broom Breaking News
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(Germany) broom Breaking News presents you with perhaps the saddest sensation
of the celebrated Soccer World Cup. Many Muggles missed the actual dreadful
decision, but we must tell you it is the terrible truth: Jürgen Klinsmann,
talented team teacher, comical cute coach of the German national team, quite
quietly quitted his job. Although all people protest he did his best, cool Klinsmann had |
had to face omnipotent opposition when the tired team lost any miserable match. It is uniquely understandable Klinsmann did not want to commit himself further – everybody conclusively knew that critics’ clamour would start anew after any lost match. Now Joachim “Jogi” Löw takes on the jeered job. broom wishes him all the best for his non-too-easy task! (ALL) |
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(Wizarding World) Everyone out
there knows that broom has already successfully de-seated one Minister. The
new Minister shows terrible tendencies to censure the media, and so we, as the
lone voices of truth, can only stand up against him and show him the way out
of his office. But who should follow Scrimgeour? There is but one answer: Patience Wood. Even the Daily Prophet once suggested her for Minister for Magic. That was a year ago. But now times have become really sad and dull and dangerous, especially since the tragic death of Albus Dumbledore, we need somebody with the very real chance of finishing Voldemort off. That’s our dear Moon Child. She |
knows everything, the good and the
bad guys confide in her, she can do what Scrimgeour can’t. She can protect us,
fight for us, be like a mother to everyone of us. You think that’s exaggerated? Well, it may be – but only a bit. She’s capable of every kind of magic. Her potions are among the finest, and she’s true to her bones to the Order of the Phoenix. That does not stop the Death Eaters trying to get her to work for them. Her position is unique, and with her powers she can really defeat Voldemort in the end. Help our campaign! Let’s get away with Scrimgeour! Patience for president! Resistance Rocks! (BC) |
Bad Bezoars killed Worthy Warlock
| (Wizarding World) There is but one
ancient antidote to potentially poisonous potions: a bezoar. Everyone knows
this who has ever attentively attended any precious potions class. In those
terrifying times, vile vendors assiduously attempt to make much money with
harnessing hopes. A very dangerous daft dabbling in selfish selling of mediocre medicine has now cruelly caused the dreadful death of the worthy warlock Grinling Gibbons. Gibbons, watchfully working at the mean Ministry of Magic as an audacious Auror, has often been the target for the terror of damnable Death Eaters. Customary curses haven been directed directly at him. Horrible howlers, poisoned pens, cursed cushions – nothing was not |
attempted. Now a whole bulging bottle of watered wine was
sent to Grinling Gibbons. In a letter lying next to it, the beastly bottle was
announced to be carefully cursed: The receiver needs to drink it off in five
minutes after the reception. Gibbons fearlessly fetched one of his sumptuously
stored beautiful bezoars and dutifully drank. He scarcely swallowed the bezoar
for his throat totally swelled. But the bezoar turned out to be a fantastic
fake. Gibbons died in an aggravated agony. Now the Ministry morons are listlessly looking for the immense idiot who is said to be selling fresh bezoars. All of you out there, watch out and consult a cautious potions expert to evade Gibbons’ fate. (ALL) |
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(Hogsmead) A sensational document will be
available on the Muggle internet from this month on. Professor Remus Lupin was
kind enough to assist us in this tough magic which took the whole wizard!
Dear readers, Muggle and magic, we here at broom are happy to present to you a magical map of broom’s headquarters in – well, that is a secret. Ever since we had heard about the famous Marauders’ Map, we have been eager to have a similar document of our own modest flat. Revealing our idea to professor Lupin he kindly agreed to lend us a hand and a wand. It is mainly due to him that we are able |
to show you an exclusive insight inside our office. In fact,
the biggest problem proved to be the transfer to the Muggle internet.
Not being very acquainted with Muggle technology and its drawbacks, we had to spend quite some time before we could realize our project. Now we are proud to offer you this picture. And it doesn’t take too long, we hope! So, why don’t you just join us in our office? We’re always happy to receive guests – as long as they are not part of the Ministry’s destruction of broom squat! Love to all of you and our special thanks to Remus Lupin! (BC&MF) |
“Our Doubts Are Traitors, And Make Us
Lose The Good We Oft Might Win. By Fearing To Attempt.”-
broom-e-gram
We love to surprise you! Therefore broom’s never-tiring
creative heads have found a new heading for small news not in the shape of
BBNs. The broom-e-gram. Just as a telegram, the news are given in short,
comprising nothing but the bare facts. Unlike 3 4 U, the broom-e-gram does not
want to explain things for you. It’s more like a news ticker. So here’s the
very first edition of your very own magical broom-e-gram!
July 6, 2006 The holidays have begun. Thousands of witches and wizards
crowd the beach at Kelpiehead seaside resort.
