is a plumber. And a Muggle. And it came as a real shock to him when he discovered his wife to be able to do magic – and his son being a freak as well.
It was on a dreary, foggy Friday evening when Mrs Cook was not in the mood to cook the Muggle way. Year after year of drudging on without magic and secretly hoping that her son would finally show some of the magical heritage he should have had left their traces, and this day the thin veneer of content cracked.
She used her wand to gather all the things for cooking and did not stop even after Sebastian had returned from school. The boy stared open-mouthed at his mum letting pots and potatoes fly through the air and chase each other while the potatoes peeled themselves as if hoping to be faster without peel.
When Colin came home and saw the famous knitting needles knit a jumper in mid-air, he turned around and went to the local pub to get drunk. Philomena waited up for her husband and told him everything: that she was a witch, that she was disgraced by marrying him but wanting to return to her own magical family.		Unfortunately Colin was so drunk he had forgotten everything by morning and so got a shock again when Philomena poured him a cup of coffee without touching the pot at all.
As if that wasn’t enough, Sebastian managed to break a vase on the breakfast table. Colin, needless to say, completely lost his nerves, because the vase had been a gift from his mother and Sebastian had knocked it over while reaching for the toast rack. Enraged by the weirdness of his wife and the clumsiness of his son, Colin left for work and Sebastian left for school. Local school, of course.
This day, however, Sebastian was sent home by his headmistress with a letter stating that he had painted a rabbit green. Sebastian was totally bewildered. He had simply been thinking about how funny it would be if the rabbit had the same colour as the grass, and – voila – there the green rabbit was. You can imagine how glad Philomena was that day!
If you want to know how Colin reacted when he got to know about Hogwarts and how Sebastian got his school things, stay with us next month. Oh, and dear Death Eaters, just to remind you: m******ds are surrounding you. Chuck them out, and we’ll deal with the rest of you. Faithfully,
Brian Cullen & Mike Flatley.

Being What We Are – We Sometimes Only Are Copies of Someone Else

(Our Shattered Little World) Well, how can we here at broom start when we are about to tell you all about our small cosmos lying ruined at our feet? How would anyone start? We here at broom will start with the start – that will make things a lot easier – at least for you, dear readers.

Alright then, before our world fell to pieces one of our slaves got a DVD for Christmas. broom’s favourite Mr. Stephen Fry and Mr. Hugh Laurie played a major part in it. Our slave was laughing and laughing and laughing. And then she realized that there were certain similarities between their and our work.
Quite, when geniuses strike, they will hit the same target – no matter, what they have aimed at. Now, please don’t blame us for being immodest to compare ourselves with the highest rank comedians Stephen Fry and Hugh Laurie. They have 		gone mad, you may rightly say. We here at broom that is not them in the Olympus of comedy. We know that we here at broom are only dust in a world of rocks, oh, by the way, Resistance Rocks!
Let’s see, where were we? Right, although we didn’t know about it, we were accidentally dealing with the same set of topics: Censorship is featured quite a lot here at broom. And it is a simple fact that we here at broom pretend to know each and everyone out there in the world and we even know the ‘Burt’, now.
Furthermore, well, yes, we have to admit, that we did talk to a chicken. The latest Christmas edition both faced broom’s Song and Brian’s Song which must – now – share its space with Stephen’s Song. And that was only broom!
If you carefully read the adventures of the Malignant Magpies you will have met 		with a mixture of a prize poem and parent power, though, it was teacher power, rather. Unfortunately, Brian and Mike even have a fencing duel, which is something they only performed during their time at school.
You may not think that this is much, however, to outstanding persons: Watching Stephen Fry and Hugh Laurie on DVD seems as if they were facing Brian and Mike. So far, this has been an unintended co-incidence. Everything that has been written up to now is coming from our brains, however, from now on, should you come across something which reminds you of Stephen and Hugh, it will be on purpose stolen or rather borrowed.
Thank you so much for taking an endless interest in our lives and Mr. Fry, Mr. Laurie, thanks for being the way you are and Mr. Cullen, Mr. Flatley, thanks for writing this article.
(BC&MF)

