broom Breaking News
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(China) Fearless friends of dangerous dragons are
delighted: a new superb specimen of the savage species has been detected by
daring dragon-hunters in the remotest ranges of cheerless China. Negligent natives knew about the evident existence of Guanlong Wucaii, as they lovingly dub the dragon, for years. “We have often seen the serpent,” said a sinister-looking spinster. The wizarding world in general, however, was delighted with the discovery. “Now that China cheers about the second species of dangerous dragons, competition can be looked for between |
Guanlong Wucaii and the Chinese Fireball,” said dragon
specialist Goran Trcka. Guanlong Wucaii is the Chinese charming name of “Crowned Dragon of the five-coloured Rocks”. It is particularly pleasant since the darling dragon sports a superb kind of bony crown and changes colours according to the rocks it sunbathes on. The Ministry Morons perhaps plan already to illegally import one of them as the fourth fire-breather for the next Triwizard Tournament. Anyway, congratulations to China and its beautiful baby! (HA) |
| Boring bad news are brought to you
by broom. Unable to invent new news or old olds we decided to do another
article about us! Currently we’re calculating how many lines are needed for a neat new broom. Our office is outrageous! Cherries are coming on our cherry tree and the sweet smell of Brian’s shoes share the air with something starting with an ‘s’ which we cannot |
think of right now! Brian is placed at his table while Mike makes a mug of mocha so that work will be worth while. Outside the sun shines and clouds come and go. Boring birds pass our window winking or waving at the workers below. Woe or worry are not known to this rare race. We wish we would be a boring bird. At least we wouldn’t have to write witty words like these. (no one) |
| (Hogwarts) Callous caretaker Argus
Filch has got his heart’s hottest desire when being after all allowed to use
wily whips. broom’s investigative informant Violet Vainglory set out to the
darkest destination at Hogwarts. On my last exclusive excursion to the haunted halls of Hogwarts, I discovered devilry of the cruellest kind. Fiercely following the extinct edicts and dreadful decrees of the fallen former Headmistress Dolores Umbridge, capable caretaker Argus Filch steadfastly sticks to his dearest dream of being able to torture and torment sweet students. Fiendish Filch really |
revealed that he wished to own a terrifying torture-chamber
in the dreadful dungeons of Hogwarts. Unfortunately, fearless Filch adds, the
dingy dungeons are the permanent premises of Severus Snape. But the careless caretaker cherishes his
childhood fantasies and especially elaborates on the useful usage of whips,
iron pegs and mean murderous medieval mechanisms. However, sophisticated
students shouldn’t worry: the cool current headmaster, Albus Dumbledore, will
never permit the persistent perilous phantasms to come to pass. (VV) |
Travelling Tales
| Although we had sworn never again to use our feet to an excess, we broke that oath and walked again. It was definitely worth it, every minute of it! But let’s start at the beginning. There was a town nearby our holiday resort which was said to be the smallest town of Europe. Founded in the 13th century, it had beautiful fortifications with towers, walls and a fortress. However, not much of the splendour remained – or so we thought at first. But the moment we arrived we were faced with a magnificent gate tower. Through cobbled stone streets, along | nostalgic houses, we walked and walked until we reached the
hill with the remains of the quite impressive fortress. That being not enough excitement for the likes of us, we even mounted the tower and enjoyed the view from up there. Muggles might refrain from walking downhill again – but there’s a beautiful park, and anyone able to Apparate can go there at will. We were good wizards and did not Apparate in Muggle territory. Instead we helped ourselves to some delicious ice-cream. Sadly, this was our last adventure. Even |
the best holiday comes to an end
eventually. However, we must not be crestfallen – there’s always a next year,
of course, and sure enough, as long as we’ve still got our wands undamaged and
our heads on our shoulders, we will go on a holiday. Don’t let yourselves be
dragged down by dire warnings and fatal fear. You can do what you like, and
the more people dare to resist the better your chances of a normal, peaceful
