broom Breaking News
| broom’s investigative investigators lifted the
long-kept secret of the whereabouts of Albus Dumbledore’s twisted twin brother
Aberforth! Read on what they found out by fierce quarrelsome questioning. On a really relaxing visit to the not very brilliant bar, The Hog’s Head, at homely Hogsmeade, broom’s best reporters realized that the elderly endeavouring barman of the equalitarian establishment rather resembled the revered headmaster of Hogwarts, Albus Dumbledore. Not only does the bare-headed barman wear his hair long like |
Dumbledore, he also sports a brilliant beard. His physique permits the
irritating impression of watching a less magnificent man with the same signs
of family likeness. Therefore our inventive investigators coolly conferred that the barman of The Hog’s Head at Hogsmeade is the long-lost twin brother of the headmaster of Hogwarts. We are glad to receive your imaginative ideas on this – but you won’t shake our complete confidence of being right. After all, we were right in the first place about Severus Snape being the horrific Half-Blood Prince! Resistance Rocks. (BC&MF) |
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(Muggle World) Violet Vainglory, greatest gossip of the
Wizarding World, found out about a seriously stupid new Muggle pass-time:
smoking magic mushrooms. | slowly suffocate the smoker. Potent poisons pass through the lungs until they curiously collapse. How the magic mushrooms, usually used in practical potions, entered the Muggle World, can only be guessed. However, most likely the mushrooms made their dreadful debut about the time of Voldemort’s first reign. Hopefully the Muggle healers will be able to help suffocating smokers of magic mushrooms! (VV) |
A Short History of the Most Recent Quidditch World Cups - World Cup 1994
| In the last edition we told you that the World Cup came to England thanks to Scotland’s spectacular victory over Brazil. Romania’s dragons, vampires, and evil spirits didn’t help after all. Which leads us nicely to the last World Cup, of 1994, which took place in England as we said and featured the final match between Ireland and Bulgaria. Those former soviet states prove to be really not-to-be-underestimated opponents. We all know, we think, what happened. Bulgaria’s Seeker caught the Snitch, but still Ireland, thanks to their superb chasers, won. It was a short but very spectacular final, and we enjoyed it particularly |
much because WE HAD TICKETS! We were up in the top row and saw everything –
brilliant. As to what happened afterwards, let’s be silent about that. It was
cruel and unnecessary, and that’s that. Anyway, we are now awaiting the next
World Cup, in 1998. That will be in two years, and we’re not so sure if, in a
situation of a constant threat from Dark Magic, any World Cup can be held.
Certainly not here. We shall see. Let us keep Quidditch
peaceful (as far as that’s possible), and remember: Resistance Rocks! |
broom-e-gram
| December 4, 2006 There was no snow. There was no especially cold weather, either.
However, we weren't much concerned. In our garden, there is eternal summer. December 10, 2006 Unfortunately, it occurred to the staff that they wanted to have a Christmas party - and we had to pay for it, but were not invited. | December 25, 2006 Christmas Day! We got loads of presents, because we decided not to give away any presents at all. We kept everything, that was lovely. December 31, 2006 New Year's Eve! The old year ended with the usual fireworks, this time provided by Weasley's Wizard Wheezes. Simply great, but we doubt a certain Dolores Umbridge enjoyed them quite as much as we did. (ALL) |
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(Hogsmeade) Brian Cullen and Mike Flatley lost by a hair’s breadth against
Sebastian Cook. Merlin’s beard, whoever thought COOK the best of whatever?
