broom Breaking News
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(The World) Terrific trendsetter Violet Vainglory found plenty of
extraordinary evidence that not only the Wizarding World but the Muggles as well
find broom best-suited for openly declaring sides. Here is Violet’s very amiable
account: During my self-imposed search for signs of the stylishness of THE magazine, I happened to read an article about a fast-developing town somewhere in the north. Muggles tended to talk of ‘boomtowns’ in such cases. Seeing the immense superb success of our mundane magazine, they re-christened the expression into ‘broomtowns’. But not only ordinary Muggles use broom for their benefit. Lately, US superstar singer Bryan Adams published his new album, dedicated to the fight of the Dark Arts: broomservice. The single of the same name sold millions! Even the nobility of Cornwall shows that they are up-to-date. At Pride-o’-Place in Cornwall, the family of Pride-o’-Prune has decided to change their name to show that they, even though |
Muggles, want to fight Voldemort actively. If you want to reach them now,
address your letters to the Pride-o’-brooms! And just yesterday British shooting star, sexy Orlando Bloom, announced he would change his surname into – yes, folks – broom! If that isn’t an open sidling with our cause! Thanks so much, Orlando, and if you happen to drop by in Hogsmeade, make sure you’ll meet yours truly! However, the best broom-supporting action came from a rather unexpected corner. The publishing house that publishes the famous Harry-Potter-books (to which we owe our entire existence) decided to change their name. So, dear magicians and Muggles, the last Potter-book will be published under the new name: broomsbury. Please do as those famous examples have shown and show your own faith in the Wizarding World’s No 1 resistance Magazine! Order our T-shirts – erm, sorry, they’re not for sale… I mean, cut out our logo and wear it with pride! Thanks for your support. (VV) |
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(Wizarding World) Even though the cautious call was for an
enlightened election, rumours have it that Rufus Scrimgeour, formerly head of
the Auror Department, has been appallingly appointed Minister for Magic without
the vital vote of the people. Rufus Scrimgeour has been appointed to save the Wizarding World from the terrible terror threats of vicious Voldemort. However, as you may readily remember, broom has gleefully given you some chance choices before. Sadly, none of our awarded appointees has made it. Now, what do we know about red Rufus? Nothing much. We do know that the quizzical Quibbler has |
tried to run an article on him being a vile vampire, but that
the mean ministry imposed a brutal ban on that. Hang on, we thought, terrific
news. If the Quibbler is brutally
banned, then there’s some tremendous truth behind the rare rumours. Scavenging Scrimgeour scares the wits out of witless opponents, people say. Yeah, well, easy when you look like a lion. Maybe our new minister is an unregistered anonymous Animagus. And if this BBN is ferociously fried by the mean moronic Ministry, we’ll run a sweet series on all the possible purposes the post of Minister can be used for. To your health, Rufus Scrimgeour! |
| (Hogwarts) One of our
invaluable informants informs us that a turquoise Flying Ford Anglia has been
seen driving dreamily through the Forbidden Forest. As annals acknowledge, the car is not a natural inmate of the fierce forest. Nevertheless, it has found a homely habitat there and rarely roves into the realms of humans. That it is able to fly has been avidly assured us by its former owners, broom’s |
beloved Quidditch reporters F. and G. Weasley. Anyone seeing the valiant vehicle: Stay calm and cool, don’t panic. It is known to attack gruesome giant spiders, but has never yet been human-hostile. Although the cool car has turned wholly wild, it can be tamed. Caution: The Ministry morons forbid everyone to bewitch or even enhance Muggle artefacts! |
Travelling Tales
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Setting out on an odyssey worth of Ulysses we ventured forth to an art
museum to brush up our non-existent knowledge of the fine arts. When we had finally found it, the resident muggle guide gave us an enlightening insight into religion, aristocracy and Bohemian life. The paintings were also worth looking at – but sadly they were not moving. We tried to make one move, but this only set the alarm system going, |
which caused us to hastily leave the
house.
However, one painting must be mentioned because it read: Am in the beach bar.
We decided to follow suit, but somehow ended up not in a bar but in a church.