An Evening Wasted With The Rich And The Super-Rich
As all people the rich and the super-rich like to meet in special gatherings every now and then, however, to keep this an exclusive event it will all be about money – obviously. The causes, reasons and plans behind these events are of quite a different sort: make new friends and meet old friends.
How I got into this I really could not tell, but here I am. I decided to make the best of it, namely to write an article for broom. But let me start with some introductory notes: The rich and the super-rich are not people like you and me, well, not like you, but like me as I am part of this in-crowd.
The rich and the super-rich don’t only look important but they are important. What would this world be without them? So don’t bother with addressing them. They will address you, however, don’t worry about this for it will not happen. The rich and the super-rich are servants of our country, no wonder they have no time to serve themselves. By this they turn into one of the most important branch of employers: which causes the creation of another tree of employees: the servants.
And this is actually how this evening started: “Let’s take a seat. The last row is always welcome for you can turn and act as you please while observing the others. But I’m not left forsaken for long for the only person I will know this evening comes to greet me. A gentleman of not a high birth and therefore one of my favourite persons. In the course of the evening he will settle down next to me and be one of the highlights of the evening in the most positive of senses.
What follows seems to be a farce more than anything else.		 Henry approaches the lectern. He introduces himself and then shows us how to clap. There are three ways of clapping. No. 1 is the bored clap, very slow and without any force, the tips of your fingers point to the ground. No. 2 is the polite clap, a little faster and stronger, your hands are slightly raised. No. 3 is the cheerful clap, very fast and forceful, your hands are raised.
The last one is practiced as welcome to the guest orator. Yes, the rich and the super-rich don’t just gather like any other people. Of course, he talks about money but only briefly before handing over to the magician, a Muggle magician. He does a good job and is great, well, if it wasn’t for Muggle TV which had a Muggle magician at a Muggle class reunion.. I feel sort of misplaced.
Since this is nothing new, well, let’s just ignore it, after the magic moments the guest orator returns to tell us some more things about money. Then the magician appears again. yes, appears, I doubt that he could apparate and I doubt he could make funny jokes, then again, a magician is no comedian, at least this one is not. Well, no one is here for him. We are here for business. So the guest orator returns to tell us more about money.
Now that we know so much about the matter we are ready to take things over in little groups or to leave. Food is prepared and Henry invites us to linger on but since food after eight gives me nightmares I disapparate quietly.
So you see, the trick of social gatherings of the rich and the super-rich is to steal away before the social part begins. Being your servant.
 (anon.)

Crossword

 







1 
2 



3 
 







4 

 



 

5 





6 X
 
 
 

7 I

8 
 
 
 







 

 

 

 






9 III
10 II
 IV
 V
 VI
 VII
 VIII
 
 








 


 


 










11 IX
 
 
 
 












 














 














Across 
1 verb describing a movement (spelled backwards) 
3 another word for 'yes' (spelled backwards) 
6 symbol of love 
8 usually accompanies love 
9 February, 14th is ...'s Day 
11 another word for 'thorn' 



Down 
2 friend of the German Kasperle 
3 sometimes people want to do this to professor Snape 
4 answer you don't want to hear to the question 'Do you want to marry me?' 
5 symbol of love, at least here at broom 
7 everybody simply has to love him 
10 I ... in love with you! 





The looked for phrase:


____ ____ P P Y   ____ ____ ____ ____ ____ ____ ____ ____ ____'____   
I    II                  III  II   IV    V   VI   VII  VIII VI   V     IX
D ____ Y, ____ ____ ____ ____ ____ U ____ !
    II        IX    V   III   V    X       IX

 V-A-L-E-N-T-I-N-E-S-D-A-Y

(Your Head) Va-len-tine-s-day, Valentine’s Day, does that ring a bell? Well, whatever you say, it should. Let us here at broom remind you: Valentine’s Day is the day when you should let your loved one know that you love her or him. Of course, you should let her know every day of the year, however, on this special day, you have to do it in a special way. Valentine’s Day is located around February, 14th. Make sure to check with your calendar one day sooner or later may make a difference in this case!
To get the day right is only half the battle. You must find the way to assure your loved one that you love her or him. This is usually done by passing on a present-style object to the respective person. Okay, even we here at broom admit that this sounds like an easy task so far, however, rest assured that it isn’t!
To help you make your decision, we here at broom will give you a couple of examples – no, let us turn this sentence around – we here at broom will give you examples of couples: Brian and Mike – not that they were a real couple, just to illustrate our point with someone you really know. Brian should give Mike a dictionary. He really should and – he really would need it. However, if he did 

so Mike would be offended and wouldn’t at all feel loved.
Brian, on the other hand, should get a shovel and a rake, so that he could help Mike do the gardening. Unfortunately, then Brian would feel offended and couldn’t possibly feel loved. How to solve this problem?
Right, they don’t give each other what they need, but something they fancy. Naturally, Mike can’t give Patience to Brian, but he can give him something which will assure him to be the dream editor of all of the girls: He can bind all of the fan mail which has reached Brian so far. To draw equal with him, Brian has to break his head – mind you, not literally. Brian can give his friend a Muggle DVD of Michael Flatley. Do you get the pattern? No, not yet…
Let’s see. We briefly talked about Patience. What could anyone give to her? Definitely a course in how to fight your fear of spiders. As a consequence, Patience would never talk to Brian again, naturally. She’s up to her head soaked in potions, well, a bezoar can’t be wrong and would certainly make her happy.
Let’s take a look at Patience’s best friend Anne. Beautiful, isn’t she? Her boyfriend tries to make up his mind whether to give her Quidditch through the Ages or Dragons: Where to Find Them and How