life. Resistance Rocks, and if resisting means going on a holiday – do it! Yours, Brian and Mike |
Inside Outside – broom’s Newly Decorated Office
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(Brian’s & Mike’s office) As you know broom’s own two editors – please note that
it is ‘own’ and not ‘only’ – Brian and Mike went on a holiday to become
intellectuals. Unfortunately this plan failed, however, the two did not fail to at least achieve some improvements. Brian: Yes, thank you for this introduction. As a matter of fact, these improvements have turned second nature to us so fast that we missed to inform the broad public about it, namely you. Mike: Exactly, and therefore we decided to write this article to give you a brief overview over the changes. Brian: We should not forget to thank |
Fred and George Weasley as it was them who
performed the changes. Mike: You will certainly realize that we did not let them turn our office into a swamp… Brian: …that would have been mad… Mike: …so we decided to let them add a cherry tree… Brian: …a fir tree… Mike: …a copper beech... Brian: …a cypress… Mike: …a catkin… Brian: …an ash tree… Mike: …grass… Brian: …and not to forget the occasional flower! Mike: In short: We converted our office into a garden. It’s obvious that you will envy us, therefore we will |
provide a map similar to the Marauder’s one. Our
friend Mr. Lupin provides the knowledge and the skill to perform the charm. And
we shall see to it that we add a little action to it. Brian: But back to our office. We turned our office into a natural resort providing niches for all sorts of endangered species, like our headprinter, for example. Mike: Not to forget ourselves. There are certain safety precautions helping us to stay un-persecuted or at least un-caught by evil forces such as the Ministry of Magic. Brian: So, if you take a stroll and pass a rather foresty building, why don’t you drop in. We will always have a cup of tea for welcome visitors! (Employee & Brian & Mike) |
broom's Best Bad Boy Board
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Last time, we left our little Hufflepuff Hunter Preston at Hogwarts trying to
struggle through life at a school which demands much more than just some
wand-waving. Needless to say, neither Leonard nor Persephone Preston were very
happy about their younger sibling’s performance in most subjects. But one thing
stung them especially: Hunter was a failure at Defence Against the Dark Arts! Yes, everybody, he was. You may remember having been taught in the self-same subject by him – the editors of this your favourite magazine were – but Hunter Preston himself was never quite up to performing well in this subject. The thing was, Hunter was too afraid to do much. It was so easy to frighten him! Just make his shadow move apart from his body, and he would go frantic. He ended up in the Hospital Wing every second day and had to be soothed by a hot chocolate. Hey, wait. Perhaps that was the reason why he freaked out regularly. He just wanted a cup of Madam Pomfrey’s superb hot chocolate. That’s a thought worthy to pursue… But back to the main topic: One unhappy day, little Hunter decided he needed some practical experience in the Defence Against the Dark Arts. Who better to ask than the uncrowned |
prince of the year? So he and Severus Snape set out at night to try some tricky
jinxes. Now, you might wonder how those two got together – the one being a nasty
little Slytherin git, the other a rather helpless, plundering Hufflepuff. It’s
quite easy. Both were loathed by their fellow students, and both had troubles
with their family – what is more natural than that two 13-year-old boys find
each other? However, this time, Hunter found out that a friend from Slytherin is worth three enemies in your own house. Snape was of course eager to impress his house fellows, not the least shining Leonard Preston. For Leonard, cool and unimpressed, was the one who decided who was worthy to be known and who wasn’t. (His brother Hunter wasn’t, of course.) So Snape took the chance and Hunter Preston, instead of learning some of the very creative jinxes Snape was able to perform, ended up – in the Hospital Wing. You can imagine this did not really endear Snape to him… Next time we shall see what will become of Hunter Preston in his last school years, and how he finally managed to scrape an E in Defence Against the Dark Arts. (BC&MF) |
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This March sees a complete new site of broom. Humane as the authoresses and
