broom Breaking News
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(The World) On terrific TV and roaring radio, Dustin Dulles found fantastic,
superb spots advertising average products. His report is an informed insight
into the idiotic deluded depths of Muggle media. As the several speakers of such spots say, their job is to advertise the average assault on the taste and eyes of their lovely listeners or vulnerable viewers. However, since advisable advertising needs clever clips of weary wisdom, writers of spots tend to find such lines as “I am a hazelnut from Italy”. “I am tasty.” “Fruit alarm!” “Excitement – Fun – and Chocolate.” You |
get my meaning. Undoubtedly, my first favourite is the first-mentioned hazelnut from Italy. If you ever happen to hear the hilarious spot, be prepared for a husky male voice sounding bored to the utmost being a hazelnut. Cute kids and allegedly lovely animals usually work just as well as dumb dialogue, so you often observe both in combination. Dear fellow witches and wizards, whatever you can say about the advantages and disadvantages of Muggle media – advertising clearly is their weakest spot. (DD) |
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(Wizarding World) Mean Ministry morons have set out on a
cruel crusade against the Moon Child, openly declaring her to be an insane
imbecile. broom has exclusive evidence that this is due to the rebellious
refusal of our Moon Child to work for the morons there. Patience Wood has openly and obstinately acknowledged that the new meddling Minister made an obscure offer to her to work as a brave beacon of hope for the mad Ministry. Predictably, Patience cancelled cooperation. We candidly congratulate that daring decision – besides, being harassed by |
the Ministry and having been abysmally abused as recently as
last summer, nobody in their right minds could have approached Patience with
serious suggestions of success. Since the dumb Daily Prophet avidly assumes the despicable duty of reporting rumours rendered by Ministry morons, broom breaks the ban and announces at once that nobody could be of clearer mind and undoubted understanding of the savage situation than the much-assaulted Moon Child. Patience, we support your every move! (BC&MF) |
| (Wizarding World) Now that Vicious
Voldemort has repeatedly revealed his rare ability for murder and menace, it
was only a menial matter of time until his warlike wrath hit members of our
community. Sorrowful sources say the last lives taken were those of Emmeline
Vance and Amelia Susan Bones. Murder is always mean, no matter what minions of the evil elaborate. Especially vile were the cruel killings of two terrifyingly brave and wary witches. Emmeline Vance was a much-loved member of the Order of the Phoenix, a greatly |
gifted witch with powers known by everyone. Nevertheless,
she ended up definitely dead on the floor of her own house. Amelia Susan Bones was, of course, highly-respected head of the department of magical law-enforcement. Many marauders and magpies have encountered her in the course of long cool careers of minor offences. Fair but stern, Madam Bones always found the verifying verdict. broom wishes to preserve the melancholic memories of both witches and to clandestinely condole their families. (Everyone) |
Travelling Tales
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Deciding we needed some spiritual guidance we went to visit a church –
and consequently we also needed some new culture – hey, lucky there were some
convenient museums near. Although Mr Flatley’s feet, not being used to long
walks, complained bitterly about having to walk a while, we reached the
cathedral in short time. Of course we could have Apparated, but the prospect
of yet another hearing at the Ministry induced us to travel the Muggle way.
The cathedral proved to be vast – and full of graves. Not graves of normal Muggles, oh no, but of the archbishops of the town. Plus there were some nobles as well – | dead – and some minor ecclesiastics. We walked around the
cathedral in wonder and finally found our way into the depth of the crypt.
Sorry, no ghosts in sight. However, an almost as horrible incident happened: We were followed by some Americans and we escaped them with only a minute’s headstart. So we reached the shrine of some holy bones first and decided: “It’s ugly.” The minute’s headstart was done for, and the Americans caught up with us, seeing the shrine and declaring: “Oh, it’s beautiful!” Which proves that some people don’t have an inch of sense concerning arts. |
To get a glimpse at the treasures of the cathedral, we walked through the
collections of medieval stone sculptures and more modern gold and silver
secular and non-secular vessels. As this was not enough for our culture-hungry
minds, we set out to the next museum which was concerned with the printing of
books. Books. Loads of them. Hand-written, printed, with pictures, without
pictures. Minuscule and super-sized – whatever you want. They also showed
magazines and newspapers – but they did not show broom. Fortunately, they
didn’t show the Daily Prophet either. Muggles. Yours, Brian and Mike |
Dear Dark Mark
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broom has already announced the arrival of a new asset in the ranks of the staff
of your favourite magical magazine: Mark Mulligan, who has become famous in the
most infamous way and even turned a symbol of evil. Mike Flatley was not afraid
of encountering the new colleague all on his own in the dark aisles of
Canterbury Cathedral. Why there? Well, you’ll see when you read on. MF: Welcome, Mark. Tell me, a cathedral’s a rather unusual place to meet. Why did you choose this location? MM: It’s sacred ground. Not that that means much to the Dark Lord, but it means something to me. I’ve done my first killing in a church, you see. It’s just fond memories that bring me here time and again. MF: If you kill me now, we’ll stop paying your wages, so you had better think twice about that. MM: I’m not here to kill you. I’ve done my share of blood-shedding in here ages ago – see that shrine? MF: Course I do. That’s the shrine of Thomas Beckett. MM: Exactly. I killed him. MF: Mark, that was ages ago! You can’t possibly have done that! MM: Well, maybe not, but it sure as hell scares the wits out of people when you tell them you assassinated an archbishop right in front of the altar. MF: That brings me nicely to the question of your fame. How did you acquire your reputation as ruthless killer? |
MM: We prefer being called specialists, you see. And it’s easy to get that
