broom Breaking News
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(A Warming Up Course) Dear readers, you will well know our pages which are
concerned with the help of teachers and those who try to be one. Of course, we
know that mistakes do occur and are far away from being perfect ourselves,
however, this year one of us was asked to do a warming up course in English and
this is one of the exercises we had to deal with: Infinitives with and without “to” Most public holidays in the USA fall on a Monday so that people can enjoy a long weekend: Independence Day, Thanksgiving Day and Columbus Day. Independence Day is the 4th July. Hang on, that’s not necessarily a Monday, is it? Our head-mathematician just informs us that since 1994 there have only been two Independence Days taking place on a Monday: in 1994 and 2005. The next will be in 2011. |
Thanksgiving Day is the fourth Thursday in November.
Now, we didn’t even need our head-mathematician to solve this one. The
fourth Thursday in November is never a Monday. Columbus Day is the 2nd Monday in
October. Okay, this is also an easy one. This will always be a Monday. To recapitulate: There is a 100% chance that Columbus Day will be a Monday. There is a 15% chance of Independence Day being a Monday (in the next 100 years). And a 0% chance that Thanksgiving Day will ever be a Monday. If you care to remember the introduction: Most public holidays in the USA fall on a Monday so that people can enjoy a long weekend: Independence Day, Thanksgiving Day and Columbus Day. And this is the crap which our children – well, your children – have to learn every day. As broom’s motto is Resistance Rocks, we here at broom decided to uncover the most stupid exercises in exercise books. (ALL) |
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(Muggle World) In a surprise
stroke, Muggle prime minister Tony Blair announced his retreat from the top
job at the Muggle ministries. We here at broom feel a certain raging
responsibility for the moving move. Dear Mr Blair, we honestly never intended to uniquely unseat you. We are not in the ever so slightest concerned in your crap political polls or carefully calculated campaigns. What we are worried about is the terrible threat from a mad mean magician and a moron minister, be he an avid Auror or no. The Muggle world cares a frilly fig for us, and we don’t care a cute Knut for |
them. We want to save our beautiful
bottoms, guys. So if there’s a Muggle bear Blair or
a beastly brown ruling your wheezy world, it’s none of our busy business. And
anyway, if you meaningfully misunderstood our cool campaign of Moon Child for
Minister as a serious signal to get sweet Scots into precious power – you got
it wrong again, Muggles. We want Wood, not some Muggle minister of the
exchequer, whatever that is. So do what you want but don’t blame us for your
raucous revolution. Thanks. (BC&MF) |
broom-e-gram
| October was supposed to be autumnal - only
it was more like a belated summer. That was rather bad for the start of the
Quidditch season, since Quidditch players seem to prefer wind and rain... October 6, 2006 Quite unexpectedly, the elated editors of this mad magazine met old aquaintances and found out that Ghewyn Rhys works at the Ministry. So we were right about Ministry morons! October 17, 2006 No student of Snape's has died yet. But we are waiting for his first victim. Sybil Trelawney predicts this will be Harry Potter. Place your bets at broom headquarters. |
October 21, 2006
Gryffindor's new Quidditch Captain gave his debut in the pitch.
Oh, did we already mention it? The new captain is Harry Potter - as long as
he's alive, that is. October 24, 2006 Brian Cullen went to a Muggle cinema and still does not know how the pictures move without magic. He was thrown out anyway when he tried to change the end of the film. October 31, 2006 Halloween and its special creatures made their way even into the Muggle world. We hope you celebrated this one day of the year when our worlds merge! (ALL) |
Mundungus Fletcher's Secret Secrets
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broom has never hesitated to seek the danger, and so Brian Cullen went
into the depths of the dubious wizard’s underworld. Dodgy taverns and shadowy
corners were what awaited him, but with an experienced companion by his side,
Brian managed to escape unscathed from an interview with notorious petty thief
and criminal Mundungus Fletcher. BC: Mundungus, it’s a bit scary to meet you – you do look odd tonight. MF: Do I? Well, Brian, that’s none of your business, then. BC: What’ve you been up to lately, Dung? We’ve heard a bit but we’d like to get it first-hand. MF: Yeah, I reckon you’ve heard some. As you know I’m in the big business – the really big business with antidotes, yeah, really good ones. Do you know that dried toads make a perfect substitute for dried rats? Yeah, reckon you’ve never heard that but they do. BC: What do you need dried toads for? MF: Works against You-Know-Who’s deadly spells, they do. BC: Dung, you do know this is utter rubbish. MF: Course I do, but the people buy anything. Lots of money out there if you know how to get your hands on it. BC: That’s illegal, Mundungus. MF: You don’t say. I know it is, but the real big money is to be made in illegal business. The only drawback is, you mustn’t get caught. BC: Naturally. Dung, you have been working quite closely with the people fighting Voldemort… MF: Don’t say his name, that’s a bad |