authors of broom are – well, at least some of them – they decided to help them
out. broom presents proudly two new sites to which teachers can fall back upon. The first site provides interesting information on all sorts of things. And as the time passes we hope to broaden the variety. The second is full of questions concerning the things we told you. This |
will grow, hopefully, at the same speed as the first site. You must not think we’re dead clever, though we are, as you will already have noticed. No, the thing is that as we cruised the muggle world we realized that broom is not necessarily good for muggles to learn about muggle things or for witches and wizards to learn about muggle things. Another drawback is that as we tend to play with words and write down what’s |
in the dictionaries up and down it is not the ideal place to learn English
either – if you’re a non-native speaker, that is. You might be well-versed in English and you might want to share your love for broom with younger people. Tata! There come in our two new sites! Isn’t that something? We dearly hope you will enjoy our new offer and use it whenever possible. As always we will be very happy to receive your feedback. (MF&BC) |
broom Bothered About Bad Behaviour
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(The Western World) Dear readers, usually you know us as an unconventional
and disrespectful fun-magazine, however, today we would like to talk about a
very serious topic. You may have heard about certain |
caricatures showing the Islamic prophet Mohammed; we would like to distance ourselves from anybody who produces or publishes such things which must hurt the religious feelings of our fellow beings. We hereby apologize to anybody who believes in Allah, Mohammed and their |
teaching. We fully understand your feelings. Of course, we know that this does
not change a thing but we do protest with this article against the treatment,
the mistreatment, of our fellows. (ALL) |
Crossword
| 1 | 2 | ||||||||||
| I | 3 | ||||||||||
| 4 | 5 | X | |||||||||
| II | |||||||||||
| 6 | |||||||||||
| 7 | |||||||||||
| 8 IX | 9 | III | |||||||||
| VIII | |||||||||||
| 10 | IV | ||||||||||
| VII | |||||||||||
| 11 | VI | V | |||||||||
Across
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Down
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The looked for phrase:
W____ ____ ____ ____ ____ ____V____ ____ ____ ____ ____ ____, I II I III IV I I IV V VI VII VIII ____ ____V ____ ____ ____ ____! IX I I X VIII IX
Letter to the Editors
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Violet Vainglory’s search for a Valentine has inspired a reader to write
about his experiences with Valentine’s Day. Here’s the letter by Simon
Winterbottom that reached us: Dear Brian, Mike, and Violet, I do like broom, and I do like your style, but Violet’s heartless search for a Valentine has made me feel angry and hurt. Are all women looking for love in such a way? Then they are worse than men, I can tell you. I’ve never just set out on February 14 to find someone to give flowers to. Violet has behaved in an outrageous way, I think. Let me tell you about my experiences: I’ve had a girlfriend for ages, Susan, but she ditched me for my best friend last month. A week before Valentine’s Day, | you
see, and I had already arranged for us to spend a romantic weekend in the
country. Susan said she’d take the weekend and spend it with my best friend. You
can imagine how angry I was. So I set out to find a woman who was different than
Susan. Instead of finding a woman, I just sat around in bars and places, watching helplessly. Since that would be very suspicious behaviour, especially these days, I bought myself a paper to distract myself – broom. And then I read Violet’s article, and saw the women around me in a new light. That perfect blonde smiling at me, was she just bargaining for a weekend in the country? The cool redhead, was she just waiting for a diamond ring? Were women | programmed to get the most
out of men? It left me so disillusioned and afraid that I went back to my flat and have never ventured out since then. Thank you for opening my eyes about women. I’ll certainly never again date one. Yours, Simon. We did not want Simon to become so depressed, of course, and not all women are like Violet. In fact, we can quite safely say that no woman is like Violet. Simon, we’re sending you the address of a nice girl who will not want diamonds or weekends in the country, but a nice man to take care of. Sorry for the disillusionment! (ALL) |