to Deal with Them. Both are a complete no no! However, a ticket to Romania might melt the ice with her.
What about the last Magpie, Hengist? Anyone with decency would give him a survival guide which told him how to cope with every day’s dangers. Yes, you guess it: He would be offended.
But now you’ve got it, don’t you? Still no? You know, I begin thinking that you are a bit dumb. Let me think about this for a moment. Tum di dum dum dum, Tum di da da da, Dum ti da tum tum. Da di tum dum dum. Alright, I’ve got it. Picture this: Someone wants to give a Valentine’s Day present to professor Snape – highly unlikely, but nevertheless a good example.
What he needs most, is a sun tan cream, however, if you gave that to him, you would probably only live long enough to hear the third of the Unforgivable Curses. You know and we know that the selfsame teacher is obsessed with potions and Defence Against the Dark Arts. So, why don’t you give him either a potion (preferably a deadly one) or Thaddeus Mortimer Brewster-brown’s latest work?!
Either you have understood the way Valentine’s Day presents work by now or you’re a hopeless case. In any case, happy Valentine’s Day! (BC)

Horticultural Horrors
Spring Song
My dearest lovers of plants and adorers of gardens, yes, it is that time of the year again. Forget about Christmas, New Year and Valentine’s Day. Love is in the air? I ask Vi. It’s not love that produces this marvellous smell. Open your windows and breathe – or sneeze, for spring is in the air!
Look at the trees with their first tiny blossoms, look at the bushes with their promise to broom, sorry bloom and look at the flowers with their invitation to bees to take a rest and a sip. The birds are wooing, the rabbits are coupling and new generations of vermin are born.
All this happens without any help from you, however, there are some things left to you to be done. You better get started.
The first thing you should do – if you haven’t done so already – 		is to remove everything removable from your garden. You can never know when the next storm decides to play hide and seek with your things.
The next step you ought to take, is to tidy up your garden. There’s no need to keep old twigs or leaves now! As soon as you have done so, you should take a long look at your garden. Imagine where you want to put which plants, the things you want to change and the things you want to keep.
The necessary next step is to check which things you shall need to make your dreams come true – your gardener’s dreams that is. Before you can go on, it will be inevitable to buy, steal or borrow these necessary things. When you have done so, we will talk again. until then stay a lover of gardening!
Yours, (LPG)

The Perfect Valentine!
Dear lovers, former lovers and lovers-to-be, isn’t it amazing what this little day known as Valentine’s Day does to us? Suddenly, our life is filled with heart-shaped objects, the colour red and flowers in all shapes and sizes.
Do you smell it? Love is in the air. And just because this only happens this time of the year, I left my cosy office and searched the world for presents to be given to my most loved. Hark and anticipate what I have got:
For my dearest Mike, colleague here at broom, I’ve got a dictionary and don’t we all know that spelling can be a bit tough 		sometimes. My dear Brian will get a shovel and a rake – luxury edition – to make him a true gardener.
Patience will get a course in how to fight her fear of spiders, Anne Quidditch through the Ages and Hengist a survival guide. How delighted the Magpies shall be! Of course, I didn’t forget our poor dear professor in hiding. He shall get a sun tan cream.
See, it’s just so easy to make everybody happy. And I will be the happiest of them all, because I have been able to share my love with them. Happy Valentine’s Day to yours and you!
(VV)

Not Again!
(Muggle World) You Muggles are sometimes really, really daft! Haven’t we told you that it’s not up to you getting your minister out of office? And yet, you’ve done it again. Okay, let’s get it straight:
Our campaign to get rid of vampire Rufus Scrimgeour, our present Minister for Magic, already caused British Muggle Prime Minister Tony Blair to announce the impending end of his political career. And now, even German Muggle followed suit!
Do not misunderstand, we’re quite happy that broom is read and taken seriously, and that you all took our motto of “Resistance Rocks” to heart – but it really does not help our worthy cause of driving Rufus Scrimgeour out of the top job in the magical world! You can play at revolutions as much as you 		like, your petty Muggle politics don’t count for much with a vampire of arrogance and vindictiveness such as Scrimgeour.
But we, your staff of broom, are on your side. Even though you don’t literally help us by doing such stupid things, we are quite sympathetic with everyone wanting to get rid of too old, too incompetent and too unlovable ministers – which, as we were informed, applied perfectly to this strange German (or indeed, Bavarian) minister. So do get rid of him as soon as you can, and then turn to the true cause, the one that will help save your, and our, world in the end: Let’s vote for Arsenio Crumlum and chase Scrimgeour out of the Ministry of Magic!
Resistance Rocks! (ALL)


Disclaimer: All names, characters and places are property of J.K. Rowling and Warner bros., except of those not found in the "Harry Potter" books and movies which belong to Ulrike Friedrich and Kirsten Seelbach. No financial and/or commercial gain is intended.