Obituary
| When we look into the
sky, your namesake smiles down at us. We will never forget you! In memoriam Sirius Black, our beloved cousin and friend, whose bravery and loyalty was and will always be unrivalled. May he stay in our hearts for all time. In the name of all who mourn for him, Nymphadora Tonks & Patience Wood. |
broom Breaking News
| (Hogsmeade) Due to the dangerous disinterest of Death
Eaters in our monthly magazine, broom brought brave and brilliant Mark
Mulligan into the machinery of the magnificent magazine. Dark Mark as foes and friends are fond of calling him is a deluded dangerous Death Eater himself and stepped up to secure the safety of the sensitive sensible sadists. Dark Mark can be contacted via coin or simply through skull. |
Dark Mark recently refused the responsibility of being
mascot to the master, already appearing as tattooed twit under the
T-shirts of torturing tykes, but promised to protect his pals from peril.
Therefore broom was biased into bearing the buffoonery of the baffling
brute. For reference read rules written for the responsible radicals. Note: The elated editors definitely disclaim real responsibility for freak fables. |
| (London) Due to the fact that everyone is
free to undermine the ministry these days, we, the editors of broom,
thought it best to get our own sneak in there. Having watched with
interest how great statesmen have an entourage of embedded journalists and
private press-staff, broom suggests to the Minister for Magic to get
himself a private press-force as well. There is no doubt, says Rita Skeeter of the Daily Prophet, that the Ministry largely relies on the daily newspaper you all know, which fired the editors of the magazine you’re now reading. However, is it wise for any politician to rely wholly on just one newspaper? Dear fellow witches and wizards, the only time the editors can remember that there has been only one source of news has been under the rule of Voldemort. Yes, folks, the present Minister tries to impose dictator- |
ship on us – press censure – hell on
earth. You think we exaggerate? Yeah, well, have you ever thought back to the time when Harry Potter was not the lone voice of truth but some stupid little show-off? Deluded and mental? Remember that time? And who told us about Potter? Exactly. The Daily Prophet. All the other newspapers don’t have the image, nor the number of readers, consequently everything the Ministry wants to be public will be. Your opinion is being formed for you – unless, yes, unless you keep an eye out on the initials “R.R.” – that’s our man in the Ministry. You shall not know his real name, of course, or else he will be sacked. But whenever reference is to “R.R.”, whenever he gives information or tells the press things, you can rely on it. This is the truth. And you all know what R.R. stands for, don’t you? RESISTANCE ROCKS! |
| Well-known and little liked private
detective Parsley Ratsbane proved to the powerful Ministry of Magic that
even more powerful Voldemort has positively returned. Parsley passed on
the puzzled out to the putrid psychopaths, i.e. the Ministry, and the
pusillanimous public. Prying Parsley prowled in the surroundings of psychic Voldemort and was provided with prospering. Proscribed Sirius Black is presumed innocent while presumed innocent Peter Pettigrew, aka Scabbers, is proscribed. Peter protected the prototypical prosecuted problem Voldemort and promised to propagate his return. It was |
possible for Parsley to be present at a
process of probation in a pentagram of privy persons. Pretending to be a
primitive tree he probed the priority of putting the primogenitor of prey
and its progeny into prison. Priceless Parsley presupposed the faults to prevail so he prepared to produce his precise wand but – the predisposed reader might presage – predictable predetermination precluded the production of the precious wand. The precipitable possums posthaste departed from their position. Otherwise Hey presto, pass! would have been the spell placed by pitiable Parsley. Anyway, thanks for the priceless information and better luck next time Parsley! |
| (Hogsmeade) No news reached the homely headquarters this
weary week. A strange silence fell on the buzzing busy bureaus in
Hogsmeade. A lovely lack of news extended evilly into a week-long abysmal absence of any announcement at all. No news is good news, the equally elated editors thought at first. Maybe irascible |
informants kept great grudges against beautiful broom. Maybe slippery streets were blissfully blocked by dark magic. But when time passed permanently without news, worry woke in the merry minds of Brian and Mike. Apparently, informants inevitably disappeared from duty. Whoever has any information leading to the whereabouts of whoever, please give notice. |
Travelling Tales
| The educated witch or wizard will know how to best get from A
to B – or to whichever letter of the alphabet you want to go. Muggles,
however, haven’t got as many choices and some of their means of transport
managed to arouse our interest. We’re talking about moving on two wheels
(muggles call it cycling). Having been informed about how to do that we thought we might try it. It looks undoubtedly easier than it is – hang on, should that be the other way round? Well, anyway the same applies to cycling as to apparating: You need determination, deliberation and destination (preferably not a pleaseman). A warning to all of you out there wanting |
to follow our example: A bike does not necessarily allow
you to decide on the direction you are taking. On the whole it was quite
interesting although we certainly prefer brooms. As if that hadn’t been enough excitement for one day we set out to explore the dark ages. Always risking the most for our readers, we entered a former lepers’ home. Today’s witch or wizard may have heard of St. Mungo’s in London, curiously enough muggles have places like St. Mungo’s, too. However, instead of healers they employ doctors and in former times barber-surgeons, how pre-Flood. They kept their lepers outside the town |
and made them beg which is quite an economical way to
get rid of the deserving poor. They even tried to mess with magic, very
dilettante, trying to mix their own potions or rather poisons. But at the
same time they used the hill around the house to burn what they thought to
be witches. You might say it can’t get better than that, however, they put up a cross as a reminder that a poor plague-stricken wanderer snuffed it in front of the town gates. Don’t ever again assume that muggles have culture. Happy to say we didn’t contract leprosy, Yours Brian and Mike. |
“You always feel completely naked!”
