broom Breaking News
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(Hogwarts) A small slip of the treacherous tongue or
intriguing information? The best bad saucy source of gorgeous gossip, Violet
Vainglory, has taken time to verify the absolutely astonishing, almost hilarious
hint that behind the harsh hard outer appearance of potions-professor Snape is a
severed soul. Although all students and almost all colleagues will willingly agree that Severus Snape is, shall we say, not the nicest neighbour, neither a tremendously terrific teacher, scientifically Snape definitely is great. As to human relations, he is a near nil. The only exception so far seemed his avid attachment to the marvellous Moon Child. |
But brave Severus Snape hides his heart. The
frantic façade of calm confidence is a mere mask for the secret sorrow sleeping
softly in his soul. There is plenty possible evidence that the terrible trauma
reaches far back to a choked childhood. Having been in Slytherin House, Snape
belonged to a gruesome group of students seldom liked by fair fellows. During
this abandoned adolescence, Snape must have developed a strong sense of being an
opposing outcast. Of course, we know the pitiable professor is not easily seen as a soul in tremendous turmoil. But, students and teachers alike, try to think of the sadness in those fascinating fathomless eyes and refrain from snapping at Severus Snape. (VV) |
| (Azkaban) As the dumb Daily Prophet
cares to inform its revered readers, a mass breakout from Azkaban took place
just yesterday. Deranged Dementors obviously failed to correctly close the doors of supposed secure prison Azkaban. Ten terrible Death Eaters managed to make their way into fair freedom – no doubt to join their mad master, vicious Voldemort. |
However, the dumb Daily Prophet also managed to convey
fatally false information on the supposed source of the odd outbreak. Not
Sirius Black was behind this, but simply the feared forces of the Dark Lord.
It is to be feared that Dementors finally found their real master, and this is
not mad minister Fudge. We will keep you informed. Resistance rocks! |
| (Wizarding World) Violet Vainglory has been terribly
true to her formidable fame as our greatest gossip and usefully unearthed the
latest bit of news: absolutely awesome Australian lute players! Now, musical magic is so decisively different from real magic that we thought it naturally necessary to explain to our revered readers certain classes of illustrious instruments. Take a cello. A cello is charming. A trumpet is trendy. A horn is hot. A violin is velvet. A sax is, of course, sex. But a lute? Ladies and gentlemen, rest assured: a lute is love. |
Capturing the capital master-musician Simon Solar, wonderful Violet had the
chance of a tiny talk. “Lutes,” Simon said, “lure you. They have charismatic
chords and a very sensual sound.” Violet can only avidly agree about that –
plus, the Australians do look gorgeous. Sweet Simon’s honey-coloured hair and
his suntanned mighty muscles make an irresistible impression. However, as Violet tried in vain to savagely seduce Simon, we must promptly break our readers’ hearts: no go with lute players. (VV) |
| This year we here at broom yearn to yarn on a yacht or anything approximately as agreeable. Therefore we’re going grand touring tutoring each other as used to be the urge of many motivated men of the previous period.
Don’t woe or worry, worshipper of broom, the August edition is ensured (as you can read) and September’s is | secured. Of course, we will try to turn our trip into a travel diary.
You will happily hear about our hilarious holiday as we return to the toil and trouble of typing a monthly magazine. Be excited and happy holiday! |
No Doubts of Return
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BROOM is proud to say that we have obtained the rights for the second
official interview of Harry Potter after his encounter with Lord Voldemort on
the Little Hangleton graveyard. Mike Flatley had the honour of meeting Harry in
the Three broomsticks. MF: Harry, we appreciate you’re being here. How is life up at the castle? HP: Not very well since Umbridge has become Headmistress. MF: We never had the mischance to meet that woman. But we heard enough about her to feel very, very sorry for anyone having to live with her in command. Anyway, we have of course read the very interesting interview in the Quibbler. Harry, what have the reactions been like? HP: Mostly positive, I must say. Many people came up to me and told me that they believed me now, instead of listening to the Daily Prophet’s version of things. MF: I imagine it has not been easy being regarded as slightly mad. HP: No. Even people supposed to know me real good were suddenly , |
behaving oddly. MF: I will not ask you about the events in Little Hangleton again. I’d rather want to know what you intend to do now. HP: There is not much I can do, frankly. MF: We cannot be more explicit, but we did get word that you are working according to broom’s motto, Resistance rocks. Is that true? HP: I certainly try. (laughs) But I’ve got help, you know. MF: Of course you do. Do you know that the best help you can get are the Malignant Magpies? HP: Who? MF: Ah yes, they wouldn’t use that name to you students. The assistant teachers, excluding your Gryffindor House Counsellor, although he also gets better. HP: Oh, of course! They have been of great help already. MF: To us as well. Harry, now that we are all sure Voldemort has reappeared, what do you think will happen? HP: As long as he can stay under cover, he will – but pressure will grow |
I think, and most probably the Ministry will be infiltrated. MF: Will be? I confess that we at broom are pretty sure the Ministry is already infiltrated. But as we already had a lawsuit against us, plus this house raided, which got someone else in deep trouble, we will keep shut up about who is responsible in our opinion. HP: I can imagine who you mean. His son is now a member of the so-called Inquisitorial Squad. MF: The what? HP: Inquisitorial Squad. They are legalized bullies, if you ask me, and each of them comes from Slytherin House. MF: Legalized bullies? Honestly, parents who are reading this, if I were you I’d write to the board of School Governors – come to think of it, don’t and instead write to us. We shall coordinate matters for you. Harry, we are glad you had the time to talk to us. HP: No problem, Mike. Resistance rocks, doesn’t it? MF: Absolutely. Thanks for the talk, and see you soon. |
broom's Best Bad Boy Board
