broom Breaking News
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(Hogsmeade) Mean Ministry minions shut down our waycool website after a minor
mistake committed by one of the elated editors. In addition, broom’s ban of its
homely headquarters has caused outrageous outcries throughout the wizarding
world. After attacking the Daily Prophet and Mr L. M., both wrote to the morons at the Ministry for legal action to be taken. After the official ban from the Ministry (we reported on the infamous incident), broom had to duck to avoid attacks. Now, however, it is official. |
Even our Muggle gateway on the inscrutable internet has been duly detected and promptly banned. We changed therefore our precious premises:
You can still send long loving letters to Hogsmeade, but instead of reaching us
in a homely house, we’re in the shabbiest shack imaginable now. We gratefully give our regards to the highly-revered hosts who proudly provide a prominent place for publishing broom – Muggles, get informed immediately at our new home! Resistance rocks! |
| (Wizarding World) As we were just intimately informed, six
supreme singers definitely decided to wonderfully work together. Avram Applecheek, Ben Bittersweet, Chuck Charming, Dean Dreamyeyes, Elton
Eligible and Francis Firefeet, all of them hardly-known half-celebrities,
allegedly agreed to throw their non-existent names together to (maybe) find
fame. The six singers apparently appeared appalled as they were cruelly characterised as no-talent no-names. “This will change at once,” determinedly decided music manager Martin Moremoney. “From now on the beautiful boys will be known | under a new name.” The new name has been revealed as late as yesterday, but broom’s racing reporters rallied for the revelation. Therefore we are partially proud to announce that the boy-band will be called “Harmonious Hags”. Manager Moremoney and his hags appeared for the cool conference sporting silly brown balaclavas. “This will be our signature – and that of our fans,” beamed Ben Bittersweet. Should you meet merry men and women with brown balaclavas, don’t avidly assume they are real hags – maybe they’re just crazed chums in favour of the fab hags. (ALL) |
| (Hogsmeade) The Wizarding World’s mega-magazine, your very own
Boisterous Ridiculous Omniscient Obscure Magazine (a.k.a. broom) turns a year
old these days! Out of its toddler days it has suitably stumbled into serenity
and wisdom. The very voice of omnipotent opposition, broom has evidently
established itself on the media market even in the Muggle World. Although already suffering and sweating from several lawsuits, broom is still alive and thriving, and its memorable motto |
finally flashes from
female and male T-shirts, backs and bags. To make this fashionable feature
easier available for you, you may purposefully print out our logo-label and
put it everywhere. Show your avid allegiance and loving loyalty in another way
than sporting a dumb Dark Mark! (see article below) Last but not least, we want to thank all of you. Keep up your hopes and your strength, and never forget: RESISTANCE ROCKS! |
“…if you know how to meet with him he will become almost harmless.”
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(The Wizarding World) Boggarts and in fact Dementors turn out to be a
quite common nuisance just like garden gnomes. We here at broom are far ahead
of our colleagues at the Daily Prophet and therefore we like to introduce
Remus Lupin to you. broom: Mr. Lupin, we here at broom are very happy to have you here today and would like to use this opportunity to ask a couple of questions. You have taught Defence Against the Dark Arts, why do you think this subject is so important? R.L.: The students must learn three things. First, what is not dangerous. Second, what is dangerous. Third, how do you fight what is dangerous. broom: So you say that the main point is to teach practical knowledge rather than theory? R.L.: I wouldn’t put it like this. The students should be taught anything they can apply in every day life – well, if they |
meet something dark or dangerous. broom: But a Boggart is not really dangerous. R.L.: Of course, a Boggart is dangerous, never forget that you will face in him your worst fear and that is dangerous. However, if you know how to meet with him he will become almost harmless. broom: You mentioned it ‘fear’, does ‘fear’ play an important role in Defence Against the Dark Arts? R.L.: Yes, it does. Fear is the factor that competes with courage. If fear wins you will lose. You must learn to fight your fear and in the best case win. Unfortunately, once you have fought a fear and won it doesn’t mean you will be cured for ever. All of your life you will have to fight your fears. Fortunately, that means that if you lost once it doesn’t necessarily mean you will be lost for ever. broom: What is the connection between fear and the Dementors? R.L.: The Dementors take away all of our happiness and leaves us with fear and | despair, which might turn out to be a fatale mixture. We need happiness to
fight fear and we need happiness to fight the Dementors. broom: Mr. Lupin, you are one of the leading experts on the topic of Boggarts, Dementors and fear but what about garden gnomes? R.L.: I’m afraid I don’t even know half as much about garden gnomes as I know about Boggarts. Thinking about it, fear and garden gnomes should be treated in the same way…throw them as far away from you as possible and make sure that they don’t return. broom: Is there one last maxim you want to share with all witches and wizards? R.L.: Don’t think you will be a burden to your friend if you share your fear with her or him. It will only be a burden to your friend if you don’t. And this is true not only for all witches and wizards but also for all muggles. (BC/ MF) |
broom's Best Bad Boy Board
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What makes a bad boy a bad boy, you
might ask. Well, hard to say, but there are certain secure signs that can tell
you if you deal with a mean buddy or with a really dangerous, vicious guy.