We always mix up the two. The company was a bit dull, seeing they were only
skeletons and no ghost in sight, so we decided to make the most of the
beautiful weather and set out for an excursion through the woods. Having heard of a certain magical stone, |
we knew we just had to visit it. This
turned out to be another odyssey, plus a march worthy of Achilles, but we
found the stone alright. As it turned out, the stone wasn’t magical at all
apart from the fact that it was unplottable. The deer and boars we met on the
way made up for this disappointment. So never believe muggles telling you
something is magic. Yours, Brian and Mike. |
broom would like to present an article which previously had been banished by our dear censor:
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(The Wizarding World) We here at broom are delighted to convey to you,
dear readers and browsers through, the first unofficial with the half-aristocrat
half-he-doesn’t-want-to-reveal-to-us-yet. Brian Cullen posed some intelligent
but mostly stupid questions which the half-blood prince was royal enough to
answer. BC: You are the most speculated person about here at broom right after all the authors and authoresses. How do you feel about that? HBP: Okay. BC: Being a half-blood prince there must have been many duties during the past. HBP: No. BC: Certainly, all the girls must be after you. It must be a very good feeling to be |
so popular. HBP: Yes. BC: It seems that in contrast to us here at broom, who dive into the dictionaries to get the most artificial expressions, you are not a man of many words. HBP: Obviously. BC: How do you think you will handle all the interviews and speeches you will have to give? HBP: Well. BC: Why don’t you tell us more about yourself, like, what is your hobby? HBP: Being quiet. BC: And what would be the most discernible feature of your character? HBP: Being quiet. BC: How will you spend the time until your true identity is uncovered? HBP: Being quiet. |
BC: Is there any piece of advice you would like to offer to our dear
readership who might be of royal blood or maybe at least of half-blood? HBP: No. BC: Do you have a piece of advice for your interviewer and the magazine he is working for? HBP: Yes. BC: Let me guess, being quiet? HBP: Exactly. BC: This is a piece of advice which was passed to you by a wise counsellor, isn’t it? HBP: Right. Unfortunately, our reporter Brian Cullen misunderstood and left. He had always confused left and right. (No One) |
broom's Best Bad Boy Board
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An anonymous informant brought a mysterious document to us that reveals a new,
even darker secret about Ramon Vargas. You might want to check on the
information about the Vargas-family we gave in the first editions of the
Best Bad Boy Board, but in the meantime just keep in mind that, 15 years ago,
there has been a fruitful alliance between Vargas and the potions-empire of the
Italian Mattei-family. The document we got will give you an insight into what is
still to come. Here it is, as an exclusive publication. Note: Ministry officials and especially Aurors are recommended to act immediately. We agree on the following terms to create an alliance to help and strengthen the power of Lord Voldemort: 1. To make his agents, known as the Death Eaters, able to have access to the substances they need at any time, the family of Mattei and their firm agree on supplying anything asked for within the shortest time-span possible. |
2. The family of Mattei as represented by Angelo Mattei and their firm agree to
deliver all substances directly to the family of Vargas as represented by Ramon
Vargas or one of their trusted associates, but none other unless it be
explicitly ordered. 3. Any dealings of whatsoever kind with Lord Voldemort or his Death Eaters must be made via the family of Vargas alone. The Dark Lord wishes not to be contacted directly. 4. Should any of the former agreements be violated there will be but one punishment: Death. There is no need to seal this agreement with an Unbreakable Vow, for the Dark Lord will know about any breach of promise immediately and will act accordingly. The parties agree on all points. Santa Giovanna della Rocce, Ramon Vargas, Angelo Mattei. Is that finally proof enough to send Vargas into Azkaban? |
The Lost Sandals
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Finally, broom managed to get hold of the latest chapter of the greatest epic
of our times. The enchanting story of young Parry Hotter on the exciting quest
for his beloved shoes continues! Ringwraiths break-in latest Investigations continue into the break-in at Ringwraiths on 31 July, widely believed to be the work of dark wizards or witches unknown. Ringwraiths’ boglins today insisted that nothing had been taken. The vault that was searched had in fact been emptied the same day. ‘But we’re not telling you what was in there, so keep your noses out if you know what’s good for you,’ said a Ringwraiths spokesboglin this afternoon. ‘Wow!’ Parry thought. ‘They covered up the first break-in by telling the please-force of a second one!’ He himself had been there earlier on July, 31st and witnessed how Raghid had emptied the vault. A clever man he was Raghid. |
Even Parry had believed that everything was taking the correct paths but now Raghid
was discovered. Parry made him confess and returned the loot to its rightful
owner Ater Mumblefore. From that day on the relation between Parry and Raghid cooled down a bit, however, not because he had dug him in. It was due to the fact that Parry had used the opportunity to get his hands on Raghid’s second chair and now he would not let go off it again – and neither did Raghid. They made a peculiar couple. Okay, at first it was quite uncomfortably but during the weeks of their close connection they both got used to the new situation. Parry even managed to carry Raghid’s weight when he decided to sit down as well. Fortunately Parry missed some classes so he would not get the full blast of his teachers’ dislike and he made sure to not miss a single one of professor Cape’s lessons. And it meant no more sleeping on his straw sack. Raghid liked to stroll around the Whorehidden Wood and |
therefore Parry did not get a lot of sleep.
