broom Breaking News
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(Farringdon) Nasty New Year’s Eve surprises
seldom come as awful as this one: A fine factory was brutally blown up by
flashy fireworks in the classy celebrations superbly sponsored by the
majestic mayor of fascinating Farringdon. |
heeding safety instructions. Ironically, the astounded arsonists are seriously studying pyrotechnics. This did not apparently assist them in knowing how to un-dangerously use flashy fireworks. Now the severely shocked students will probably pay their whole lives for the dangerous damage they did. (MF) |
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The economic crisis of the European Community has clearly come to a close with the end of the past era, called 2012. The lonely line is no longer really red but going up at the stock exchanges Europe-wide. Even banks begin to make profits again. And people buy all sorts of appliances, tools and devices. Making money and spending instead of saving is the new motto |
in the new year. The British mint was right with their
quote on their new £ 2 coin: Something will come up. 2013 keeps all the
promises 2012 has given. Join the joy, forget your fears and live not as if
it was the last but as if it was the first day of the world.
(MF) |
newbroom-e-gram
| Instead of giving you a day-by-day account of the events of
December 2012, we decided to tick off the old year and give you an insight
into the events of the new year as we imagine it. Here goes: January Another minister will be thrown out of office thanks to our relentless campaign of ridding the world of stupid politicians. It is going to be a certain Scotsman parading as a German. Weird guy, and definitely should be out of office. February Massive snowfalls will hamper everyone’s lives. Trains will not run, because, as usual, the railway companies forgot there was a phenomenon called “winter”. These guys will never learn. March Here we go, spring is coming with a vengeance and once again the authorities were at a loss that snow actually melts in the sun… Plus, we establish a new line of broompire by buying Witch Weekly and setting up a new style at that old dinosaur of a magazine. April No doubt April Fool’s Day cannot last a whole month, can it? Unfortunately it seems like it does. Who thought up all those stupid ideas in politics, be it magical or Muggle? May Warm and sunny, what a shame that nobody has any longer holidays. But that’s the way it always is. So cheer up and enjoy the sun while you can. June Yes, we do want to be the best and most influential magazine ever, and by enlarging broompire even more, we manage it. Did we say we bid at an auction to buy the Daily Prophet? No? Well we did. And won. July Midsummer, and it feels like we have achieved a lot |
already. The other media are completely under our control,
but since we are all for transparency and proper journalism, we still offer
print and wireless for every mind. Aren’t we geniuses? August Undoubtedly it is nice to have a bit of extra cash – but to get it for not using facilities? The Germans are weird… But then, maybe they hit onto a great thing after all. We never use the Muggle bus system. Can we please get paid for that? September Another revolution-by-election is to come to pass – no, two, to be honest. One will be the fall of the almost iron-clad rule of the CSU in Bavaria, and in its wake the shell-shocked conservatives also lose power in the whole of Germany. Conservatism has lost its appeal because of the cold market-mindedness displayed. October Europe stands together to solve the social problems caused by heedless adherence to the demands of the banks (aka markets). Spanish youths are guaranteed employment if they are willing to go abroad. Migration in Europe is made easier. November The USA celebrate Thanksgiving, we do something similar. We celebrate that we are the most successful media empire in Great Britain. The side effect is that we finally have to give up our Hogsmeade quarters and move headquarters to Diagon Alley. Sad, but necessary. December Somehow the year passed without any major catastrophes (okay, that depends on your personal political standpoint) and we can prepare for a new year of newbroom. Hope you’ll be with us in 2014, too! All the best, the team in Hogsmeade. |
The Muggle Camp: I’m not a Muggle -
Get me out of here!