We already told you that Vargas was into necromancy, and if you ask us (and our wisdom is infinite) that is a really, really dangerous thing to do. However, there is another certain sign that your adversary is really bad: He’s a Slytherin, and he’s a buddy of Professor Severus Snape. You don’t believe us? Then, revered readers, why don’t you think back to your school days at Hogwarts (that is, if you spent your schooldays at that invaluable institution). Who did you loath the most? Right, if you were in Slytherin, you will have loathed the Gryffindor students most. But if you were in other houses? Case proved. |
And from what we hear from our sports reporters, the
Messieurs Weasley, nothing changed since the good old days. Still Slytherin
House and its Head Teacher are the horror of all the school except of
themselves. And the worst bullies are dearest to Snape’s heart. Well, maybe
these days not really dearest… Someone is competing, guys! Back to the Bad Boy we’re talking about: He was a Slytherin, no doubt of that, and he was a darling of Snape’s, even worse than young D.M. these days, according to our information. Ramon Vargas wrote love letters! Yeah, love letters! And not to girls, no, but to his head of house!!! Do you agree that this is a sure sign for a deranged mind? See? He is not only a bad boy, dark to his very heart, but also a deluded madman. Beware of Ramon Vargas! |
The Pope Is Dead – Long Live The Pope!
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(Rome) This world has seen a new Pope and last month we here at
broom were able to report on the proceedings inside the conclave. This month
will provide you with yet another article on the ‘pontifex maximus’. Courage and strength were the words used to congratulate the newly elect celebrity. And courage and strength is of course what we here at broom wish the new representative of God here on earth – but why? Why don’t people wish him good thoughts or power? Courage is wasted if there aren’t good thoughts |
behind it and what can you do with strength without power?
There is a long list me, Dedust Undulles, standing in for all the pro-new-pope-people here at broom would like to wish, e.g. the ability to listen, creativity, energy, fun, good ideas, love, openness, peace, tolerance, the willingness to make sacrifices, wisdom, etc. Then again, this might not be moderate enough for a man of the church and he has to do with only two. Pope Benedict XVI described himself as a father to all. This has deeply impressed us here at broom for to be a father |
means to love all your children equally. And this is something we would
like to wish ourselves in the context of the arrival of a new pope. There is
something we want to add to this: broom loves you, too. Whatever your opinion of the new pope may be we would like to include you in our wishes mentioned above – and if you happen to be pope Benedict XVI, please include our dear readers and us in your prayers, bad times are ahead and we daresay we shall need it! Wishing you only the best if you’re the pope or not! (DU) |
In Search of the Half-Blood Prince
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(The World) We here at broom and the world out there have been very busy
trying to find out who the half-blood prince could be (we reported).