July 13, 2006 Unexplainable fog rises in south England. Dedalus
Diggle’s shooting stars alarm Muggle weather forecast and enrage the Ministry.
July 19, 2006 A new holiday for Mike and Brian begins!
July 24, 2006 Sadly, the holiday is already over – but do not be too
sad, you’ll get your travelling tales now!
July 31, 2006 Mike and Brian and the team of broom wish to congratulate
Harry Potter for his birthday. Well done, Potter, to have stayed alive and
thriving for another year!
(ALL)
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(The Glorious World Of The Famous) We here at broom did not rest until we had
brushed all our doubts away and set out to attempt and win this interview!
Enjoy, admire and adore it! broom: You are mostly found in Birmingham. How do you like it? SF: One has no great hopes from Birmingham, I always say there is something direful in the sound. broom: How would you describe yourself then? SF: A nice, - respectable, - middle-class, middle-aged maiden lady, with time on her hands and the money to help her pass it…Let us call her Aunt Edna…Aunt Edna is universal, and to those who may feel that all the problems of the modern theatre might be solved by her liquidation, let me add…she is also immortal. broom: What about your husband? How would you describe him? SF: Best image of myself and dearer half. broom: As you are someone famous, what is the thing which causes happiness? SF: Happy the man whose wish and care a few paternal acres bound, content to breathe his native air, in his |
own ground.
broom: Yes, home sweet home, but isn’t it extremely expensive? How do you finance your own home? SF: This little pig went to market; this little pig stayed at home. broom: You’re quite famous as we mentioned before. Isn’t it sometimes hard to remain firmly on the ground? SF: Men might look and live as glow-worms shine, and face the moon: Wise Nicodemus saw such light as made him know his God by night. broom: Nicodemus? SF: Hoped to catch larks if the heaven fell. broom: That doesn’t exactly sound like a reliable basis for the building up of one’s life… SF: And your rooms at college was beastly – more like a whore’s than a man’s. broom: Thanks you’re the nicest guest we’ve ever had, right after the Ministry squad… SF: I believe that since my life began the most I’ve had is just a talent to amuse. broom: Be that as it may…what do you do for the good of society? SF: Doth God exact day-labour, light |
denied? I fondly ask; but patience, to prevent that murmur, soon replies, God
doth not need either man’s work or his own gifts; who best bear his mild yoke,
they serve him best; his state is kingly; thousands at his bidding speed, and
post o’er land and ocean without rest, they also serve who only stand and wait. broom: So, you’re not doing anything at all – sounds as if you were leading an empty life… SF: Serenely full, the epicure would say, fate cannot harm me, I have dined to-day. broom: But you are sort of rich, where does all your wealth come from? SF: O happy fault, which has earned the possession of such, and a great a Redeemer. broom: Yes, I don’t think you should be telling us more about this. What piece of advice will you give to our readers to make their lives better? SF: Fill ev’ry glass, for wine inspires us, and fires us with courage, love and joy. We thank Someone Famous for this interview and our main source The New Penguin Dictionary of Quotations! (MF) |
broom's Best Bad Boy Board
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Even if Hunter Preston’s victims did not necessarily end up dead because he
wanted them to, you must not underestimate him. To all the world and most of all
Voldemort himself, Preston seemed like a blundering idiot. After the accidental
death of Voldemort’s intended seducer-in-chief, everyone assumed Preston’s life
was not worth a single Knut. However, things do not always go smoothly - not
even for somebody determined to rule the world. Fully expecting to face death, Hunter Preston went to meet the Dark Lord after he had received a summons. Until this very moment, nobody knew exactly what had happened in that room in the house of Voldemort’s grandparents. But broom can exclusively reveal the exact words that were exchanged there, due to the memory of a long-lived turtle that happened to pass the house. The turtle (an unregistered animagus, whose whereabouts are currently unknown) reported that there was a long silence after Preston had entered. “You know why I sent for you,” Voldemort said quietly, without turning towards Preston. “Yes, master,” Preston replied. “You failed in the task I set you.” “Yes, master.” “You do not explain yourself? You do not hasten to defend yourself?” “No, master. There is no defence.” “Indeed. This is most amazing. I have |
only known those who failed to crawl and beg and end up facing death in
the most pitiful and despicable way imaginable.” Silence again, then: “I think I
can be of more use alive, master.” “I do not see you are of any use to anybody,
Hunter Preston. Why did your father name you so wrongly?” Voldemort taunted.