He’s a moron, singularly stupid, and his only claim to the title of Best Bad
Boy is actually to be in the ranks of death eaters. Alright, that might be
quite a good qualification that neither Mike nor Brian has. But then, they
have other bad qualities! You shouldn’t judge a book by its coverreally. We’re
really, really angry with you now. But, well, since you wanted this, here we go. But be warned. Sebastian Cook is so stupid. So ignorant. It’s such a futile attempt writing anything about him that even comes close to the truth, we might make things up. Then again, we might also contact our informants and write the bare facts. We’ll see what looks better. And what you deserve, naturally. So behave nicely, and you get a goody. Sebastian Cook was born. He has parents, two, in fact, a mother and a father. But you might have already known that – or perhaps guessed at it. His father is called Colin. He works as a plumber and is a Muggle. Dear Death Eaters, did you know that? That makes, as far as we can count, three people in your ranks who are what you so nicely term m******d. The last | time Colin
Cook encountered a wizard who was not his son was when Willie Widdershins made
the toilets in Elephant and Castle regurgitate. Ministry officials might
remember, don’t you, Arthur? Cook’s mother, apparently, fell in love with Colin Cook when he repaired the drains on the neighbour’s house. There was, as rumours have it, a mighty stink and Philomena Avery, a cousin of that notorious Death Eater’s, went to the window to complain. When she saw Colin, she knew complaints were out of order. Unfortunately, or perhaps not so unfortunately, they had only one son, Sebastian, who in the end turned out to be a wizard. It took some time until Colin Cook realized that his wife was special, but eventually he found out why the knitting needles were knitting his jumpers on their own accord. We think that Sebastian is very like his father in the quickness and alertness of mind. Next month you will find out how Colin Cook found out that his wife Philomena had found out that Sebastian did have some magical abilities and was not a squib. Dear Death Eaters, did you know that as well? Yours, and everyone else’s, BC&MF. |
Travelling Tales 2006
| Actually this is
already our farewell to the holidays, and we’re still not allowed to tell you
where we were. Sod the Ministry of Magic! Well, our last few days were
quite quiet, which was fine, since it was still hot. Tropically so. The only
noteworthy event was an encounter with a cat, perhaps a Kneazle half-breed,
and a dog wild with jealousy. The cat reacted as cats do, the dog as dogs do,
and yes, it was trouble. Animals. Lucky our Kneazle Rascal and our duck
Rosemary get along with each other. Except for the times Rascal tries to eat
Rosemary… Of course, you will be absolutely astonished that we did not go and seek |
adventures. After all we wanted to explore Muggle life in all its facets – the
fascinating, the weird, and the downright idiotic. So of course, we tried
something typical for a Muggle summer. We did sports. You see, Muggles are totally obsessed with looking slim in summer – having the perfect shape for wearing tight bikinis or small bathing trunks on the beach. Bless them, a little spell would do the trick, if not forever, then for a few hours. Enough to impress the opposite sex, anyway. Muggles do sports, which admittedly is healthier and more lasting in its effects. We chose a sport called badminton. You use two rackets and a weird ball. It is |
made of plastic but looks as if feathers have been put into a ball cut into
half. Yes, it is strange. Muggles. You hit the ball, and you run after it, and
it’s all real fun. You see, we are still your adventurous editors numbers one
and two! We travelled back as we came – by train. Muggles left, right, and centre, and us among them. We are so proud nobody found out we’re wizards. So the Muggle Studies lessons with Emerson Dicket finally paid off. And if we get paid enough money, we might go on a new holiday next year. We hope you’ll stay with us until then and even beyond! Resistance Rocks forever! (BC&MF) |
Our 200th Visitor Is Found
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After waiting for several weeks, finally we found out who was the lucky
fellow to be our 200th visitor and therefore win an exclusive, elucidating
interview with broom. His name is Ian, and he’s from Dorset – a county with
remarkably few people, it seems, and loads of pianos. In fact, more pianos
than inhabitants, we were told. Here’s what lucky Ian told us: broom: Congratulations, Ian. How do you feel being our 200th visitor? Ian: Tired, since it’s the first of January. broom: Were you very surprised when our owl contacted you? Ian: Yes. broom: What were you doing at the time? Ian: I was still (here could be your advertising, Google)-ing ‘umbrella’. broom: Pardon? Ian: I’ve been searching for umbrellas on the internet ever since November, because I’m a collector of umbrellas. And that is how I accidentally, unintentionally, involuntarily visited your umbrella-free website. broom: Yes, the internet is full of unpredictable gems, isn’t it? Did you enjoy our magazine? Ian: I didn’t read it. | broom: What do you
mean? Did you only scroll down to see if there were pictures? Ian: Actually, I only automatically searched for the word 'umbrella’. broom: Which, of course, you did not find. So did you by chance happen to spot anything of like interest to you on your page? Ian: No, but if you started a section on umbrellas… broom: Highly unlikely, since the only umbrella of interest should not be mentioned, because Hagrid would get into trouble otherwise. Ian: Hagrid? I’ve never heard of a Hagrid in the Royal Umbrella Society of Britain. broom: Well, you wouldn’t. So may we sum up: You enjoyed broom tremendously and were in desperate need of an umbrella to save your family from getting drenched in your tears of laughter. Ian: Can I send some greetings? broom: You’re welcome to do so, go on. Ian: Well, friends, you won’t read this anyway, but a happy New Year to all the philumbrellians in the world and please visit our website at www.rusob.uk! Thank you. broom: Thank you, Ian. And we include our New Year’s greetings as well. (BC&MF) |
Sudoku
Happy New Year, Severus and have fun with our little treat!