reputation once you killed a few Muggles here and the occasional wizard there. MF: So you really killed people? MM: Mike, don’t be so naïve. Of course I did. How else would I have become the symbol of the Dark Lord’s whole reign? MF: I’ve no idea anyway how that happened. MM: Well, the idea was the Dark Lord’s alone. He needed something to show people who was the big boss and to scare them until they couldn’t tell black from white any longer. And that’s where I came in. MF: Forgive my saying so, but the skull with the snake protruding from its mouth doesn’t really depict you. MM: No, no, but it bears my name. And the tattoo is cool, isn’t it? (displays a tattooed naked man on his upper left arm) MF: Excuse me, Mark, are you sure you’re really in Voldemort’s employ? MM: Sure. I’m best mates with the Dark Lord and the Death Eaters. Only last night I had a butterbeer with Lucius. MF: You visited Azkaban? Scary. MM: No, why should I? MF: Mark, Lucius Malfoy is locked up in a nice little cell in Azkaban. And the other Death Eaters we’ve seen have a tattooed skull and snake on their left arm, not a naked man! |
MM: Really? That’s, um, strange… I thought… But my nickname’s really Dark Mark! MF: Very fine. Maybe you’ll find a way to make money out of that besides cheating us into paying you for news from the Death Eaters. MM: Was that all you wanted to talk of? Only, my mum’s waiting with the dinner. MF: You can go to mummy, yes. And Brian and me will have to discuss if it was really wise to let you in at broom. Maybe we had better recruit a real Death Eater.  (No One) |
broom's Best Bad Boy Board
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In a surprise landslide victory, Hunter Preston, member of the infamous Axes of
Evil, won the election for broom's Best Bad Boy of 2006. Consequently, we
present you the first few information on this man. Him? You elected him? You had the universe’s Best Bad Boys, namely your favourite magazine’s editors, as a choice – and you voted for Hunter Preston?! We are deeply mortified. But your choice is law to us, and so we have dug deep into the murky waters of history and found the story of a capital criminal with the unfortunate tendency to get caught. Hunter Preston is the son of Diana and William Rufus Preston of Knutsford. He was the third child, and the last of the couple. His elder brother Leonard was killed when he tried to attack Dedalus Diggle. His elder sister Persephone is married to |
Augustus Rookwood and was lucky not to end up in Azkaban with her
husband – she claimed to have been under the Imperius Curse. Young Hunter was always told to look down on Muggles and Muggle-borns as inferior beings. He was expected to be as brilliant as Leonard and Persephone, but it seemed as if the older siblings had already received all the brilliance in the family. William Preston joined the Death Eaters quite early, eagerly followed by his wife. Needless to say, the three children heard only good of Lord Voldemort and his campaign, Leonard and Persephone were already at Hogwarts, in Slytherin, when their little brother joined them. And this is where we will continue the tale next time. (BC&MF) |
A New Pope Popped Up
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(Christian World) After the death of Pope John Paul II a new Pope was elected
– no matter under which circumstances. Highly praising and deeply doubtful broom
reported. As the old year ended and the new one was about to start, we learned that there will be a new class at the Vatican School for High Priests: Exorcism! |
Since we know that there are such things as demons we welcomed this
fact – until we spoke to Mr. Brewster-brown, former Defence Against the Dark
Arts teacher at Hogwarts and the leading demonologist, we’re not that sure any
longer. Mr. Brewster-brown pointed out that if an exorcism is done in the muggle way |
the process can be very painful and even end with the death of the
victim. Moreover muggles cannot be sure if it really is a demon or not, so it
might all be done in vain. Our advice to all who think a demon has taken possession of them is to consult the next auror or demonologist. If anyone they will be able to help! |
Reflections On The New Revolution in France
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The last year has seen riots in France. Countless of young people went out
onto the streets to protest against their situation. They shared a dream: to be
a worthy member of society. Positive as their aim might have been their means were destructive and did not allow the obvious glimpse of their aim. Burning cars and kindergartens have never been a sign of a useful member of any society except the anarchists. |
Do not get us wrong, we here at broom do understand these youths,
however, we disapprove of the way they handle things. Instead of burning down a
building they should have built up one. By burning down something you will
destroy a society by building up something you will improve it! Our sort of colleague Edmund Burke claimed that the age of chivalry was over and that the era of sophisters, calculators |
and communists, no sorry, that should be economists had dawned. We
here at broom urge you not to let the time of terror start! Fight if you find something worth fighting for, but do so in a constructive way. Erase the things you disapprove of by creating them anew in the way you want them to be. Force has never led to anything good. In this spirit: Resistance Rocks. |
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(Muggle World) Muggle Germany faced a chancelloress, some thirty years after
muggle Britain has done so, and 50 years after magic Germany and ten years
before magic Britain will do – according to Professor Trelawney. However, this did not come as a surprise as previous to the muggle German election the magic British voters decided to have a go with an outsiders, too, and went to vote for Rufus Scrimgeour, a | vampire though denying
it. It’s up to you to decide which choice was the better one. We here at broom do wish the former all the best and allow ourselves to keep quiet upon the latter. One question remains, though, who’s gonna be the first female Minister for Magic in Great Britain? Our favourites are beautiful Glenda Symmons, though her sister remarks there won’t be much of her beauty left then. Other possible candidates are her clever sister Anne and | her best friend
cunning Patience Wood, both of whom will be beautiful to us in no matter how
many years. If either liked to run an election, we here at broom will be happy to be as supportive as possible. As we are informed by a certain Patience Wood there already was a sort of female magic Minister in Britain, just before Cornelius Fudge took over... Anyway, we will be here if you need us. (BC&MF) |
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