Every time he got a nasty splinter into his foot Raghid would tut and say ‘pity
you lost your sandals!’. One day Parry woke up because of a sound. He checked, his hand was still clinging fast to the chair. There it was again. Hagrid’s hand held the chair tight, too. There it was again. The kettle seemed to be the source of the sound. Parry could not have a closer look but all of a sudden Raghid got up dragging the chair and therefore Parry with him to the kettle. He put on a thick glove and took an egg out of it. He placed it on the table. ‘Yummy!’ The ever-hungry Parry thought. “Dummy!” Raghid said. “This is no food. It’s a baby Ragdon.” And indeed a tiny Ragdon crawled out of its shell. In the next edition you will learn how Parry managed to get on the Dikwitch team and why a good player needs no sandals. |
Crossword
| 1 | ||||||||||||||
| 2 | 3 VII | |||||||||||||
| IV | 4 I | 5 | ||||||||||||
| 6 | XI | |||||||||||||
| 7 | IX | III | ||||||||||||
| 8 | II | |||||||||||||
| X | ||||||||||||||
| 9 V | ||||||||||||||
| VIII | ||||||||||||||
| VI | ||||||||||||||
Across
1 a serious colour
4 flying vehicle, magical, not a turquoise Ford Anglia
6 Professor Snape
7 dangerous animal, used to be a pet of Hagrid's
8 one member of the Chudley Cannons
9 speaks parselmouth, not Harry Potter
Down
1 christian name of the author of 'A History of Magic'
2 a magical species
3 enchanting person, not Professor Snape
4 Christian name of one author of broom
5 its scream will kill you, not Professor Snape
8 family name of 4
The looked for phrase:
____ ____ ____ ____ ____ ____ ____ ____ ____ ____ ____! I II III IV V VI VII VIII IX X XI
Corgy and Puss – An Insight into Muggle Culture
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(Muggle World) We here at broom are known to be keen to look at the muggle way of life. This time we take a look at muggle culture, namely the theatre. To help you understand our muggle friends we will give you a summary of a muggle play: Corgy and Puss. Once upon a time, Puss loved Corgy and Corgy loved Puss. They were often seen eating spaghetti together, however, their families were against this relation. Therefore the two ran away – with a ship. Unfortunately the ship sank and all people drowned, but the captain, Corgy and Puss survived. Puss was with the captain and disguised herself as a man and taking on the name of Corgy. Corgy didn’t | know that Puss had survived.
Corgy met the devil who tried to persuade him into selling his soul. Puss met a witch who gave her red shoes, which by being clapped thrice took her back to Corgy. When they met again Corgy asked Puss a question, unfortunately we have forgotten which. She seems to have given the right answer and Corgy danced and sang in the rain. Then they decided to wait for a certain person who is announced to come several times but never arrives. They ate a banana and rode into the sunset. Corgy gave Puss a ring, which made her invisible. As a consequence of this they threw the ring and all their treasures into the Rhine. They decided to get married | and called for a big feast to which the locals were asked to present plays.
In one of the plays a king was murdered and Corgy turned away in shame. A private detective showed up and arrested Corgy who turned out to be a professor. Puss went to a nunnery and turned into a singing nun. Later on she married a widower with a dozen children – who all sing – and toured America with them. And they all lived happily ever after – apart from Corgy. Quite confusing, don’t you think so? But we might have mixed something up for it doesn’t seem to make sense at all, then again, it is a muggle story…(BC) |
Editors' Corner
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Politics Makes You Ass of the Nation Yes, yes, dear readers, I do remember that we here at broom do honk the horns against our revered politicians just like everyone else except the Daily Prophet. But still, there are decent people at the Ministry, only: they’re usually not those in powerful positions. Now, who is the media’s darling politician these days? Our Minister? Yes, and of course the black sheep par excellence, Cornelius Fudge. While the one is the brave hero, standing up against the Dark Forces (after ignoring them for |
nearly
two years), the other is bad, no, worse, he’s weak. Just because he has followed
the lead of others. That’s no sin,not compared to ignoring a threat that might
kill more than three-quarters of all witches and wizards and enslave the
survivors forever. Hang on – it was Fudge alright who ignored murderers! But
loyal, trusting men like Arthur Weasly got the full blast of indignation and
disdain. However, Fudge and Scrimgeour are the people in power, but who gets the blame? Exactly, those who are working under their orders. Thus, politics can make you a victim of abuse: |
verbal abuse, but also rather bodily assaults like curses sent
by mail. Politics makes you poor guys at the Ministry the asses of the nation.
We are with you. Join our campaign, do something against those in power, make
them open their eyes and don’t be afraid to speak your mind. It’s alright to be
not conform. It’s alright to work against what you think is a wrong. Stand up,
get faces, be brave. We will help you. So, let’s make Minister Scrimgeour the
sole ass of the nation, shall we? Resistance Rocks forever, folks! Mike Flatley |