Unfortunately this search is not yet at an end and so this time we’d like to
pose the question, what the other half of the prince consists of. In our eyes it will be much easier to decide who it is if we know the material of the second half of the half-blood prince. He’s half-blood and half-what? Half-blood, half-man? No, impossible, there has never been anyone who consisted to more than a third of man. Half-blood, half-water? Well, this would at least be an interesting mixture for we all know that blood is thicker than water so the upper half would be water and the lower half blood. Think of the interesting patterns you will see if he lies down or is even shaken. Half-blood, half-bone? Now this would be a complete mess and look like one of the art (?) works of a certain Nitsch. | However, if this was to be the
case then the next question arises: Who is to clean the mess? We here at broom
think that the whole responsibility lies with the Ministry of Magic – or our
colleagues at the Daily Prophet. Half-blood, half-plastic bag? Well, there is a fifty percent chance that the blood will be inside the plastic bag. Therefore the mess would be much easier to clean. Don’t even try to imagine the other possibility – a very nasty thought indeed. Half-blood, half-paraglider? That thought looks a lot like meals on wheels, sorry parachutes for vampires. A unit of blood floating gently through mid-air and then landing in front of your feet. The vampire’s land of blood and honey. Tuck in! Half-blood, half-mad? Yes, a very good thought or why else wouldn’t he have told us five books earlier that he was a prince??? Then again, we only know that madness in kings is very common, but what about princes? |
We only know a
particular frog who pretends to be a prince, certainly this is rather a mad frog
than a mad prince. Half-blood, half-frog? This has led us to an interesting thought, hasn’t it. Maybe it is not frog but toad?! Indeed, it could be half-blood, half-animal-of-any-sort! And there were so many animals in the stories so far…choose your favourite one, ours is blast-ended skrewt. That will certainly look interesting! Half-blood, half-empty? Well, you never know, but maybe he would like to be called half-full? A very confusing thought indeed. At least there will be some room for more of him. The question is: do we really want that? Now, we here at broom don’t want to sound French revolutionary but we lived through five books without a half-blood, half-whatever prince and we certainly could do so for another five. Your humble servants your half-blood, half-majesty. (half-Brian&half-Mike) |
Resistance Rocks –
Come and Rock with It!
(Hogsmeade) We here at broom would like to use the opportunity
of our one year anniversary of broom and our six months anniversary of
“Resistance Rocks” to provide you with a broom badge. This will, of course,
not be any ordinary badge, but a ‘resistance rocks’ badge.
Have you ever watched something unjust and couldn’t do anything about it.
Well, we here at broom have the solution for you: broom’s Resistance Rocks
badge! Just download the picture below, give it the right size (then again,
size doesn’t matter), print it out and cut it out. But be careful to not
destroy the beautiful barrel-shape of it!
If you have done so you must decide what to do. Either you just put a sticking charm on it and attach it to
anything you like or, especially if you happen to be a muggle, you use
muggle sticky thingy to attach the badge to a bit of cardboard box and add a
safety pin on the back (or if you want to be a secret supporter on the
front). By doing so you can attach it to anything you like.
Or you may want to have something to attach to your key ring. Then you must
purchase the according muggle facility and add it to the badge. This would
be quite a neat way to put the picture on both sides (that doesn’t mean that
you cannot put it on both sides of the safety pin badge only that wouldn’t
make much sense, or would it?). Then again you might want to put something else
on the backside of it (please note that
we here at broom cannot appreciate it if you put our picture on the backside
and something else on the frontside!).
Or, in fact, you can do anything you please with it and if you come up with
a brilliant idea why not let us here at broom know so that we can tell our
other readers? Whatever you do we are looking forward to hearing from you.
Wear your inner feelings outside and let everybody know that you have an
opinion. Well, if you don’t you can always wear the badge and pretend that
you do.
However, whatever you do never use the badge as an excuse for not
doing anything!