| broom’s society specialist Violet Vainglory, managed to get
an interview with Melusine Midget. Melusine happens to have fallen in love
with the Wizarding World’s most renowned (but slightly deluded) Dark
Wizard Hunter, Ex-Auror Alastor “Mad-Eye” Moody. This is her touching
story about a love that had to break down thousands of
defences. VV: Welcome, Miss Midget. It really is a pleasure and a favour having you here. MM: Thank you. It’s Melusine to you. VV: Alright, Melusine. How did you get to know Alastor Moody? MM: That was odd! I was called to an emergency at his home. Apparently someone had sent him a bunch of howlers, and the Muggle neighbours complained about the noise. VV: So you work for the Ministry? MM: That’s right. Anyway, there he was and it was his eyes that fascinated me most. The one so vividly blue, the other so shrewd. I just loved them. VV: Not many women would react so favourably. When looking at recent photographs, it is obvious there is a large part of his nose missing, plus this magical eye… MM: Ah, yes, and aren’t those scars |
the visible proof for Alastor’s heroism? VV: You might say so, certainly. How did you manage to convince Moody of your feelings, Melusine? MM: That was hard work! He always suspected a trick, and when we had our first date, he positively scanned me. VV: Beg your pardon? MM: Alastor had rejected letters on the idea of them being hidden jinxes. He had not let me enter – I could have been an agent of Voldemort’s. So I had to make certain allowances. I had a person of Alastor’s trust take my biography to him. Then I presented myself for the scan. It included a physiological and a mental part. VV: You’re kidding me. MM: I’m not. He used his magical eye to scan me, you see, he can see through things with it. And then he scanned my mind with Legilimency. Oh, it was so exciting! VV: I can imagine it. Wait a minute – he can see through things? Through, erm, clothes? MM: That’s right. You always feel completely naked with him. It’s part of the exotic thrill of our relationship. |
VV: You must be a very tolerant person. I am sure Moody
scans every woman he meets. Aren’t you jealous? MM: Of course I am! Who wouldn’t love to love Alastor Moody and be loved in return? VV: What makes him so attractive to you? I mean, he does not appear to be a trusting, caring person. MM: He doesn’t trust the ground under his feet, and rightly so. But you must not say he does not care. He cares about an awful lot of things. VV: Including you? MM: Definitely, yes. He can be so sweet! For example, he gave me my own pocket Sneakoscope on our third date. VV: Oh, really? How… romantic, Melusine. MM: Alastor is indeed very romantic. For our anniversary next month he promised me a foe glass. (grows suddenly uneasy) My Sneakoscope is rotating. Are you up to mischief? VV: Me? Never! MM: Then there is someone dark around. I must go! (Leaves in a hurry. Violet can do nothing but conclude the interview.) |
broom's Best Bad Boy Board
| Did we say it got boring last time? Hell, no, not with the
search for a source of information about Ramon Vargas’ doings these days.
We found one, a frightened house-elf called… Ah, we won’t name names.