omen. BC: Really, Dung, it’s just like the  , it’s nonsense.MF: The Grim? Where? (takes a swig out of a bottle of Ogden’s) BC: Nowhere. Dung, we’ve heard you’ve done lots of work before you joined the Order. MF: Right. I’ve been everything, you just gotta ask. I’ve been a most successful petty thief, and a seller of stolen things, and a… BC: Dung, are you aware this will be published and the Aurors might arrest you with the charges you just admitted to? MF: Nah, they won’t. They’ve gotta get me first, anyway. And besides, this was years and years ago. BC: Like the robbery of a Harrod’s Christmas tree? MF: Who says I nicked it? Harrod’s sold those, and I got one for a penny or something the like. BC: I see. Well, it was a nice thing to do anyway. However, we’ve been told you’ve been robbing the house of one of your friends. That’s not really the way of a gentleman. MF: I’m not pretending to be one. BC: Yes, but really, Dung! Robbing a friend and selling his stuff – that’s disgusting. MF: I need the money, mate – and that printer of yours over there could make a fair bit of money, if you ask the right people. BC: You’ll keep your hands off that printer, Dung, or I’ll have to jinx you. MF: You try that. Wanna know why I look that strange tonight? BC: I’m not sure if I want to, but presumably the more morbid of our readers do. |
MF: Morbid? BC: Yes. You look like a walking corpse if you ask me, all pale and bloodless. Or a vampire, come to think of it. MF: Vampire’s good, gotta read Lockhart’s account again and try doing the vampire. BC: Dung, give us the reason for your style, please, to get it over with. MF: Exactly, yeah. Well, I’m going to get some more stuff to sell to the right people, and sure as hell people’ll hand it over. Piece of cake. BC: Beg your pardon? MF: Me, I’m going to be a nightmare for them – read that Ministry leaflet? BC: Which one, the one with Dark Mark or the real one? MF: Erm, the real one. BC: Sure. MF: Read about Inferi? BC: Yes. Inferi are… MF: Never mind what they are. I’m one tonight, and sure as anything old grannies will give me their underpants if I asked for them. BC: Mundungus, that’s disgusting. I think we’ll call it a day for today. Thanks for having been here, and hopefully your plan goes wrong. MF: You watch out for yourself, right? Brian did watch out for himself quite well, which he is living proof of: he’s definitely no Inferius but well and healthy and sometimes a bit too vigorous. However, we also have to announce that this interview was about the last talk our interviewee conducted in freedom. A few hours after this interview, Mundungus Fletcher was arrested and charged with the imposture of being an Inferius. (BC) |
broom's Best Bad Boy Board
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Shortly before Voldemort was partly killed (a seventh of him was dead now,
hooray), Hunter Preston was offered a job at Hogwarts on account of his fame as
a teacher for Defence Against the Dark Arts. There he was now, stuck. The news of Voldemort’s death must have come as a severe blow. Not only was his school in Brighton suddenly unnecessary, he was also stuck at Hogwarts where he had spent his most unhappy years. His colleagues did not trust him, and even Severus Snape was wary against him. The only thing Hunter Preston could do was to play along. The first hurdle to take was an official trial before the whole Wizengamot. After all, he was known to have been in Voldemort’s service, and the fact that his school had been unperturbed by Death Eaters made it slightly fishy. But Dumbledore vouched for Preston, as he had already done for Snape, and so Preston was cleared of all charges. He was allowed to teach, and the jury even acknowledged that perhaps no teacher had a better reputation or experience than Hunter Preston concerning Defence Against the Dark Arts. You can easily imagine that Snape fumed when he heard that news. It certainly did not make the two men friends – which afterwards helped Snape greatly. Preston taught without any sign of regretting his life in the shadow of Dumbledore. But secretly he was craving for the glory he had been denied by the sudden end of Voldemort’s |
reign. Surely there had to be a way to find Voldemort. There were rumours that
something sinister was stirring in eastern Europe, but then again, there had
always been rumours about that. The only person Preston knew to be of any help
was Professor Binns, master of History of magic and a dull person except when he
spoke of his subject. Binns grew suspicious eventually, but since Preston’s plans included a branch of magic he had never excelled in – potions – he could get over that particular obstacle easily. Binns died of poison that Preston had made up with the help of a student he had put under the Imperius Curse. It was an extremely clever assault – if it had not been for the cleverness of the students themselves. Preston miscalculated the extent to which rumours run through Hogwarts and the fact that students could have means of gathering information he had no idea of. Having never been into the secrets of the school, Preston was utterly astonished to find himself the target of a crusade by Patience Wood and Anne Symmons. He nearly killed both of them, had the two not been able to stop him. Thus, Hunter Preston met his own downfall on the way to kill Dumbledore. What he said in his trial and how he managed to get out of Azkaban, you will learn in the last edition of broom for 2006. (BC&MF) |
A Short History of the Most Recent Quidditch World Cups
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Fred and George Weasley will introduce us in the following editions of
broom to the fantastic experiences of the World Cup Finals they themselves lived
through. Feel the excitement and the fun – relive moments of eternal glory! There have been a lot of amazing finals in the history of the Quidditch World Cup. But the most gruesome final will have been the last one – with Voldemort’s Dark Mark in the sky and Muggle-baiting in the camping grounds, it certainly has to be reckoned one of the least happy occasions in the world of Quidditch ever. However, Quidditch World Cups have been taking place for ages, and we want you to relive past moments of excitement and encounter the fun of past matches. Since it will be boring for you to read about World Cups from the beginning to the present, we have decided to give you a short overview over the last three World Cups. The very first Quidditch World Cup took place in 1473. It vied with the last final for its cruelty and spectaculars – although that time, in the final between Flanders and Transylvania, the atrocities were restricted to the pitch. Every four years, a World |
Cup is held (a European Cup every three years).