Preston laughed without mirth. “He thought I would be a good hunter for souls –
and I can be, if you let me go my own way.” Silence. “Speak,” Voldemort finally
said. Preston seized his chance: “If I get the chance of working on my own,
without being watched too much, I could set up a private school to teach Defence
Against the Dark Arts. I could find out who is talented and lure them away from
Dumbledore’s Order.” Silence again, and the silence got so depressing, said the
turtle, that he wished he could move. But there was a huge snake slithering
along the corridor, and registering every single movement, so the turtle stayed
motionless and strained its ears to catch the next words, which were: “This is
your last chance. Prove that you will not fail for a third time, Hunter Preston.
The next time I will have you killed,” Voldemort said. How Preston fared after this meeting and if he ever managed to set up his school, you will get to know in the next edition. (BC&MF) |
A Song for the Death Eaters
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(The Dark World) As a regular reader of
broom you will have noticed the Christmas song, which we featured in our
Christmas edition. Researches in the Muggle world have shown that there already
was a song, especially created for our dear enemies, the Death Eaters.
We here at broom like to take the occasional outing into the Muggle world of culture. Lately we found ourselves listening to musicals and after having been moved by Les Misèrable we listened to a Chorus Line to cheer ourselves up. You might know the story about several faithful musical protagonists who try to get a job in a certain musical. One of their performances is the notable song One: One singular sensation every little step she takes, one thrilling combination every move that she makes, one smile and suddenly nobody else will do, you know you’ll never be lonely with You |
Know Who.
When we put our earmuffs – or whatever this Muggle device is called – back onto our ears and re-listened to the song, we were quite sure about two things: First, this was about You Know Who. Second, You Know Who is a girl. Both came as quite a surprise to us. One moment in her presence and you can forget the rest and she’s the one. Did more than convince us that this Muggle musical really was about You Know Who as we know him – or her, as we know now. We here at broom listened to it again and again and after discussing our ideas about it, came to the conclusion that this is a song, which is used to recruit new members for the Death Eater squat – or whatever they call themselves. This is something we had never heard about, though, we were informed that there are some songs said to contain |
secret messages when played backwards. We tried this with One. Fortunately all we heard was: Ohw Wonk Uoy htiw, ylenol everybody reven ll’ouy wonk uoy, od lliw else ydobon ylneddus dna elims eno, and so on. In this article we would like to warn anybody out there, however, we especially address our Muggle readers who might not know about He Who Must Not Be Named. Be careful while listening to Muggle music and always remember that there are bad people out there. We here at broom hope to be able to warn you about other dangers in the future. If you happen to find something interesting or doubtful, please do contact your favourite magazine and we promise to undertake further investigations. (ALL) |
Crossword
| 8 | ||||||||||||
| 1 | I | VII | XI | |||||||||
| 2 | ||||||||||||
| 3 | II | |||||||||||
| 4 | III | VIII | IX | |||||||||
| 5 | IV | X | XII | |||||||||
| 6 | V | |||||||||||
| 7 | VI |
Across
1 what most people except of Harry Potter's aunt and uncle are (spelled backwards)
2 delivering magical mail
3 what Harry Potter has become
4 firm for which Mr. Dursley works
5 Dumbledore's favourite sweet
6 where does Mr. Dursley freeze?
7 the word Dudley learnt in the first chapter of the first Harry Potter book
Down
8 seen over Kent, Yorkshire and Dundee in the first chapter of the first Harry Potter book
The looked for phrase:
____ ____ ____ ____ ____ ____ ____ ____ ____ ____ ____ ____ ____ V ____ ____ ____ ____, I II III IV V VI VII VI IV VIII IX IX VII VII V III IX ____ ____ ____ ' ____ ____ ____ ____! XI II XII VI I II IIILooking Back on Two Years of broom
| (The broom Universe) Once upon the time, yes we do think that our story is a fairy tale, so once upon the time – to be exact two years ago – the first edition of broom was to be found in the Muggle internet and distributed by owl post to the various magical households. It was founded to grant a view on our world, which turns around Hengist, Patience and Anne, Hogwarts and of course most famously Brian and Mike.
We would like to use this opportunity to travel back in time with our borrowed Time Turner to re-enjoy some moments of our history: |
July 2004
– Boisterous Ridiculous Omniscient Obscure Magazine meant that we are Misters Flatley and Cullen who promise to provide occasional issues of broom. Nowadays we are BC and MF and provide regular issues of broom!
August 2004 – The Moon over Wogharts rises and never fades. So many of us are waiting full of suspense if Patricia and Sean will ever be able to live happily ever after. September 2004 – The Lost Sandals are found for the first time and readers |
get to know the world of Parry Hotter, a hopeless Wogharts’ firstie.
October 2004 – For all who believe in astrology or just enjoy reading nonsense, the first edition of our very own Horrorscope is published. Halloween 2004 – Lord Lucan pays a visit to broom and killing off some nice persons makes his way into the hearts of our readers. He is also responsible for the scariest Halloween ever. Check out next month’s article when we will take you through some more editions of broom! |