Let’s call her Secret House-Elf (SHE). Poor dear elf is already frightened
out of her wits and into her fifth bottle of butterbeer this afternoon,
therefore it was the perfect time to ask her about Vargas. Brian Cullen
kindly did the job. BC: It is really very kind to see me this afternoon. Have you got any more of those treacle tarts? Great, thanks a million. SHE: Sir must be – hick – very hungry. BC: Sure. But we’re here to talk about Ramon Vargas. Do you know him? SHE: Yes, I does knows him. He is a bad – hick – wizard, sir. You is not to meddle with the likes of he-hick. BC: Well, I promise I won’t. Why is he bad? SHE: He is bad because – hick – master says so. Master is |
very angry about Vargas-wizard. He says Vargas must be sent
to prison, says Master. Hick. BC: And can you exclusively reveal to us why Vargas has to be sent into prison? SHE: Master says he hasn’t – hick – killed any Muggle yet. Master says – hick – Vargas-wizard is no real… hick hick. BC: No real…? SHE: (shrieks in alarm) Bad SHE! Bad SHE! (bangs her head on the doorframe for five times, then falls asleep right on the spot) Apparently, the shock of having revealed that Ramon Vargas at least has not yet joined the ranks of the murderers knocked our informant out. We here at broom, however, are not in the least calmed down about Vargas’ being a Death Eater. He hasn’t killed yet, folks, but eventually he will. So still: Beware of Ramon Vargas! |
Fudge Revealed To Be Biased And Perhaps Bewitched
| (Ministry of Magic) Lately, Minister Cornelius O. Fudge
acted in a way to rouse doubts. Formerly known to rely heavily on the advise of reverend former Hogwarts-headmaster Albus P. W. B. Dumbledore (we have heard he didn’t even dare to choose his clothes without the headmaster’s approval – a bad choice considering Dumbledore’s eccentricity in clothes), he now shuns this wise man completely. Having contrived to denounce him as a liar and a deluded maniac, which lead to Dumbledore’s dismissal from several high-ranking posts, he now even removed Dumbledore from his post as headmaster to replace him with the completely incapable Dolores J. Umbridge. This latest of incomprehensible decisions |
made the editors think of two scenarios: One is that Fudge is
too afraid of what might come up. Two is that he isn’t allowed to make his
own decisions any more. Neither of the two is very reassuring. Faced with the reappearance of Voldemort – and yes, we believe Harry Potter! – the wizarding world needs a decisive leader who is not afraid of mere shadows. About the most idiotic reaction to any threat is burying your head under your pillows and refuse to see it. That way, the threat can move much faster and easier than before. So we might find ourselves dearly regretting the childishness of our incapable Minister. The second scenario is even more scary, come to think of it: If Fudge is simply true to his name and melts to the latest |
influence he heard, bad enough. But what if the
Minister-soon-to-be-sacked is being told what to do? Either bullied into
doing Voldemort’s wishes, or biased by the gold of know Death Eater L.
Malfoy (sue us, if you please, we will get you into Azkaban before you
win), or even put under the Imperius-curse – the effect would be he
same. Thinking people of the Wizarding World! Be reasonable and think about the facts! People have already died, proving with their lives that Voldemort is indeed back. Does it need mass killings to convince you? Stand up and throw Fudge out of office! Be strong and resist attempts to draw or bully you to the Dark Side! And keep to our reliable news! Join our campaign! RESISTANCE ROCKS! |
An Open Letter To The Half-Blood Prince
| (Book 6) To our dearest Lord and Master, the
ever-wise and all-knowing, most able potions brewer, role model for the
young and preserver of the old, most precious and prettiest, most handsome
and divine, most dissolved and dissolute, most destined, determined and
deliberated, best judge and renowned adviser, fastest forward and re-est
wind, most merciful and glorious, most honourable and ignoble, most centre
of our universe and casting a cloud over everything sun, most loved and
admired professor Snape, the identity of the previously announced and much speculated about half-blood |
prince has finally been revealed. And he will have to face the
consequences now. We here at broom can proudly state that our coverage of the topic known as the half-blood case has been quite favourable. As we reported in our May and June issue, we’re not facing with a pompous patriarch nor a monarch as we can do without both. And now we are even able to solve the secret of the two halves: He is half Prince and half Snape – no blood in either half then. In the July edition we provided our dear readers with three guesses who could be the half-blood prince. Under guess number seven you will have found professor Snape. |
Yes, we were adoring his Snapeship. Now, we could be wrong,
your Snapeship, but didn’t we ask you to send an owl?! Yes, we did, we
just checked in our archive. Where is your owl, your Snapeship? We here at broom are angry. You could have trusted in us. You could have told us. You could have given us an exclusive interview! Think of this when we will approach you for another article concerning vampires. Your humble hags, selective servants and faithful friends, Anne Symmons |
Letters to the Editors
| Our articles on the Axes of Evil and the return of Lord
Voldemort have triggered some response which we will not fail to present
to our readers. Please feel encouraged to add your own opinion and let it
be published in your favourite magazine.
Anonymous |
of Mysteries which should have led to an increased of power
for Voldemort. We suggest you keep count of murders committed by the Dark
Side. Here our (confirmed) numbers and names: 1. Bertha Jorkins 2. Frank Bryce 3. Bartemius Crouch sen. 4. Cedric Diggory 5. broderick Bode 6. Sirius Black 7. Amelia Susan Bones 8. Emmeline Vance Of these, only one was a confirmed victim of the Axes. Yours sincerely, Anonymous. |
We shall keep you informed and send our deepest compassion to the victims’ families. Bill Weasley
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