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Are you getting bored with bad Vargas? Never you mind, we’ve got something to
raise your tired spirits. We already had the luck to interview a family member
of Bad Ramon out of Hell. What would you say if we took the chance to interview
a close friend of his? You’ll laugh and say he has no friends, let alone close
ones. But you are wrong. Lucky for us, the man in question was more than willing
to answer questions posed by a fake magazine called Pure-Blood Society. It was
Violet Vainglory who managed to get a grip on Sebastian Cook. VV: Pleased to meet such a good looking pure blood that early in the day. Killed some Muggles so far? SC: Er… No. VV: Really? Fascinating. You are a pal of Ramon Vargas, aren’t you? SC: Er… Yes. VV: Have you seen him lately? We’ve heard Ramon is very close with some powerful Death Eaters. Can you confirm those rumours? SC: Sorry? VV: Is it true Ramon is chums with some Death Eaters? |
SC: Yeah, that’s true alright. He hangs around with them most of the
day. VV: Any names for our readers? SC: You give your readers names? Like, Sam, Don… VV: No! Some names of the Death Eaters! SC: Dunno. VV: Back to Ramon. Is he a true Death Eater? Does he believe in Voldemort’s success? SC: Of course he does. He explains everything to me and Banks – Roland Banks, of Oxford, see – and we think it very good ideas. Get rid of the Muggle-lovers and so on – and have a bit of fun. But the best is (laughs unpleasantly) we can get it back on our old school chums. Yeah, that’s the best thing. VV: Oh, well, Mr Cook, what an enlightening interview. Have a nice day. Violet returned unscathed, and, as we remark with relief, without having been recognised. Only lucky Vargas’ friends have been chosen according to their degree of idiocy. Vargas cannot bear another brain next to him. Maybe next time we find some more interesting source? |
I’m a Minister – Get Me Out Of Here
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(London) Lately rumours have been spread by serious and not so serious
newspapers that there have been difficulties in the relationship between
Cornelius O. Fudge and Albus P. W. B. Dumbledore. Speculations are running high:
Will the Minister resign? And how can we help him decide? Mike Flatley has some
suggestions. Minister Fudge showed some signs of weariness lately – plus a good bit of bitchiness we would never have thought possible. Of course, Fudge was never quite happy about the fact that Albus Dumbledore, despite not running for the Ministry, got more votes than he himself could ever dream of getting. However, that is no reason to behave like a complete idiot right now! |
Merlin’s beard, if you excuse that expression, as if anyone was keen on being
told that old story again! Minister Fudge, if you don’t want people to think
about your humiliation, then stop talking about it. There you are, sometimes
thinking before talking is the wisest way. What do I write – sometimes! Always,
Minister, always. But if you intend to go on playing I’m a Minister, get me out of here then you should do the following things: - insist that people who could save us all are deluded madmen - play down all the potential dangers lurking around us - follow only the way the gold leads (in the form of some rich big |
spenders) - let the high-security prison be guarded by creatures known to act on their own principles A nasty list of ideas, is it not? Only… Come to think of it… Why, Minister Fudge, it is exactly what you’ve been doing so far! That of course makes things wholly different. Fellow citizens of the Free Wizarding World, let us help our Minister. He clearly is desirous of quitting his job. The man must be helped. So, dear wizards and witches, let us call for his resignation. Let us help him get to his not-so-well-earned retirement. Let us elect a real, a worthy Minister for Magic! Resistance Rocks! (MF) |
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3 most famous school for
witchcraft and wizardry
5 rare Greek monster
7 the best sport
10 one of them is currently
doing divination at 3
11 continental wizarding
school
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1 deadly
2 the best monthly magazine
4 professor McGonagall’s
Christian name spelled
backwards
6 when you’re off age
8 the state ghosts are usually
in
9 taking part in Across 7
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Why We Here At broom Don’t Believe That Dumbledore Is Dead
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First of all sorry dear readers if this was a spoiler for you! You may know or not know that professor Snape, or as we feel free to call him now, the former professor Snape killed the headmaster of Hogwarts on page number 556 of the latest novel. However, broom can produce enough evidence to suggest that Dumbledore isn’t really dead.
We would like to start with a piece of information across which the one or the other reader may already have stumbled her- or himself since it has been mentioned in the sixth book. Dumbledore has a horcrux! We will not explain what it is since you either will have read it for yourself or are about to read it for yourself and we here at broom have already spoiled enough of the book. |
Only so much: To get a horcrux you must kill somebody. Kill somebody, but Dumbledore would never do such a thing, you might argue. Sorry to disappoint you here. Dumbledore has killed somebody, namely Grindelwald. Therefore it may well be that seizing this chance he created a horcrux.
The second possibility is that as Voldemort moved into professor Quirrel’s body Dumbledore moved into professor Snape’s. At this point we here at broom would like to mention how very glad we are that former professor Snape is not bald. It is likely that he will send messages out of this body. If you wonder why he chose Snape that is because he is the only one who can block his mind to Voldemort’s sight. How very thoughtful of him. |
Another thought of ours is that professor Dumbledore used another way of getting invisible while he offered a copy of his body to be destroyed, buried and moaned. He mentioned this possibility to Harry one day and as you know the slightest bit of information as innocent as it may look will be important to unriddle this puzzle.
You might want to be careful, dear reader, where you tread. And keep your eyes open just in case there is any sign of an invisible headmaster. You see it seems quite possible that professor Dumbledore lives and former professor Snape is not a murderer and will soon return to teaching at Hogwarts, sorry Ron! As always, we here at broom will inform you if anything new can be invented. |