A Royal After-Party
| As you read last month in broom our
reporters Brian Cullen and Mike Flatley joined the Prince of Wales and his
fiancée Ms. Camilla Parker-Bowles in their wedding ceremony. There they met
Miss Symmons who guided them through the proceedings. This month we will
accompany the jolly party to the after-party. BC: Loads of posh people round here! AS: Brian, keep quiet. BC: Food! AS: Brian! MF: He’s gone for good. AS: He’s gone for food. MF: Alright then, where’s the fun, where’s the music and where are the girls? AS: You’re at a wedding party, Mike. MF: I know, but I didn’t know that the boring life which starts after a wedding includes the guests of the wedding party. AS: I’m just glad HRH and HRW (His Royal Wife, A.S.) didn’t want any presents. I don’t even dare to think what you would have given to them! MF: They don’t want any presents?! And what do I do with the hundred systematic sexologists? AS: Who you carry around in your | pocket… MF: Yes, it’s a new sort of m.u.g.g.l.e. device. They discuss, correct and extend the Kamasutra. AS: Well, they sure discuss things you don’t need a partner for… MF: You don’t think that either Brian or Mike are in need besides we do own two copies. AS: Then you can give the spare one to professor Snape on his next birthday. MF: Glad that I don’t know when that will take place. AS: I think we should get Brian before he eats the table. BC: A pity you’ve never heard of our magazine, Sir. Stephen: A pity for you, certainly, however, as for my own person I shall only find out when I read it. BC: True. We’re obviously not as good writers as you but I bet we have as much as if not more fun writing than you. Stephen: And that is the main point of the whole affair, isn’t it? By the way, how do you put down your stories? BC: Dictating quill, those by pear, the others are not nearly as accurate. Stephen: And who is organizing your homepage? |
BC: Two slaves. They’re good workers generally, however, one messed it
all up once and we had to move. Stephen: Well, that can always happen. You must excuse me now. I’m in need of another cigarette. BC: It has been a pleasure. MF: We thought you had eaten the table by now… AS: …and then we find you talking to Stephen Fry! BC: Yes, he even signed me a photograph. I will place that in broom headquarters. MF: As an inspiration… BC: …and guardian. AS: And to make a story out of your meeting whenever you get the chance. BC&MF: Yes. MF: If you’d excuse us now, we must gather some information… BC: …and listen for the latest gossip. And here we leave our reporters in the hope that they will return with loads of material. Our thanks go to the royal couple, Miss Symmons and Mr. Fry for their invaluable contributions. Last but not least, we would like to thank you for reading this! (ALL) |
Happy Anniversary!
| Dear readers, Our baby has turned a year old this month, and we are so proud of it! Not only has it learned to stand on its own two legs quite firmly, but it has also developed a rather strong voice. You know what we mean, but we also know that this is not our doing alone. You are to be thanked a thousand times for your laughter and your will to buy this magazine. Even more to be thanked is your readiness to believe what we tell you – if we mark it with the motto that has become the cry of thousands of wizards and witches around England. We are happy about this development, of course. However, we as the voice of the resistance, ENJOY our job. And that is in our eyes the best thing about broom. It is fun compiling each month’s edition. It is fun imagining the faces of you, our readers. And of course writing the articles and asking for them to be written is the greatest fun of all. We know you are all keen to get to know the authors of our various articles, and so here’s a |
little treat for all of
you – our version of a piece of the
birthday cake. The BBNs are written by various people, but whenever you
find Violet Vainglory’s BBNs, they will have been written by Mike
Flatley himself. Anne Symmons is responsible for the hilarious Lost Sandals.
Patience Wood writes The Moon Over Wogharts. Hengist Alret, our
invaluable Muggle expert, is of course Dustin Dulles. You already know who
writes the sports articles, Hit By A Bludger: Fred and George Weasley.
We all collaborate in writing Horrorscopes – and it’s easy doing that,
for we all had the pleasure of doing Divination with Professor Trelawney (except of Anne). As
to our featured columns about cooking and gardening, they are in Hengist’s
respectively Anne’s responsibilities. So you see, the staff of broom is small
but rather effective, don’t you agree? We hope that you will enjoy our second year with you as much as the first one. Never forget: RESISTANCE ROCKS! Yours in fellowship, Brian Cullen & Mike Flatley |