This was later adopted by the Muggles for their soccer cups. The first World Cup
we remember quite clearly took place in 1986. Unfortunately we were not able to
afford tickets, and even our ingenious business did not go as well as we hoped –
the Muggle neighbours were scared by sweets that exploded in their mouths.
Muggles really are weird sometimes. Well, instead of watching everything
ourselves, we sat close to the wireless and listened to the commentary. The
original commentary was in Italian, by some guy called Giovanni Something, but
there was a translation provided. So we learned what passed in the pitch when
the teams of Romania and New Zealand clashed. It was quite a rough match
according to the comment, but it was also fair. In the end, Romania lost by a
margin of only twenty points – the match had taken 10 hours, and both teams had
had to exchange players. Only the Seekers of both teams stayed in the pitch
until the match ended, but then they nearly fell off their brooms in exhaustion.
Man, we would have liked to watch that match! (FW&GW) |
Travelling Tales 2006
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After a refreshing shower we started out to explore another sphere of the
Muggle World: a tutoring institution. Thanks to the Polyjuice Potion
Patience provided for us we were able to take over the roles of two Muggle young
ladies. Needless to say, our lessons were
the best those kids ever had. Furthermore, we were able to correct a mistake by
learning the students the Peter principle has nothing to do with work but simply
means that everybody hates Peter. |
Nature. Brian would have preferred a girl, but there was none there. So he consoled himself with a nice cup of ice-cream. Thus fortified we decided to delved deep into another Muggle pastime: going to the movies. After having found our way through a labyrinth of corridors, we experienced a reality show. We never knew that the American president was that stupid, nor that he was called Joseph Staton. However, we knew that there live three peoplez in Iraq. We learned two crucial lessons in this film. 1. Live your dreamz, 2. don’t throw your body |
bomb
into a dustbin or a body bag will be needed. To our delight our article on the song for You-Know-Who had not been too late for it got featured in the yet anonymous film – the-film-that-must-not-be-mentioned-because-nobody-pays-us-for-it. (P.S.: Your advert could be placed here.) So please let us remind you again, if you are a Muggle, that You-Know-Who only claims to be A. female and B. a singular sensation. To sum it up, it was a really zenzational day. (MF) |
Crossword
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| VI | |||||||||||
| 2 VII | 3 | I | |||||||||
| 4 | II | ||||||||||
| 5 | VIII | 6 | 7 | ||||||||
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| 8 | IV | ||||||||||
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Across
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Down
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The looked for phrase:
W____ ____ ____ ____ ____ ____ ____ ____, ____ ____ ____ ____ ____ ____ ____!
I II III IV I V III VI VII I IV I VIII VI VII
Two More Quidditch Players
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(broom) As we had promised last month, there will be two more Quidditch players for your mobile. For a start, check out our February and our October edition of broom.
Of course, there are some things you will need to build the extension of your mobile: 3 wooden kebab picks 5 pieces of thread 1 needle 1 pair of scissors 1 bottle of glue | Follow the description given in the February edition of our magazine. When you have done so you will have left two pieces of thread and two wooden kebab picks. Attach one piece of thread to one wooden kebab pick, do the same with the other piece of thread and the other wooden kebab pick. You should have two "bows" now.
Take your Quidditch mobile apart and put these two "bows" on the first pick, the one with the snitch attached to it. Add your other players. Finished. If you aren't quite sure about the rules, then please check our February edition. (BC&MF) |
Looking Back on Two Years of broom Part 4
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Come and join us on our tour through
the history and stories of broom.
August 2005 – Dumbledore isn’t dead! We publish our theories on this |
subject but to this day are not able to remove all doubts. September 2005 – Another scandal, we find proof that the back then Minister of Magic is biased. In the course of many articles published against him, broom manages a coup d’état. Ever since we have been trying to get rid of his successor. October 2005 – Sport never comes |
short in broom. We always make sure to report of everybody’s except Anne’s favourite sport: Quidditch. Halloween 2005
– For the first time we publish an article which actually should have appeared
in The Quibbler but due to censors hasn’t.
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