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(Bury St Dorothy) In the
sleepy village of Bury St Dorothy a unique group of Witches and Wizards has
gathered along with some 12 candidates stemming from the public life of the
Magical world. Bury St Dorothy will be the sight of broompire’s new show:
I’m not a Muggle – Get me out of here! |
example, if one of the tasks should be too challenging
for them or the show as a whole.” “Yes, Harriet, that was also very important. Another thing we should mention is that I’m not a Muggle – Get me out of here! will run until the end of this year and December will see the coronation of the Muggle King or Queen of I’m not a Muggle – Get me out of here!” “Well, it seems as if I’m not a Muggle – Get me out of here! will turn this year into a fantastic one!” “Talking about fantastic who are the candidates for I’m not a Muggle – Get me out of here!?” “Well, Leslie, we have 12 fine witches and wizards here: Let’s start with the ladies: Dolores Umbridge, who has done everything in her life except going to a Muggle camp, Rita Skeeter, who returned to her human shape for I’m not a Muggle – Get me out of here!, Gwenog Jones, who is one of the most famous female Quidditch players of the world, Miranda Goshawk, who is the author of the Standard Book of Spells, and Madam Malkin, who is the owner of her own shop.” Harriet, let’s turn to the gentlemen, Cornelius Fudge, who is the former Minister of Magic, Lucius Malfoy, who – well you know it, Gilderoy Lockhart, who simply is everything, Stubby Boardman, who is the singer of the Weird Sisters, Ludo Bagman, who was the head of the Games and Sports Department, and Arthur Weasley, who takes part because he loves anything Muggle.” “Make sure not to miss the next edition of I’m not a Muggle – Get me out of here! when our candidates will have to face the first task, Leslie, are you paid extra for saying the title of the show, I’m not a Muggle – Get me out of here!?” “Yes, Harriet, every time I say I’m not a Muggle – Get me out of here!, the title of the show, I get…” |
“Life is Swell!”
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(Bury St Dorothy)
broompire opens the new year by offering a brand-new show to its viewers.
I’m not a Muggle – Get me out of here!, the Muggle Camp – a fictitious
excursion to the Muggle world and we are proud to have its two hosts here
with us today. |
nB: Now that you are very famous, your life must
have changed dramatically in the course of the last year.
HKS: Actually no. People still ask for recipes rather than for tips how to become a Minister. LPG: And I have to tell them how to decorate for the season or what has to be done in the garden. nB: So your fame is still due to your time at newbroom. That actually makes us quite proud. The question is where do you want to go from here? HKS: Well, the sky is the limit. No, as a matter of fact, we are quite satisfied the way it is at the moment. LPG: Yes. Life is swell. We are surrounded by wonderful colleagues and nothing could stop us now. |
nB: This sounds as if one day you will take over
broompire. LPG: No, definitely not. HKS: We’re mad, but not that mad! nB: Let’s take a look at something completely different. What can viewers expect from broompire’s new show? LPG: I’m not a Muggle – Get me out of here! HKS: The tasks the candidates are facing are very hard. LPG: Anyone Magical who has ever tried to live a normal Muggle life will tell you how impossible it is. HKS: We will surely laugh a lot. NB: Thanks a million for taking the time to talk to us about the world, life and I’m not a Muggle – Get me out of here! (MF) |
Horrorscope 2013
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Aquarius (21.01.-19.02.):
Your planet is Uranus – you poor guy! Your element is air, which might be
good or bad depending on the circumstances. Since you are very nosy, you
will encounter numerous troublesome events this year. If you were able to
keep your nose out of other people’s business, you might get off better, but
do you ever heed this horrorscope? |
Leo (23.07.-23.08.): Your planet is the Sun
– hot and fiery, just like your element. In any case, you will shine like
the sun in the coming year with all the things you can reach by just
winking. It is like magic, and your wish for action will be satisfied beyond
your wildest dreams. Virgo (24.08.-23.09.): Your planet is Mercury, and that shows. Lucky your element is earth because you need something to help keeping your feet on the ground. Thinking realistically is usually your forte, so maybe you will manage to have a good year. If you stay just as you are (pedantic and self-centred), you won’t, though. Libra (24.09.-23.10.): Your planet is Venus, oh la la! And your lucky stone is the diamond, so if you are female and adventurous (which you are in any case, whether male or female, because air is your element), go grab a man and get that diamond on your finger. And afterwards divorce him real quick and get a fat lot of money. That’s going to be your year, Libra girls! Scorpio (24.10.-22.11.): Your planet is Mars, and it will be bright this year. In combination with your watery element, Mars makes you more jealous than ever and gives you more pain than ever. If there has ever been a year which you might just wish to skip, it’s the coming one. Sorry to say so, but we had much rather you stayed in your own home and nursed your wounds. Sagittarius (23.11-21.12): Your planet is Jupiter, lord of gods. Let that please not mislead you into believing you are anything but a lowly slave should you apply for a job at broompire. Your element is fire, which comes in handy when dealing with dragons. Who knows which funny fire breathing demon awaits you? We can see some shadowy figure in our crystal ball there… Capricorn (22.12.-20.01.): Your planet is Saturn (and that’s not the electronic sellers, you morons), and your element earth. Fine by us. If you were not that tight-fisted, we might even like you, but since you are unlikely to fund broompire, please do not bother us. Thank you. |
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This is the beginning, Severus!