Looking Back on Two Years of broom Part 6
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March 2006 – Long having lived in it we present our new office to you. Closer to nature? Impossible!
April 2006 – For the first time in our history we are detectable in the Muggle internet. More readers, more fame and more money – well, that is at least what we dream of. |
Easter 2006 – Editor’s Corner, our place in your magazine that allows us to pass on all our good wishes to you. Which is exactly the same you can do in Letters to the Editor!
May 2006 – broom goes famous! Mr. Stephen Fry Sir replies to our letter and sends us a picture of his with an autograph of – presumably – his. |
June 2006 – The countdown for our birthday starts once again. One more month and our magazine will turn two years old. In Muggle years that is two centuries. We’re so thankful for everything! This takes us to the end of our tale as it has so far been told. Shall we live happily ever after? Well, why don’t you find out for yourself by remaining our faithful reader! (ALL) |
On Holiday With Slave PhD
| (Somewhere nice to be sure) A lot of people asked
us here at broom how those members of our staff, who really do the work, spend
their free time. Actually, we have already told you how Brian and Mike waste
their free time and, to tell you the truth, they are the ones who do all the
work. However, although they don’t deserve it, but since we are such generous
people here at broom, we graciously grant the slaves a time off every now and
then and here is what one of them is doing: What am I doing in my free time? Well, my last holiday was last year. I didn’t spend it alone but with a fellow slave from work. What did we do? To be precise, we did everything Stephen Fry: We read Stephen Fry, we watched Stephen Fry, yes, we even breathed Stephen Fry – and occasional bits of Hugh Laurie as well. | It was simply hilarious. I can’t
remember to ever have had so much fun… We especially enjoyed a sketch in which
Mr Fry claims to be lovely – which he is, in a non-sexually attractive way, to
us. And why is he lovely? He is lovely because he thinks he is lovely – which
he is in a … Yes, thank you for making it seem like the work for broom was anything but hilarious. You see, there’s not a lot of interesting stuff coming from our staff. However, obviously, although, our slaves never talk so nicely about us, they are easily to be impressed. If you are famous and want to read such niceties about you, why don’t you drop us an owl? As you just saw, we are easily manipulated in your favour. Oh, and by the way, Mr Scrimgeour, sir, don’t even bother to give it a try. (BC&MF) |
Have A Happy Hallow
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(Behind the veil) Daring a long stay in Azkaban, Mike Flatley and Brian
Cullen went into the Department of Mysteries at the Ministry of Magic to find
out about the identity of certain deathly hallows. They went beyond the veil
and found a lot of potential candidates for being the ultimate saint. The first non-corporeal entity they encountered et them with kindness and warm welcome and the words “What the deuce are you doing here, live ones?” There was no sophisticated answer to this but “um… well…”. However, the non-corporeal entity introduced himself as Dante Allegro and offered to be Mike’s and Brian’s personal guide through the shadowy world that is behind the veil. (NOTE: Children should not try to imitate the actions described here! DANGER!) Friendly Mr Dante Allegro confirmed that there were loads of potentially deathly hallows behind the veil and began to list them – obviously, the list would be too long to give | in full, but
here is the first entry: Aodh,
pronounced EE, also known as HUGH. Hang on, E U? That’s something we’ve heard
already. In the Muggle world it means European Economic Community, but
we don’t know why that is spelled EU. In our world, Aodh means fire. So does Hugh. And now, more to the point, the fiery Hugh we are referring to is someone at the Ministry of Magic. Hugh Nolan. Congratulations, Mr Nolan, you made it to the top of our personal list of deathly hallows waiting to kill Harry Potter. That’s of course not for your merits, but just because Aodh starts with an A. Sadly, there is no Saint Brian as yet, but we strongly advise the people in charge of creating saints, hallows and the like to include a Saint Brian Cullen in their catalogue. Brian Cullen is the right man because so far he hasn’t managed to win broom’s Best Bad Boy Board poll. He really deserves a title. (BC) |